Well, it's the final day of 2024. What a year it's been. Congratulations on all of us for surviving, and lets all commit to trying to survive 2025.
Tuesday, December 31, 2024
Monday, December 30, 2024
2024
Upon this year,
Will we remember the moment that we won?
Will we remember the moment
That we finally decided
That we had enough of pretending
That everything was alright?
Will we remember deciding
That come what may
We wanted to know
Just how bad things actually were?
Will we remember the moment
We realized
That though we were on different sides
We wanted the same things?
Our leaders aren't evil,
Just selfish and incompetent,
Thought the results are the same.
I can't remember the moments
That made up this year,
But I can remember the feeling
That came
When I realized
That I was not alone in my rage.
I fear what's to come.
I don't know how bad it could get.
But for now I take comfort in knowing
That I don't walk this path alone.
Sunday, December 29, 2024
Saturday, December 28, 2024
Friday, December 27, 2024
Thursday, December 26, 2024
Wednesday, December 25, 2024
Tuesday, December 24, 2024
Monday, December 23, 2024
Endless Acquisition
Why, you come up with new things to want,
Things you didn't even think of
Just a few days ago.
Things that won't make you happy,
They just make you feel
Like you have something to live for.
Nobody wants to be perfect,
Yet all of us strive
For perfection.
So what happens when we reach
The apex of our lives?
We live in a world
Where that will never happen.
Because our world was built by people
Who were already born rich
And can't imagine the lives
Those around them live.
Our world was built by those
Doomed to decline
Unless they stole everything.
In an attempt to avoid this,
They built a house filled with everything
Except hope.
So now that you find yourself at the top,
You can't help but stare
At the world around you,
A world you know will never be yours,
And you can't help but wonder,
Why do I need all of this stuff?
Sunday, December 22, 2024
Saturday, December 21, 2024
Friday, December 20, 2024
Thursday, December 19, 2024
Wednesday, December 18, 2024
Tuesday, December 17, 2024
Monday, December 16, 2024
Gods Among Men
They stood so that the men of the world could see and worship them.
They stood so the world
Would know who they were
And what they represented.
They stood so that they would be seen by all
And worshipped by none.
They spoke so that they would be heard
By the human race.
They spoke so that their story would be passed down
To the future,
A world they would not live to see.
They spoke to a world
Full of people like them,
A world they thought they understood.
They prayed to those above them
So that knowledge might flow into them
Like a river to the ocean.
They prayed that the world would shape itself
Around them and their needs.
They prayed so that the fabric of spacetime
Would unravel itself,
And humanity would crown them kings.
The world circled endlessly,
Always coming back
To them and their demands.
The world did not see them,
But the human race did.
These Gods among men
Wanted one thing only;
To be human.
A thing they already had.
Yet we kept giving it to them.
Until the day came that we forgot
That we would never be Gods ourselves.
Sunday, December 15, 2024
If anyone reads this, would you mind answering a question for me. What do you think the person who has anything anyone could possibly want looks like? Are they a billionaire? A president? A pope? A janitor with five kids? Do they have everything? Do they have almost nothing and make do with what they have? What is it about them that you think we should all emulate? Write down what you think, even if you've seen it answered elsewhere. I suspect that person might be nearer to us than you might think.
Saturday, December 14, 2024
Sometimes I feel like people like Elon Musk validate the existence of Billionaires. They make it easy to go, "Well, I'd do the same if I was in charge, but I'm not in charge. It's just bad luck that they got to be in charge instead of someone who deserves it." Let's be honest, we all remember the early 2010s, when billionaires got much better press than they do now. We all remember stories about Bill Gates or Warren Buffet giving loads of money to charity, or Oprah doing big giveaways on her show. We all think that if Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos gave away their money and treated their employees like people, they'd deserve their wealth. But would they? Does anyone deserve to have the power to essentially warp reality? I want the power to undo reality and shape it to my own will. Maybe that's something to keep in mind the next time you want to give someone unlimited power over your own existence.
Friday, December 13, 2024
Have any of the people reading this ever thought about how sometimes a disability can strip you of your right to jealousy? So many times I've struggled to just be normal, that the thought of being exceptional is beyond me. Be grateful for what you have, I've been told. Yet not a single autistic person in the media remains undefined by their disability. Maybe someday we'll have an autistic character for whom their disability is only a part of who they are, and not the whole person. I, for one, have to note that I'm both Autistic and a Dreamer. Both are important, but it's possible for one to exist without the other.
Wednesday, December 11, 2024
On Doing the Right Thing
I want to believe that I have it in me to be a good person. Everyone does, and most of us are right. At least, when it comes to the ways in which our societies define good versus evil. What I'm not okay with is the way in which our society tries to force us to do the "right thing".
I'm one of those people who hurts others without thinking. A lot. It comes with having a brain that works poorly. I try and isolate myself as much as possible, both because I really hate people and because I know that prolonged contact with people means that someone is going to be hurt. The world does not like this. It doesn't want me to do the right thing and keep myself away from those who are more easily hurt. It keeps insisting that being human means that I learn to be with other people even if it means I have to pretend that I can't possibly hurt them. Psychology, career training, sensitivity therapies, all of these amount to little more than the world telling me that I have no choice but to be someone I adamantly dislike; someone who pretends they aren't causing people pain by their clearly selfish actions. Sure, I could become better, if I was to give up ninety percent of my personality. Am I supposed to brainwash myself into becoming a pro-social person? I know that I'm a terrible person, I have the ability to avoid hurting people, and yet the world has gone out of its way to make that as hard as it possibly can.
I hate this aspect about society so much that when people comment on Elon Musk's anti-social behavior, I find myself reflexively pointing out that we live in a world where he can't easily avoid other people. I'm not one of those people who believes that we are in control of our reactions, not when I know one too many impulsive people who reflexively do without thinking. I also think that in a world built on socializing, we have to take responsibility for the horrible things that happen as a result. Which is to say, most of the terrible things that happen in our world. Hermits don't tend to hurt anyone, just saying.
I know our world is one where socializing isn't optional, but I firmly believe that it should be. I don't think there should ever be a situation where someone is forced to interact with people if they don't want to, even if it's "for their own good". It's frankly disturbing that we're so wedded to the idea of forced interaction that most jobs still demand that you go into the office for at least a few days a week. Hell, I think it's appalling that we expect everyone to want to work in this day and age. We all know that we live in a world where that isn't necessary anymore, right? One can be alone and still depend on others. I think that we would do well to remember that.
Tuesday, December 10, 2024
I think that for my news years resolution (really, my next goal in life, starting whenever) I'm going to try and do some good for the world every single day. I feel like I might not be a great person, and I want to at least prove that I can be good if I want to be. I think that's all that anyone can really ask; the ability to be good when they want to be. And I want to be a good person, with or without the reputation of one.
Monday, December 9, 2024
A Chocolate Bar
They live so far away
And they don't even speak English.
Who cares if they suffer
From the loss of the forest?
All I care about
Is the awful day at work I had.
I know this chocolate bar
Is full of evil,
But it's the only thing
That I have to look forward to.
My entire life is full
Of a million crimes
Unpunished by any law.
I know that I'm wrong
And I know that I'll suffer
When I'm sent to the afterlife,
But I have fifty years left
Before I have to worry about that.
What I try not to think about
Are the people around me
Doing the same things.
A coffee at Starbucks,
A food order from DoorDash,
An article in a newspaper feigning shock
Over the assassination of United Health Care's CEO.
All of us trying
To get through a day
Pretending that nothing's wrong.
All of us trying
To forget the damage we've done
And what will come to us
Because of it.
But I'm not a CEO
Or a journalist at a large newspaper.
I'm not someone who runs the world.
I'm just a person
Trying to get through their day.
Doesn't that mean that I should be spared?
Sunday, December 8, 2024
Saturday, December 7, 2024
I think that we're on the cusp of a world where the only solution to our problems is with violence. No one wants that, but everyone knows that it's coming. Everyone knows that the assassination on Wednesday was the beginning of something enormous. The Fascists are about to discover what the elders meant by saying, "Be careful what you wish for." And all of us will have to pay the price.
Friday, December 6, 2024
The day before yesterday, a CEO was shot. As to be expected, everyone sided with the gunman, because there's no CEO in the United States who doesn't have blood on their hands. Like everyone else, I think the CEO had it coming, especially because his company was a private insurer, but I'm worried about where this will lead. I'm worried about a future where the only moral thing to do is to disobey the law. In some ways, I think that we're already there.
Thursday, December 5, 2024
Wednesday, December 4, 2024
I've been thinking a lot about how someday I'll just be forgotten. Not intentionally or maliciously, but in the way a storefront vanishes from a busy town. Even if I somehow become famous, that will happen, and I'm not sure how to cope with that. I've learned how to deal with not being famous, but the fact that someday everything about me will just vanish is somehow news to me. I know that the world moves on, but I still feel sad about how much will inevitably be lost.
Tuesday, December 3, 2024
I wish I could believe that my world would stay real forever. I don't care if it's here when I die, but I want to believe that it will be. I want to believe that the things I care about are not only important, but could only be used for good. I want to believe there is such a thing as a world that will outlast the Infinite. Alas, all I have is a delusion, and I'm not very good at maintaining it. I wish I knew how to believe that our world was endless. Barring that, I wish I could learn to accept its demise.
Monday, December 2, 2024
A Perfect You
And imagine that you
Are the most beautiful,
Intelligent,
And Charismatic person
You know.
Picture a person
Sunday, December 1, 2024
Saturday, November 30, 2024
Friday, November 29, 2024
Thursday, November 28, 2024
What I'm (not) Thankful For
Thanksgiving. The time when we give thanks for what we have. We'll I'm not doing that. I just lived through a month where we re-elected Donald Trump and I lost power for a week. I don't even like Thanksgiving food all that much. So here's a list of what I'm not thankful for.
I'm not thankful for a world in which most of our utilities aren't publicly owned. Seattle got power back three days before we did, and I'm one hundred percent sure that's because the people in charge knew that the public would have their asses if they didn't. We can't do anything about PSE, so we just have to be grateful that our turkey didn't go bad.
I'm not thankful for the coupons I keep getting, most of which are for things I don't like, but my brain goes crazy if I try not to use them. Can we just agree that coupons are stupid and start demanding that stores keep their prices reasonable instead?
I'm not thankful to have to start worrying about Christmas tomorrow. I don't like Christmas. Or Thanksgiving. Both are holidays that celebrate a world that I'm becoming increasingly resentful of.
What I am grateful for is the moments when it feels like the world is really beginning to change. I could be delusional, but I they're happening more frequently than they used to, at least in my eyes. I do think the world's getting better, and that we're pulling ourselves out of a toxic headspace. Maybe next year, I'll have something to be thankful for.
Wednesday, November 27, 2024
Tuesday, November 26, 2024
Monday, November 25, 2024
Blackout
Sunday, November 24, 2024
Once upon a time, Puget Sound Energy took out all of the trees along a busy Bellevue street so they could put up more power lines. It would accomplish nothing and no one wanted them, but they put them up any way. It was, they said, to help prevent more blackouts in the future. As I sit in a Starbucks, trying to avoid a cold, dark house that hasn't had power for five days at this point, I'm reminded of those hated powerlines, a monument to man's hubris and stubborness. The people at PSE, who put in those lines, and the people in the Bellevue City Council, who allowed those lines to go in, should remember them as well. We are not one's to forget slights, and I don't think people will be too happy to find firm confirmation that their enegy bills are nothing more than expensive lies.
Saturday, November 23, 2024
Friday, November 22, 2024
Thursday, November 21, 2024
Wednesday, November 20, 2024
Tuesday, November 19, 2024
It's been two weeks since the election. I'm struck by how absolutely certain everyone is that they did the right thing while everyone else did the wrong thing. I don't think anyone did the wrong thing. There was no right thing to do. Isn't that the kind of world we all wanted?
I keep thinking that on January 19th, we'll wake up to find this has all been a terrible dream. And then I wonder what world we'd wake up in. Biden hasn't exactly done a wonderful job of making it feel like Trump couldn't hurt us anymore, especially recently. What's the point of waking up if your waking life isn't any better than your dream life? I wish I could say that I knew a way to make our world real, but I don't, and I don't particularly want it to be.
Monday, November 18, 2024
Condemnation
As a river flows down from the sky,
Flooding the world with ideas and stories.
I sit and watch
As the world rushes past me
In a torrent,
Leaving me with nothing
But a valley too young
To be green.
I sit in solitude
Waiting
For opportunities
That I was never promised,
For things that I was explicitly told would never be mine.
I sit and wait
For the moment the world realizes
That I'm watching it,
Waiting for what I know it won't give me.
I sit in solitude
And stare into the future,
To the place where I'll go when I die.
I sit waiting
For condemnation,
For the moment when the world finally admits
That I will never be able to live in it
Peacefully.
I sit in solitude,
For I long for the gift
Of entitlement
And jealousy.
I sit trapped
In an empty room
Packed high with junk
That no one else wanted,
Because the world won't allow me
To become desperate
And angry.
The future has changed
And soon we will all be condemned
To live without anything more
Than absolute necessity,
Doomed never to dream about a life
Where there's too much to want
And too little to appreciate.
So we all sit in solitude,
Separated from each other
Not by distance
But by the sense that if we got too close
We would vaporize each other,
And the sense that if we look at each other
All we'll see is ourselves.
Sunday, November 17, 2024
I've been thinking a lot about the future, trying to figure out what shape it's going to be and what I'll do when I get there. I keep being hit with sudden, visceral reminders that in a couple of years the world won't look anything like the way it looks now. I was hoping that the world would last, but now that it's sinking in that things are going to change in a deep, unnamable way, I feel silly for even hoping. If this is supposed to be a test of some cold-hearted deity, than maybe what we need now is a refuge from Gods, somewhere we can truly make our own.
Saturday, November 16, 2024
I've heard at least one person claim that Elon Musk has no governmental power. I wouldn't let that fool you. The man has no power, but he fancies himself a visionary, and people who believe themselves to be visionaries are dangerous. He's convinced that not only is everything he says true, but that there's never been anyone else as capable of seeing the world as it is. He's stupid and impulsive, but he's also got an uncanny knack for landing on the bodies of passers by. Be careful where you move, and make sure you're not under him when he collapses our government.
Friday, November 15, 2024
Meaning
Being an Infinitelist, I don't believe in inherent meaning. Not to life, not to our world, not even to our Universe. The point of our Universe is to make the inherently meaningless, the Infinite, feel real and meaningful even for what, to the souls that live in the Infinite, is only the briefest of moments. On a smaller scale, that's what we're meant to do. We build reality on top of the Universe as the soul that made us built a Universe to hide from that which it couldn't change. Becoming an Infinitelist means learning how to create meaning where there isn't any and accepting that all of us, Infinitelist or otherwise, are doing the same thing whether or not we realize that's what we're doing.
I've gotten pretty good at creating meaning from nothing, so I'm not as numb or sad as other people are. What I'm worried about, though, is the risk of falling to the temptation of believing that this was inevitable, or that it was right somehow. It wasn't inevitable, and what happened wasn't right in any way. People were desperately trying to get Kamala Harris into the presidency for a reason, and seeing how little control we had over the outcome is going to hurt. Especially in a world where, more often than not, meaning has become something we're given rather than something we take by force.
I want to live in a future where Infinitelism is as common and understood as Christianity is today, but I worry that people will use their new ability to find meaning to avoid seeking any meaningful change. As much as I feel that finding a new religion is the way forward, I won't pretend that thoughts and prayers will be a magic solution. A few days before the election, someone reminded me that the reason we're in this position isn't just because our government is out of touch, but because people aren't able to get what they need from the world they live in. Things are expensive, healthcare sucks ass, anywhere it's safe to live has too many people, the police are growing less and less reliable, and nobody knows how to fix these things aside from praying to our elected officials and hoping that they listen. What people need is a world they know will last a long time and that will provide for them no matter how old, sick, or infirm they get. I want Infinitelism to be more than a search for meaning, I want it to be the foundation of that world. The one we know will stay real no matter how angry or sad we are.
Thursday, November 14, 2024
I had a conversation recently with someone convinced that we don't want the world to change all that much. I don't think that's true. I suspect that when you average out all of our desires, the end result won't look that different from what we have now, but every single person I know wants something that feels nothing like the world we have now. For one thing, it's run by people who know what the fuck they're doing and aren't blindly driving us off a cliff. That's the thing, our world is going to need to be run by people who know that the world they live in isn't the sum total of reality, and that isn't the case right now. More than that, when we rebuild reality, we're going to discover that we're not who we thought we were. Things are going to change a lot, and I don't think even the people in charge fully grasp what's about to happen.
Wednesday, November 13, 2024
Being an Infinitelist, I thought that I was prepared for the end of our world. But I wasn't. I was just deluding myself into believing that I was. I wasn't prepared for the deep sense of resentment I feel bubbling inside of me. There's a voice insisting that this shouldn't be happening, that things shouldn't have to change. The world of my childhood is real, and being real, it should last forever. I know intellectually that the whole point of reality is that it changes, it's the Infinite that doesn't change because everything that's happening has happened and is happening all at once. But my mind lives in the Infinite. It doesn't fully understand that eternity isn't meant to last forever.
Tuesday, November 12, 2024
The thing I resent the world for the most is that it's forced me to live without a sense of entitlement. So many of my peers came into the world expecting piles of treasure for nothing, and were horrified and angry when this was denied them. I was never promised, and it was made explicit from birth that if I went in expecting anymore than the bare minimum, I wouldn't get anything at all. Yet there are others who go through life expecting, nay, demanding more, even when they don't get it. Why am I not allowed to do the same? Why am I not allowed to ask for more and then get angry when the world withholds it from me? I don't care if I don't deserve any of what I demand, that particular excuse hasn't stopped millions the world over from demanding whatever they want, even if they weren't going to be able to do anything with it once they had it. People act like I should know better than to be demanding, that I should be serene and calm enough to listen to the world and act on its advice. My reply to that is this; when did intelligence remove from me the inalienable right all of humanity has to stupidity?
Monday, November 11, 2024
I Don't Want to Know
The more my world fails me
Inside and out.
Things I took for granted
Vanish into thin air,
Leaving nothing but lies in their place.
The older I get,
The more science tells me
I need to be wary
And prepared for disaster.
It turns out that's code
For giving up
Everything that makes life good.
The older I get,
The more I find
That I don't want to know
Just what's wrong
With me
Or the world at large.
I want to live the fantasy life
Of someone too stupid
To see how much they're failing.
Someone who will never know
That the world fell apart
Because of neglect
And sabotage.
I should want to know,
I should want to do the right thing,
I should want to believe
That the truth will set me free,
But I know nothing.
All I know
Is that the older I get
The more it feels like ignorance
Is bliss.
Sunday, November 10, 2024
I'm starting to see more and more people frame the last election as though it was a triumph of evil rather than the inevitable result of people growing more and more disillusioned with the concept of America. I haven't seen it too many places, but I'm worried that it will start to become more common. I get it, it's a lot easier to demonize Trump voters than admit that we don't have anything to unify us beyond the belief that our leaders suck at their jobs. My thinking, though, is that there has to be a center of mass within the various things we believe and value, and if we can find where that center of mass is, we can put something there for people to worship. Once we do that, I think that rebuilding society will be a piece of cake. The trouble is getting people to invest themselves in the world enough for us to find where the center of mass is. That's not going to happen if everyone is convinced that everyone else around them is a monster instead of a human looking for a God they can worship. Remember, this world is only real as long as we believe that it exists. If you want to see why a world is failing, look for the things people need in order to believe in it again.
Saturday, November 9, 2024
I wish that I could say that I have something hopeful, but I don't. Not really. There are good things going on in the world, but there are always good things in the world. What's missing is the belief that we'll be able to affect these things, instead of just having to wait for them to happen to us. I have nothing to prove that we have control, one way or the other, and a half baked-platitude seems uncalled for. I guess all I can do is insist that you do something to help yourself feel in control, sans firearms hopefully. Knit stockings for charity, cook a meal for your family, read to your loved ones, something like that. Something to feel at least a little better. Sometimes all we can do is convince ourselves that we're in charge of our destiny. Indeed, I think that's all the world can really ask of us at the end of the day.
Friday, November 8, 2024
I refer to myself as the world's most powerful Dreamer. Somewhat facetiously, but also as something of a jab against other people who, in my eyes, aren't trying to Dream nearly as much as they should be. For instance, I keep seeing people refer to themselves as servants of light. Why not just believe that you're the light itself, sent to extinguish the darkness? It's really easy to imagine, and fills you with a much stronger sense of power than just pretending to believe that light is blessing you. On the subject of light versus darkness, I don't think of darkness as being the same as evil. I think of darkness as being the substance of our world, the thing that gives it's laws and beliefs form. Darkness isn't just the absence of light after all, it's the matter that makes up our world and shows us that we live in a world bounded and protected from the Infinite. Without darkness, we'd live in a void of light, with nothing delineating what's real from what isn't real. But all that's real isn't good, and being bound by physics means that we cling to darkness even when things no longer make sense and we can't ignore that our world isn't real anymore. It takes strength to embrace the light, to admit that our world isn't real just because we instinctively think that it is, but that strength isn't inherently good either. We don't truly reckon with this, but a powerful source of light could undo the Universe itself, exposing us to the Infinite in its truest form. We aren't that powerful yet, but someday we will be. We need to remember that, or else our world will be ripped apart.
Thursday, November 7, 2024
Thought's on Trump's Victory
I write these posts a day in advance, and I think I needed a day to just process everything. You know, I'm sure, that I didn't vote this time, and if you want to smite me, I welcome it. Even living in a liberal state where Harris won by a wide margin, it still feels like it's my fault. Maybe it is, I don't know.
I don't have any positive or upbeat messages. I'm not that kind of person. I'm also not going to sit here listing every organization you should join/build to try and undo the damage. I was never that kind of leftist. What I am going to offer is an observation or two.
First, I'm going to admit that most of what I'm feeling right now is relief. I've been feeling so disillusioned for so long that in a way this result feels like validation for all of the anger and sadness I've felt. I know, it would be better if I was feeling numb or sad, something to indicate I felt anything towards the people who have just lost everything.
Secondly, I'm going to fight in whatever way that I can. We all are. I know that everyone reading this and most of the people who aren't reading this are going to fight like hell for the world they're about to lose. We're going to fight for ourselves, for each other, for the little bird called hope who seems so helpless without us. That's good, and important. But we will lose steam at some points. We aren't fighting some made up ideology, we're fighting people who believe things for their own reasons. They're garbage reasons, but who among us doesn't have something we believe in for completely made up reasons?
Thirdly, our world's going to change. We're going to lose things that are important to us and most of the fighting will be to try and get them back. We probably won't get them back. Not in the form that we had them in. Trust will be broken, people will be hurt, we'll find ourselves wondering if any of this was real. There won't be some grand moment of victory when we stand, golden and glowing, on a world we love and remember. All there will be are moments of sadness when we realize something we know is gone, probably forever.
Finally, let me tell you a story. In 2022, when I was first starting to blog, I was falling victim to a delusion of my own choosing. There was a famous music producer who was selling NFTs at the time. Not wanting to support him but not wanting to let go of music I genuinely loved, I rebelled. I got angry. I did everything except anything that should have had an effect. And yet, eventually, his NFT store went offline. It ended. And I will forever wonder if I, somehow, had an impact.
There are a million ways to read that, but my personal takeaway is that sometimes we'll win, and when we do we might feel just as bad as if we'd lost. I know that I did. I won, but nothing was the same. I still didn't trust him, I couldn't listen to his music guilt free, and I was now stuck in a vicious belief of simultaneously being convinced everything was about me and that he didn't care. I doubt it'll be that bad, but I do know for a fact that what impact, if any, we leave will be questionable.
Millions of people are now waking up wondering if they had any impact on the election. Did their vote matter? Last time, millions of people felt the same way, and they refused to accept it. Now they've won, and look where that got us. This is what victory looks like. It looks like broken wastelands of ash and dust, skies blocked out by smoke, people wandering around wondering what the hell to do next. When this is over, most of us will wonder if we should have fought at all. I can't give you an answer. All I can say is that if you don't fight, you'll spend the rest of your life wondering why you didn't.
Let me conclude with this observation; reality should be able to withstand you having a negative opinion about it, even if your right. That most of the people fighting for Kamala Harris couldn't bring up her negative points was a bad sign. Our reality can't withstand negativity anymore, it's being stretched too many different directions. That can work to our advantage now. So go forth and complain, fight like hell for your friends, neighbors, and that cute little restaurant you don't want to lose. Be as selfish as you can, and when this is over picture a world built on the things that you believe in. Because from now on we live in a world that's only real so long as we believe it exists.
Wednesday, November 6, 2024
I ran out of mini-poems a while ago, and have just been writing them as need be. In light of yesterday, I think that I want to pivot, at least for a little bit. Everyone has that one thing about the world they wish they could change, and mine is that I want us to find something that we can believe in. Something that works with science, society, and what we now know about our world. Something that will protect us from nihilism and our inherent fear of death. I have Infinitelism, which works for me because I created it around myself and my issues. I think we need something a bit different for the rest of humanity. Something a bit more optimistic.
Tuesday, November 5, 2024
Election Ramblings
Well, it's election day. For what it's worth, if you're going to vote, vote for Kamala Harris. I've already cast my ballot, and it bears a not insubstantial resemblance to my standardized test papers back when I was in school. There's probably a whole essay on how most students have felt more stress around test days than adults do on national elections, but I'm pretty sure most of us know what it would consist of. Looking back, I'm a little stunned at how black and white our school system is. We're at a point where there is no right answer, only a "best" answer that is very much open to interpretation. Did no one stop and think that maybe a system built on filling in the right bubbles was very much not the way to teach people to appreciate just how hard it is to make choices in the real world? I don't think there was a way to prepare us for this, because if there had been a way to stop this, we'd have done it by now. But like every single person in the United States at this moment, I think that we could have done better.
I could stop there, but I feel like I have more to stay. First off, on a gut level I don't feel like this choice matters nearly as much as people say it does. One person will upend the status quo, one will maintain it. That's the fact we're focusing on. What most people have been ignoring is that the status quo sucks ass, and the only platform the Dems have to run on is the belief that not having the status quo will be worse. That was true in 2020, it's a lot less true now, and I think it's reasonable to say that even if Harris wins today, it'll stop being true before 2028. Who are we going to vote for when that happens? I can't read everyone's mind, but I think I speak for most of us when I say that when we go to the polls, we vote not for politicians but for some nebulously defined sense of morality that was instilled in us during our child and teen years. That morality has increasingly come into tension with the reality we live in. First it stopped being okay to vote for Republicans, then for the center, now it's almost wrong to vote at all. There's the barest sliver of justification to believe in our system, and I think it's a lot smaller than people make it out to be. What with our need to avoid seeing the nature of reality.
Beneath all of this talk about who you should vote for and why, there's this weird conflict I keep seeing but can't fully articulate, even to myself. If I had to describe it, I'd say it's a conflict over what, if anything, the fascists are right about. There's this agreement that overall, they're evil and bad, but I feel like a lot of people, especially white people, have something they agree with the fascists on. In my case, I can't help but feel like the government should be the one fixing things, not us. I know that most fascists argue in favor of states rights, but if they actually believed that than they wouldn't have voted for Trump. No matter how many times I'm proven wrong, I keep thinking that those in power should be able to do the things we need them to do without us either forcing them to do it or just doing it ourselves. But not only will they not do the things we need them to do, they punish us for trying to do more in their stead. I know that Infinitelism isn't mainstream, but I think that everyone has to know that if people see that their government is failing them, they won't believe in it anymore, and even George Lucas was smart enough to know that Democracy only works if people believe that it will work. People keep proposing solutions to our problems, but I don't think there's any solution for stupidity at the top level, especially when there's no one on the ballot exempt from this. I know that real solutions are difficult, but I don't think it should be this hard to convince our leaders that we need them more than they need to win the election. Except that if they don't win, then worse people will win. In short, we're doomed, and nothing will meaningfully change so we may as well just give up.
I'm going to speak as an Infinitelist and say that now is the time for us to get pissed. Not only are we never going to convince our leaders that things are dire, we aren't allowed to convince ourselves of this anymore, because looking at how bad things have gotten would mean admitting there's no reason to believe we can fix them anymore. I have no idea who, ultimately, is at fault for this, but no matter who it was that got us here, it's now up to us to get the hell out. It's now up to us to admit that we need a new reality, one where we can depend on things staying real and where keeping the laws of physics from collapsing doesn't require openly manifesting. Things are going to get bad, because the only path forward is for all of us to pick the thing that we believe in the most and then chase that thing without looking at anyone or anything else. Match the fascists with our own brand of insanity, one devoted to proving the worth of people who don't fit into the mainstream. Our work won't end until even those who live comfortably are fighting with all they have for the things that they believe in. Until the day everyone knows about Infinitelism and the direction upon which our future lies, I will not rest. I expect all of you to advocate for your own beliefs with equal fervor.
Monday, November 4, 2024
Survival of the Fittest
That's what they'll say
When they look back on this moment.
No certainty or belief,
Only a sense of desperation.
"Every man for himself",
An archaic term
From a time long gone,
Words that deny the validity
Of half of the human race.
What better words could be said
Of a moment
Such as this?
Right and wrong,
Good and bad,
There has to be an answer
That won't kill us in our sleep.
There have to be words
That won't bring forth nature
In the worst form it takes.
No love,
No community,
Only survival of the fittest,
The ones who were chosen,
To carry on the human race.
"Every man for himself."
That's how the fascists talk
When they get on their platforms
Of cruelty and greed.
"Every man should help himself
To the spoils of war."
No thought for the needy,
No love for the destitute,
Only a desire
For destruction
And chaos.
They sound so certain.
They speak as though
They know something we don't.
Is it any wonder
That we've turned out to be
Just like them?
"Every man for himself.
Let our world be turned over
To the will of nature
And the needs of the many over the few."
The few will rule over us.
It is they who will decide
Who lives and who dies.
Nobody but them thinks
That they should be in charge.
Nobody thinks this is fair.
"Every man for himself."
They say,
"Except us.
Don't abandon us
In our hour of need.
Without you,
We'd die.
We need you.
Please don't leave us
To suffer our fate.
Please don't let the chaos
Of the Infinite
Devour us whole."
Sunday, November 3, 2024
You know what I want out of this election? I want a world of people who are committed to making sure that next time, people aren't on the verge of tears because they're doing the right thing. No one should be breaking down because they're doing their democratic duty, and no one should feel like they should abstain because both options feel awful. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm fighting for a world where people can vote for either candidate, without looking like a disgrace or feeling like total crap.
Saturday, November 2, 2024
I don't remember the exact moment I became something I might call an Infinitelist. I think that it was some time around mid-2014 when I started building this philosophy, and it solidified in about 2018. I'm looking at our world through the eyes of an Infinitelist, and all I see is a world with no boundaries where basically anything goes. Instead of rule of law, the Fascists gave us anarchy. People ask for unity out loud, but what they want is to know that they are saying and doing the thing that keeps the world real. They want certainty, objectivity, and to know that the truth won't change from today to tomorrow. They want a world that they believe in. I'm extremely biased, but I can't help but think that it'll take more than politics to lead us out of this mess. What we need is a new and different religion.
Friday, November 1, 2024
The Souls of Our World
Of the past, present, and future;
Please let our world last
One more day.
Please come to us
In our hour of need,
And guide us to where we should go.
Thursday, October 31, 2024
When I think of this next election all I can think is, "We shouldn't vote Trump," That goes without saying. But I look at the people telling me to overlook the genocide in Gaza, because Trump would be orders of magnitude worse, and I can't help but think, "That may be true, but if our society is so broken that our government can't stop a genocide in a country that relies on us for money, do we have a chance?" I feel like we're in denial of just how bad the situation has gotten, and I don't like that nobody seems to have noticed this yet. Don't get me wrong, I wish I could vote for Kamala Harris. It would make things so much better if on November sixth I could look back and say, "Well at least I tried." But we're at a point where the world could end and I could die if I don't vote for her. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that feels a little fascist to me.
Wednesday, October 30, 2024
Good Vs. Evil
That our narratives are overly simplistic
On purpose?
Am I wrong in thinking
That this isn't really a fight
Between good and evil,
But a fight between reality
And the end of all we know?
Am I wrong in suspecting
That good will win only
Because we're terrified of death?
Am I wrong in thinking
That we'll wake up one morning
To find that this is all a lie?
Tuesday, October 29, 2024
I need to state this for the record; no matter who wins the next election, things won't be peaceful. I don't think the democrats have what it takes to keep the fascists from taking more ground, and I want to believe that if Trump was elected we'd push back. The truth is, the world as we know it will end on November fifth. Either we fight like hell to bring back the world we loved, or we watch it fade into the Infinite. There is no way that our government will save us now.
Monday, October 28, 2024
The Vote
Are we really sure that
The forces who destroyed democracy will walk away quietly?
Or are we just pretending
That so long as we profess our belief
In democracy
Than the sun will rise tomorrow?
I'm one of millions who will abstain
Not because of politics
But for personal reasons.
Reasons such as being disillusioned with those
Who pretend that our flag
Ever meant anything.
I have my choice
As to who I want in charge,
But my voice will never be heard.
Will I regret my decision?
I truly don't know.
What I do know
Is that it feels wrong not to make it.
Vote if you can.
Abstain if you must.
Pray that our country
Dies on its own terms.
Pray that when it dies,
You'll be alive
And strong enough to see the future.
Sunday, October 27, 2024
This election cycle has gotten me thinking about what I want from our political system and why. Mostly I just want a world where when it becomes clear that nobody buys the mainstream narrative anymore, we have a plan of action in place to create something different. I want a more competent brand of evil, basically. As far as I can tell, all of the people in power who aren't in an elected position dream of power for the same reasons I do and are using the same tactics as I do to get it. Am I wrong in thinking that when you have control over millions of people, your tactics should be more sophisticated than a dreamer with no power over anyone? I've decided that if I can't honestly say that I'm jealous of you, you don't deserve to be above me. There's shockingly few people in power who can clear that very low bar.
Saturday, October 26, 2024
Political Rant
I can't believe that the Washington Post isn't endorsing anyone. I know that I'm not voting, and I've talked about that a lot, but I don't think I have the same impact as the Washington Post would have. Also, pretty much everyone agrees this was just because they don't want to suffer any backlash for endorsing Kamala Harris if Trump wins. Except that no one wants him to win. I hate the concept of being stuck in a country where a party always wins because the other option is to accept the existence of the Infinite. I reject that future on principle.
My feeling is that if you're not willing to do anything to protect people from the Infinite because you expect the people to do most of the work for you, you're not worth my time. Only it's not just the government that's not doing anything to protect people from the Infinite. Even a lot of the people going to bat against Trump are only doing that because they're terrified of him winning. But I didn't see the Democrats do a whole lot to protect us.
I'm a Leftist. I've seen people fight fascism ever since Trump was elected. People have been fighting this for years, begging for people to see the truth and do more. When the rest of the establishment finally realizes that we crossed the point of no return years ago, it'll be too little too late.
Friday, October 25, 2024
Thursday, October 24, 2024
Something that's really starting to bother me is that the people trying to convince me not to vote for Trump don't seem to be doing anything to convince me to vote. My problem is that from where I'm sitting, I'm voting in either a candidate who supports an ongoing genocide and one who supports the downfall of American democracy, and the only reason to vote for the genocide candidate is to put off the fall of democracy for two years if we're lucky. That feels like an obvious issue that should be addressed by someone, but no one's talking about what you should do if you, like me, feel like you're being told to compromise your moral compass for little to no long term benefit. At some point I have to ask; if we can't save democracy, than why do we keep dragging the point out?
Wednesday, October 23, 2024
Mole Day
Monday, October 21, 2024
The Center of America
That's the first lesson I learned
About patriotism.
America is Good.
Don't question it,
Don't think too closely,
Don't be afraid to call out its flaws,
But always remember
That America is Good.
Make America Great Again.
That's the first time I remember
A politician outright saying
That we weren't a great country.
It was a clear farce.
Going back to a past
Of oppression
And entrapment
Wouldn't fix anything.
Besides,
America might have problems
But at its center
It was still America.
How could it go wrong?
But then the bad guys won,
And everything changed.
It's been four years since I voted
To bring America
Back to life.
We all did.
Only to find out that evil
Doesn't like to lay down and die.
Ever since then,
It's been one good party
And one bad party.
That's the one truth that everyone agrees on,
Even if they don't agree on who the good guys are.
America is Good.
That's the first lesson I learned
About patriotism.
Trust the plan.
Believe in Democracy.
Don't be afraid to speak your mind.
But one party now supports genocide,
While the other is a monster in every way.
There is a line between Good and Evil,
And somewhere between my childhood and now
We've crossed the line into Evil.
The Center of America
Is now a wasteland
Governed by a mafia.
Were we ever good?
Was there any potential for greatness,
Or was it all a lie?
How does one turn America
Into a place we can believe in once more?
Sunday, October 20, 2024
Saturday, October 19, 2024
Every time I go to Zoo Lights, I'm struck by how boring it is. It is boring to an adult, one who's seen many better and more interesting things online. Yet, in a way, it's become a treasured experience because it's so boring. I know every animal they show, all the paths you can go down. It's something that's stayed real during and after the pandemic, unaltered by the flow of history. It's not beautiful, but I can't seem to let it go. I don't always go, but some years I know that if we don't make it in time, I'll be bitterly disappointed.
Friday, October 18, 2024
Old Sayings
The more they stay the same.
Sometimes I wonder
If the reverse is also true.
Words that mean anything,
Taken as gospel,
But in the end only matter in context.
There are things said so often
That we take them as truth;
The grass is always greener,
The sun will always come out,
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Woven into our culture
Sayings are pervasive,
Yet we don't even know if they're true until it's too late.
Thursday, October 17, 2024
Wednesday, October 16, 2024
Hope
Is a phone in a bag of rice,
Waiting to be turned on.
Sometimes hope
Is a box of cookies
Waiting to be eaten.
Sometimes hope
Is nothing more than a promise that
Good or bad
Life will go on.
Tuesday, October 15, 2024
Monday, October 14, 2024
The Primordial Scream
Every day that passes
The size of the space
That I'm allowed to occupy
Is less and less.
I can't take it anymore.
I need to scream.
I need to let my voice be heard
Across the Universe.
I need to invoke the scream
Of the ancients
When they realized the Gods
Could not see them.
Sunday, October 13, 2024
Am I wrong for wishing that more people knew about Infinitelism? I don't want to start a cult, and I don't want this to be just another money making self help scheme. I want this to be something that does genuine good for the world. Unfortunately, no one's done any studies about how to run an ethical religion. You're just supposed to magically know what not to do.
Saturday, October 12, 2024
I've already said that I'm not going to vote, and I stand by that, but the state of America pre-election still has me deeply concerned. The Democrats, and the press, are repeating the same mistakes that got Trump elected in 2016, despite the fact that everyone agrees that he shouldn't be allowed to get a second term. Maybe this just feels obvious to me, since I'm an Infinitelist, but if you can't stop yourself from doing things that reveal just how much the country is a figment of our collective imagination, than you shouldn't be in charge at all.
Friday, October 11, 2024
Live and Let live
Or things getting worse,
Just live and let live!"
That's what the voices
In the Infinite keep telling me,
How do I tell them
That I'm not going to do that?
I'm not going to live
In a world where I'm not heard.
Thursday, October 10, 2024
Wednesday, October 9, 2024
Obscurity
People have chosen to hide me
From their mind's eye,
Dare I choose the path
That will force them to see me
As I actually am?
Tuesday, October 8, 2024
As of yesterday, it's been one year since Hamas attacked Israel and Netanyahu cemented himself as the most demented asshole on the planet. It takes moxie to take what should be a big show of your enemies immorality and instead use it as a demonstration of how right they were to hate your ass. I wouldn't be stunned if the reason our government hasn't turned its back on Israel is because they know that if they do, Israel isn't likely to survive. A reasonable position, if one chooses to forget that they could have told Israel to stop much sooner and then this wouldn't have happened.
Monday, October 7, 2024
The Sea of Stars
Standing on a pillar of stillness
In an endless sea of starlight.
No color,
No gradient,
Nothing but black and white.
All human sensation suspended
To sense the power of the unknown.
This is the place where our souls live.
I can still remember the first time I saw this place.
I was young,
A child,
Old enough to have opinions and some independence,
Not quite old enough to be on my own.
I was alone,
But I wasn't afraid.
For the first time in my life
I felt like me world made sense.
I'm not alone anymore.
All around me I see children,
The same age I was when I first saw this place.
I felt like I knew everything,
But they don't look much older than toddlers to me.
Ah well,
They'll grow up,
Stronger, smarter, and nicer
Then I.
But I know for a fact they'll never lose the sense of awe
That comes when you see this place.
I know this
Because even now
I look at the sea of stars
And I feel as though I see everything that is,
Was,
And will be.
Sunday, October 6, 2024
If I win the lottery, I'm going to buy a house purely for the purposes of filling it up with the ugliest furniture I can find. I've lived my entire life in a house built in part to impress people, so I want to get away from that, and I've also found that I really like things most people think aren't attractive. God I wish that I could start now.
Saturday, October 5, 2024
Friday, October 4, 2024
Homemade
You can make something better
Than any store in the world.
But for most of us
It's enough of a win
To not set the oven on fire.
Thursday, October 3, 2024
Wednesday, October 2, 2024
More of the Same
And feel nothing but loathing.
How much longer must I put up
With more of the same?
Tuesday, October 1, 2024
I can't help but think about how the web's become disconnected from itself in light of the loss of Twitter. Sure, some people are still there, but unless you're deep in the world of fascism there's no good reason to stay there. I feel like there are many essays that could be written about how Elon Musk is erasing all identity other than himself, and how social media in general has from the beginning been a vehicle in erasing already marginalized groups. I also feel like most people are at least somewhat aware of this. Strange how evil always feels familiar while marginalized groups, who are there all the time, often seem strange and unnatural. Maybe one day we'll know so much about one another that we won't feel strange, and we won't feel like we can't talk to one another without someone getting hurt.
Monday, September 30, 2024
Deadline
Sunday, September 29, 2024
I wonder how much longer it will be before someone other than me notices that not only are there no good answers, there aren't any right answers either. If I vote for Donald Trump, I'm wrong. If I vote for Kamala Harris I'm wrong, but maybe less wrong than I would be otherwise. It I don't vote at all, I'm betting my future on people having more sense than me. Those are my only choices, and all of them lead to damnation. I'm expected to accept this reality, to admit that all I can do is minimize the damage. But I can't. I can't accept a world where I'm powerless and can't believe in anything. I can't accept a world where the physics were laid out in just such a way that I can't live by my own terms anymore. No one can. We don't believe in this world anymore. We're only pretending that we do because of the one true fear that everything in the Universe feels. Inside all of us is a silent voice saying that if we don't go to the polls on November 5th, we'll be responsible for the loss of everything we've ever believed in. So what's left then? Are we doomed to be forgotten? Are we doomed to be erased? Are we doomed to awaken from our eternal dream? Is it possible that we can face reality and reject it? Can we turn from this doomed path to one where we aren't just pretending to believe in democracy, but following its principles every day of our lives?
Saturday, September 28, 2024
This world wants me to believe that it owns me mind, body, and soul. It wants me to submit to existing only according to its belief of who I am and what I want. It want's me to be nothing more than a thing that it can shove around as needed. I spent my entire life fighting to be a person free of its demands, and by pure luck I'm now in a position where I can exist on my own terms. I'm not going to sit back and watch as everyone around me loses their ability to live as they choose. I am a human being. One with enough self awareness to know that the only thing I know exists is the world that I experience, no matter how much science, and everyone else, seems to contradict it. There will come a time when history proves me wrong in every respect, but I take comfort in knowing that I won't be alive to see it. I am an Infinitelist. My world is only real so long as I believe it exists.
Friday, September 27, 2024
Dress-up
I see people in costume
Pretending to be royalty.
When did we start taking this seriously?
I thought this was meant to be fun.
Thursday, September 26, 2024
If I had any kind of pull, I would get this article seen by everyone in the world. I'm sick and tired of living in a country that's supporting not only genocide, but an outright fascist. Isn't the whole point of the Democratic party that it's the option for the non-fascists? Because it sure as hell doesn't look like they care about fascism any more than the republican party did in 2008. We, the people, stand with Palestine, not Israel. We'll never stand with Israel again no matter how hard you try to make us stand with them. If what I've heard is true, the Israelites are entirely on board with this genocide. They want Palestine to fall and Palestinians to suffer for the crime of not being Jewish. Now, they're invading Lebanon for no goddamn reason, and you bet your ass the people in charge will move right on ahead with sending all of the money and arms they could want, and we'll have to watch as more people are killed for no reason. Why do the Democrats keep insisting that they're the good party. There is no good party in congress anymore.
Wednesday, September 25, 2024
Manifestation
I beg,
I cajole,
I scream,
I make sure the Universe knows
That I want it without question.
I don't feel guilty,
Since I'm not very powerful,
But why do our leaders do the same thing?
Shouldn't they be capable
Of showing me
The error of my ways?
Tuesday, September 24, 2024
Sometimes I wonder if the fascists of the world realize that they're miserable. They want a world built on only their viewpoints, an idea that looks wonderful in you're mind but is horrible to live in. I would know, I've lived life as apart from the world as possible because I didn't trust people not to hurt me. But you know what happens? You wind up feeling so lonely and powerless that you become deeply delusional. I was lucky. I managed to pull myself out of it. Building a world with other people is hard, sometimes impossible, but there are more ways of doing it now than there ever have been. Remember, influence always goes both ways, and in a world where a single sentence on Twitter can change people's lives forever, it's easier to influence and be influenced than it ever has been.
Monday, September 23, 2024
Safe Haven
All I want is time.
All I want is to know
That tomorrow
Won't be as bad as today.
All I want is to be safe
From the terrors
Of the world that was,
A zombie searching
For those too weak to run.
Everyone is running
For a safe haven,
A place free of poverty,
Death,
And uncertainty.
Everyone hopes for the day
That tomorrow will finally arrive.
Everyone wants a future
In which they're important
Even if we choose not to remember them.
I wish I could find
A city
With an aura of gold.
I wish I could live in a world
Where politics didn't matter.
I wish I could live in a world where everyone is jealous,
Because everyone could always have more.
Sunday, September 22, 2024
Saturday, September 21, 2024
I feel like way too much of our world is beloved only because it was already popular. So much time goes towards making things popular because in our world if it isn't popular, people won't care about it. Because so much is turned into "popularity" that keeping up with the status quo is more than a full time job. Call me old fashioned, but I think the decisions of what is and isn't important should be left up to us, and corporations shouldn't be encouraging us to shame one another for not staying on top of what's trendy. Let the world grow naturally, and trust that success will come eventually.
Friday, September 20, 2024
Longing for the Past
Or bitterness.
This longing for a past
That I never got to experience.
The magazines that I collected
And the stories that I wrote
Hold a special place on my shelf
And my heart,
But I don't remember why anymore.
Thursday, September 19, 2024
Wednesday, September 18, 2024
A Single Thought
Begins with a single thought,
A belief bubbling up
From within one's chest;
"I can do a better job than you."
Monday, September 16, 2024
The Child
With a set of mismatched paints,
Strewn across paper
On a classroom easel.
No rhyme,
No reason,
No meaning beyond
What the child thinks
Is beautiful.
The teacher nods sagely.
The parents beam in approval.
The older sister groans
At the latest masterwork.
The cousin wonders how many more
They'll make
Before they give up on art
For good.
The child cries,
Hungry for approval.
At the encouragement
Of their parents
They soldier on.
New works are brought home,
New stories written with
No rhyme,
No reason,
Nothing but the hope
Of one day being seen.
Authority holds out hope
That the child will give up,
But the child has parents
Who give them everything they want.
If the child had any idea
Of what the world was like
Their work would be inspiring.
But instead it's derivative,
Boring,
Pointless.
Time passes by
And the child soldiers on
In pursuit of praise.
Pen goes to paper,
Paint goes on canvas,
Work is created with
No rhyme,
No reason,
Nothing beyond
A bid for attention.
The world is unlucky,
And the child never grows up
No matter how much time passes.
Family connections mean their work goes
From the front of the refrigerator
To the front pages
Of social media.
No one likes what they make,
But the world is full of people
Who long to create
Without the risk of judgement.
The child hasn't grown,
Their work is the work
Of their younger self,
Without the benefit
Of wisdom.
The child,
In a bid for attention,
Builds a world a child cannot live in.
The child,
Like all children,
Believes that belief
Is all it takes
To make something real.
The child believes
That if enough people see their work
And tell them that it matters,
That means they must be
A Picasso
Or a Van Gogh.
The child,
Like all children,
Doesn't want to grow up.
Adults stand from afar,
Mocking the child
For their childish work,
And for learning nothing
About life
In the decades that
They've been alive.
They're baffled
By those
Who say that the child's
Work
Is golden.
Somewhere out there,
Someone loves
Everything the child
Says and does,
But to the rest
There's no rhyme,
No reason,
Nothing but a commentary
On the folly
Of the human race.
Sunday, September 15, 2024
Saturday, September 14, 2024
Am I the only one reflecting on how much has changed since 2014? It's strange, things were bad back then, but it felt so much more hopeful than things are now. We were out of the quagmire of the pandemic, there was a presidential candidate who spoke the language of socialism, we hadn't elected Trump yet, and it felt like things could get better if we just held on. I can't help but think back to the 2016 election, where Trump faced off against Hilary Clinton. I know people say that Kamala's going to win, but I'm honestly a little dubious. Hilary made a lot fewer mistakes, but she still lost. Kamala doesn't have enough insight to see just how important cutting of Israel is, and that's a much bigger deal than the Emails were. It's not people voting for Trump that I'm worried about, it's the people who are now convinced that both sides are too awful to vote for. What if enough people feel like they can't vote for anyone? What happens then?
Friday, September 13, 2024
Collector
In boxes,
Untouched by human hand.
The world keeps forgetting
The things you collect,
But you hold onto the past
As though it were a priceless jewel.
Who else
Would avoid drawing in magazines
Made to be disassembled?
Who else
Would try to keep books
With outdated advice?
Who else remembers
The world that you do?
Thursday, September 12, 2024
At the front of Fred Meyer, there’s a stand where you can buy jewelry for forty bucks a pop. No one in Fred Meyer believes that what they’re selling is worth forty bucks, but they believe that they can convince you to buy it for forty bucks, and the reason they believe that is they know that the people buying jewelry at Goodwill for three bucks want it to be worth forty bucks.
I grew up believing that anything you found for cheap, in one of those capsule machines at a grocery store or at the counter of a gift store, could be worth something if you wanted it to be. It didn't need to be worth anything to anyone else, it just had to mean something to you. I still think that, but I've started noticing that there are charms and necklaces being sold for a lot more than they're worth. I'm learning that a lot of what I thought made me unique is actually very common, including my belief that worthless things can be valuable if you like them enough. But I don't think that means we should charge forty dollars for jewelry that will only fetch three dollars at Goodwill. Just because something can be important doesn't mean that it will be.
Wednesday, September 11, 2024
Tuesday, September 10, 2024
I think that both of our presidential candidates have crossed a line. I know the democrats aren't fascist, but on a gut level it feels like they are, or at least that they're complicit with fascism. Would it be more moral to vote for Kamala next election instead of for no one at all? Probably, almost certainly, but my heart doesn't agree. It's not even about punishing, it's this voice in my head saying that a world where both choices are this bad should not exist. I don't believe in this world anymore, and the fact that people are insisting I participate regardless infuriates me.
Monday, September 9, 2024
Trust
Though I do not know who,
Are they good?
Are they evil?
Will they be led astray?
How do I let them know
Not to take me at my word?
I do not wish to mislead them,
I just don't know the whole story.
Everyone has an opinion,
Everyone knows
What they think on
The matter at hand.
Read between the lines,
Find the sources you trust,
All well and good
When you don't know the bias.
I don’t want to hurt people,
I don't to force someone
To be something
They don't want to be,
But I can't stop people
From using me as an excuse.
All I can do is ask
That people take a step back
When reading my words.
I may be good at talking,
But I don't know everything,
However much I try to learn.
Sunday, September 8, 2024
I hope that our future is full of people who use the fact that our world is subjective to make it a better place. I want people to see that even if we think that we're checked out, or that we can't do anything, we can do something to move the world in the way that we want it to go. Am I being overly optimistic? Yeah, but I believe in it regardless.
Saturday, September 7, 2024
I could be wrong about this, but I'm beginning to think that capitalism deeply resents the ordinary. It wants us all to believe that not only can we be extraordinary, but that we should be extraordinary, at least as it defines the term. What that means is that we wind up copying everyone else, so that ordinary winds up looking weird and uncanny, while the freaks of the world wind up looking a little mundane. Capitalism doesn't want people to be loners, it wants people to believe that their lonely and unfulfilled. It doesn't want people to be different, it just wants people to believe that they already are. People who know who they are and are happy with their lives are the bane of capitalism's existence, because those people never want the things capitalism sells the hardest.
Friday, September 6, 2024
Wishes
At the same time?
Why do I want someone to tell me that I'll have it all
And that I'll be nothing
In the same breath?
I want a reason to mope,
But I want to believe
That someday,
Somehow,
I'll win so big
That I need never play
This twisted game
Again.
I can't have it all.
So which one will I pick?
Thursday, September 5, 2024
I have no clue if Infinitelism as a term will take hold, but I'm completely certain that the philosophy behind it, or something similar, will dominate if we don't go extinct first. My reasoning for this is that we currently believe in two types of worlds. The first kind is what most of us think of as religious; a world where everyone is working towards some nebulously defined goal or serving some nebulous being. They're falling out of fashion as people begin to realize that these beings can't exist and that the people they're following are humans like themselves. What's replacing them are what we think of as secular worlds; worlds that work towards peace and contentment for all of the members, with the idea being that at the center is a world where everyone's happy. The thing is, that world doesn't exist, and in fact it can never exist. We figured that out pretty early on, and the past few centuries have been centered around trying to convince people that there is such a thing as paradise on Earth only to then fail in spectacular fashion. That means that there's only one option left; find an ideology that most of us agree is reasonable and then work like hell to make it as real as we can. Regardless of if you're one of those people who believes in physics, that's the only way our world is going to go. We can't have paradise, and no one wants to live a world they can't change. Whether the people in charge like it or not, our future will belong to everyone.
Wednesday, September 4, 2024
Cat Statue
Staring out a window
Watching the prey fly by.
Cursed with eternal life,
Or blessed with the greatest gift
One could have.
Looking into its eyes,
One has to wonder
What it would think
If it was alive.
Tuesday, September 3, 2024
I'm going to admit this publicly, because either I'm right and I'll be able to say that I called it or I'm wrong, in which case I'll have been worrying about nothing, but that's probably a good thing. I think we're rapidly approaching the moment when we learn that physics is no more real than society. I don't mean that in a "science is just a construct of the world around it" way (although I do think that's more true than we want to admit), I think that because I think that physics is made up of subatomic particles the way that society is made up of people or ecosystems are made up of animals. All of those are systems that are only real because a bunch of things are following the rules. We even think that's true already, and I've read at least one pop science article that says that we might be able to change the laws of physics. What I haven't seen anyone grapple with, at least on a scientific level, is the idea that our world might not be real in the way that we psychologically need it to be. When not even physics is external, objective, and unchangeable, what do you have left?
Monday, September 2, 2024
The World of Tomorrow
A river someone diverted
Away from my home.
I travel through space,
A land of forever
With no place for me to live.
I travel through history
Where my name's been erased,
And I can't help but shout,
"Who did this to me?"
In Reality there's a place
For every lost soul,
For every human
Without a name.
In our Universe time
Should move past us all,
Not be concentrated
Around only a few.
In a world built
On injustice and lies,
I refuse to be forgotten,
Refuse to be undone
By the world of tomorrow.
I fly through the skies
Of the worlds yet unborn,
Through metaphors unwritten
And stories untold.
I climb the structures
Of races long lost,
Of a place that history
No longer cares about.
I leap through the continuum
That keeps us together,
Through the laws that bind us
And keep us whole,
And I can't help but ask,
"Why do you not know my name?"
In Reality there's a place
For every lost soul,
For every human without a name.
It is said that history
Will one day be erased
No matter how great we are.
In a world built
On injustice and lies,
I refuse to be forgotten,
Refuse to be undone
By the ending
Of all that I know.
I stand before the world of my creation,
Looking at a husk
Nobody knows the name of.
I watch as people
Go about their lives,
No longer remembering
That they died long ago.
I see the outside
Creeping in,
Consuming us,
Turning us from a husk
Into the dirt upon which it will grow.
Is this all that I am?
Something to be consumed?
Someone to be destroyed?
I refuse to believe that.
In reality there's a place
For every lost soul,
For every human without at name.
I won't let my life end
With the world that birthed me,
The world that never cared
To remember my name.
If our future is built
On injustice and lies,
Then I refuse to be forgotten.
I refuse to be undone
By this new world,
The world of tomorrow.
Sunday, September 1, 2024
I'm worried about our world. We're not quite at the point where keeping the status quo is the worst thing we could do, but we're getting close to that point. In my estimation, depending on who wins the next election we have maybe a year left, probably a lot less, and unless you're rich you're probably going to be one of the people changing history. Hell, if what I hear about Germany is true, soon you won't have a choice but to change history. I specifically didn't sign up to write history, but here I am, twenty-nine years old and watching as history writes itself in front of my eyes. No one is safe from the textbooks of tomorrow, assuming that tomorrow arrives. We're all being written, be it as a hero, villain, or bystander. I used to think that'd be cool, and part of me still thinks it will be cool when it's all over and we can talk about our experiences. Whatever the case, I don't think history will forget us, though when it's over, at least some of us will wish it did.
Saturday, August 31, 2024
Friday, August 30, 2024
Morality
Or that it knows the difference
Between right and wrong.
I only know what I believe is the right thing to do,
And as time goes by
It seems more important
To listen to my instincts
Than to let the world guide me.
Thursday, August 29, 2024
Wednesday, August 28, 2024
Changes
In my corner of the world,
Changes good and bad,
Things being moved around.
So much is happening,
And I don't know
Where I'm meant to go.
Tuesday, August 27, 2024
I keep flashing back to a decade ago, when I was just about to start my second year of college. It's strange to think that world doesn't really exist anymore. Or at least, I don't feel like it does. Whenever I go back to play games I remember playing at the time, it feels like I'm looking at a museum piece, a relic from a time when gaming wasn't as demanding as it is today. Not just the games, so many things are gone. Some are still here, but even the stuff that's still here feels different. I miss the feeling that I knew who I was. Somedays I look in the mirror and I feel like a stranger. So much of my pre-pandemic life is gone, and I don't know what to replace it with.
Monday, August 26, 2024
The Crossroads
Left,
Right,
Forward,
Backward?
Should I even be
On this road at all?
I came here looking
For better opportunities,
For a future I couldn't get back at home.
As time goes on,
I feel uneasy,
Should I even be here at all?
I don't miss home.
Home never welcomed me
And the people were jerks.
I miss the feeling of familiarity,
The feeling that I knew who I was
And where I stood.
I miss feeling like maybe
I might belong here one day.
I don't belong here,
I felt that as soon as I saw this place
So perhaps I didn't try hard enough.
I don't even remember coming here,
I just know that staying back home
Wasn't an option.
I don't want to go home,
I don't want to stay,
I'm not sure I want to go
Anywhere else.
Left,
Right,
Forward,
Backward?
Which way will take me
Sunday, August 25, 2024
I just looked up American Girl Flash Games on Bing, and to my surprise a lot of them have been archived online. I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Even if I don't play them that much anymore, they were a huge part of my childhood, and a version of the web that everyone my age really misses. Please, bring back a world where you could play bite sized games on almost any website, even if they weren't good. I miss when the internet was fun.
Saturday, August 24, 2024
Friday, August 23, 2024
Impulsiveness
From counting my chickens
Before they hatch?
I know I have good sense,
But that candy bar
Looks so tasty,
I must have it now.
Thursday, August 22, 2024
The one thing every American agrees on is that our world isn't as it should be, we just can't agree as to why. We can't even agree on what would be the best thing for us. All I know is that I pity most of the people I'm supposed to envy, and the people that I respect the most aren't anywhere near the top. I have opinions on who should go where, but how do I get people to listen to what I have to say without acquiring a ton of power first?
Wednesday, August 21, 2024
Royalty
Telling you how to avoid
Knocking down the walls
Of their palaces?
Or are they meant to be leaders,
Leading their country
To greatness and glory?
Tuesday, August 20, 2024
Whenever I look at Elon Musk, I get worried that I'm a bad person. Not because I've done any of the deranged things he's done, but because my one claim to goodness is that I haven't done any of the deranged things that he's done. I yell into the void much more than he does, but it's on a blog no one reads, and I didn't destroy a social media platform in order to do it. I'm not destroying any of my personal relationships for clout, but since I have next to no IRL relationships to destroy that means exactly nothing. Elon Musk has this weird power over me. I'm not as bad as he is, but I feel as though that makes me a bad person. I've always been the type of person to coast on the fact that I never do anything inherently wrong, so I must therefore not be hurting anyone. If I did do anything wrong, it's something so minor that no one would care about it. My problem is that Elon Musk is so destructive, so dangerous, so downright cruel that not being him isn't enough. You need to be the kind of person who could never become Elon Musk no matter what the world is doing to you. I can't say that about myself. I understand him too well to be able to say that. Looking at Elon Musk, I worry that one day someone will tell me that I'm just as bad as he is, and the rest of the world will agree.
Monday, August 19, 2024
Just a Few More Days
Not in a blaze of glory
Or in a whimper,
But in an instant
When no one is watching.
On that day,
I'll be alone,
But until that day
I'll be working tirelessly
To make sure the sun
Rises
For just a few more days.
I fight,
I push,
I scream.
In the end,
I give into the inevitable,
But I won't give in
Until the moment
I no longer believe
This world is real.
Exist
For as long as I believe
It is there.
Until then I'll pray
For the sun to shine once more.
Until then I'll keep watch
Over the stary sky.
I'll never give up,
For it's just a few more days
Until a new day dawns
Once more.
Sunday, August 18, 2024
Saturday, August 17, 2024
One thing I didn't expect when I started blogging was that I would eventually become jealous of people more successful than I am. In hindsight, that was a stupid thing to think, and I'm paying the price for not having prepared for this eventuality. I've been doing a lot of arguing with the voices in my head over this, and I'm finding that it helps to remember that I'm not someone doing this for fame or to ride some imaginary algorithm. I'm doing this because I want to do it, and I want the freedom to say what I want to say. Anything else would represent a change so strong it would send ripples through the world. After all, influence always goes both ways, and if the world is changing me, that means that it must be changed in turn.