I ran out of mini-poems a while ago, and have just been writing them as need be. In light of yesterday, I think that I want to pivot, at least for a little bit. Everyone has that one thing about the world they wish they could change, and mine is that I want us to find something that we can believe in. Something that works with science, society, and what we now know about our world. Something that will protect us from nihilism and our inherent fear of death. I have Infinitelism, which works for me because I created it around myself and my issues. I think we need something a bit different for the rest of humanity. Something a bit more optimistic. 

Election Ramblings

    Well, it's election day. For what it's worth, if you're going to vote, vote for Kamala Harris. I've already cast my ballot, and it bears a not insubstantial resemblance to my standardized test papers back when I was in school. There's probably a whole essay on how most students have felt more stress around test days than adults do on national elections, but I'm pretty sure most of us know what it would consist of. Looking back, I'm a little stunned at how black and white our school system is. We're at a point where there is no right answer, only a "best" answer that is very much open to interpretation. Did no one stop and think that maybe a system built on filling in the right bubbles was very much not the way to teach people to appreciate just how hard it is to make choices in the real world? I don't think there was a way to prepare us for this, because if there had been a way to stop this, we'd have done it by now. But like every single person in the United States at this moment, I think that we could have done better. 

      I could stop there, but I feel like I have more to stay. First off, on a gut level I don't feel like this choice matters nearly as much as people say it does. One person will upend the status quo, one will maintain it. That's the fact we're focusing on. What most people have been ignoring is that the status quo sucks ass, and the only platform the Dems have to run on is the belief that not having the status quo will be worse. That was true in 2020, it's a lot less true now, and I think it's reasonable to say that even if Harris wins today, it'll stop being true before 2028. Who are we going to vote for when that happens? I can't read everyone's mind, but I think I speak for most of us when I say that when we go to the polls, we vote not for politicians but for some nebulously defined sense of morality that was instilled in us during our child and teen years. That morality has increasingly come into tension with the reality we live in. First it stopped being okay to vote for Republicans, then for the center, now it's almost wrong to vote at all. There's the barest sliver of justification to believe in our system, and I think it's a lot smaller than people make it out to be. What with our need to avoid seeing the nature of reality. 

      Beneath all of this talk about who you should vote for and why, there's this weird conflict I keep seeing but can't fully articulate, even to myself. If I had to describe it, I'd say it's a conflict over what, if anything, the fascists are right about. There's this agreement that overall, they're evil and bad, but I feel like a lot of people, especially white people, have something they agree with the fascists on. In my case, I can't help but feel like the government should be the one fixing things, not us. I know that most fascists argue in favor of states rights, but if they actually believed that than they wouldn't have voted for Trump. No matter how many times I'm proven wrong, I keep thinking that those in power should be able to do the things we need them to do without us either forcing them to do it or just doing it ourselves. But not only will they not do the things we need them to do, they punish us for trying to do more in their stead. I know that Infinitelism isn't mainstream, but I think that everyone has to know that if people see that their government is failing them, they won't believe in it anymore, and even George Lucas was smart enough to know that Democracy only works if people believe that it will work. People keep proposing solutions to our problems, but I don't think there's any solution for stupidity at the top level, especially when there's no one on the ballot exempt from this. I know that real solutions are difficult, but I don't think it should be this hard to convince our leaders that we need them more than they need to win the election. Except that if they don't win, then worse people will win. In short, we're doomed, and nothing will meaningfully change so we may as well just give up. 

     I'm going to speak as an Infinitelist and say that now is the time for us to get pissed. Not only are we never going to convince our leaders that things are dire, we aren't allowed to convince ourselves of this anymore, because looking at how bad things have gotten would mean admitting there's no reason to believe we can fix them anymore. I have no idea who, ultimately, is at fault for this, but no matter who it was that got us here, it's now up to us to get the hell out. It's now up to us to admit that we need a new reality, one where we can depend on things staying real and where keeping the laws of physics from collapsing doesn't require openly manifesting. Things are going to get bad, because the only path forward is for all of us to pick the thing that we believe in the most and then chase that thing without looking at anyone or anything else. Match the fascists with our own brand of insanity, one devoted to proving the worth of people who don't fit into the mainstream. Our work won't end until even those who live comfortably are fighting with all they have for the things that they believe in. Until the day everyone knows about Infinitelism and the direction upon which our future lies, I will not rest. I expect all of you to advocate for your own beliefs with equal fervor. 

Survival of the Fittest

 "Every man for himself."

That's what they'll say
When they look back on this moment.
No certainty or belief,
Only a sense of desperation.
"Every man for himself",
An archaic term
From a time long gone,
Words that deny the validity 
Of half of the human race. 
What better words could be said
Of a moment 
Such as this? 

Right and wrong,
Good and bad,
There has to be an answer
That won't kill us in our sleep.
There have to be words
That won't bring forth nature
In the worst form it takes.
No love,
No community,
Only survival of the fittest,
The ones who were chosen,

They will say,
To carry on the human race.

"Every man for himself."
That's how the fascists talk
When they get on their platforms
Of cruelty and greed.
"Every man should help himself
To the spoils of war."
No thought for the needy,
No love for the destitute, 
Only a desire
For destruction
And chaos.

They sound so certain.
They speak as though 
They know something we don't.
Is it any wonder
That we've turned out to be
Just like them?

"Every man for himself.
Let our world be turned over
To the will of nature
And the needs of the many over the few."

The few will rule over us.
It is they who will decide
Who lives and who dies. 
Nobody but them thinks
That they should be in charge.
Nobody thinks this is fair. 

"Every man for himself."
They say,
"Except us.
Don't abandon us
In our hour of need. 
Without you,
We'd die.
We need you.
Please don't leave us
To suffer our fate.
Please don't let the chaos
Of the Infinite
Devour us whole." 

    You know what I want out of this election? I want a world of people who are committed to making sure that next time, people aren't on the verge of tears because they're doing the right thing. No one should be breaking down because they're doing their democratic duty, and no one should feel like they should abstain because both options feel awful. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm fighting for a world where people can vote for either candidate, without looking like a disgrace or feeling like total crap. 

     I don't remember the exact moment I became something I might call an Infinitelist. I think that it was some time around mid-2014 when I started building this philosophy, and it solidified in about 2018. I'm looking at our world through the eyes of an Infinitelist, and all I see is a world with no boundaries where basically anything goes. Instead of rule of law, the Fascists gave us anarchy. People ask for unity out loud, but what they want is to know that they are saying and doing the thing that keeps the world real. They want certainty, objectivity, and to know that the truth won't change from today to tomorrow. They want a world that they believe in. I'm extremely biased, but I can't help but think that it'll take more than politics to lead us out of this mess. What we need is a new and different religion. 

The Souls of Our World

 I pray to the souls
Of the past, present, and future;
Please let our world last
One more day. 
Please come to us
In our hour of need,
And guide us to where we should go. 

    When I think of this next election all I can think is, "We shouldn't vote Trump," That goes without saying. But I look at the people telling me to overlook the genocide in Gaza, because Trump would be orders of magnitude worse, and I can't help but think, "That may be true, but if our society is so broken that our government can't stop a genocide in a country that relies on us for money, do we have a chance?" I feel like we're in denial of just how bad the situation has gotten, and I don't like that nobody seems to have noticed this yet. Don't get me wrong, I wish I could vote for Kamala Harris. It would make things so much better if on November sixth I could look back and say, "Well at least I tried." But we're at a point where the world could end and I could die if I don't vote for her. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that feels a little fascist to me. 

Good Vs. Evil

 Am I wrong in thinking
That our narratives are overly simplistic
On purpose?

Am I wrong in thinking
That this isn't really a fight 
Between good and evil,
But a fight between reality
And the end of all we know?

Am I wrong in suspecting
That good will win only
Because we're terrified of death?

Am I wrong in thinking
That we'll wake up one morning
To find that this is all a lie? 

     I need to state this for the record; no matter who wins the next election, things won't be peaceful. I don't think the democrats have what it takes to keep the fascists from taking more ground, and I want to believe that if Trump was elected we'd push back. The truth is, the world as we know it will end on November fifth. Either we fight like hell to bring back the world we loved, or we watch it fade into the Infinite. There is no way that our government will save us now. 

The Vote

 What are we voting for?
Are we really sure that 
The forces who destroyed democracy will walk away quietly?
Or are we just pretending
That so long as we profess our belief
In democracy
Than the sun will rise tomorrow?

I'm one of millions who will abstain
Not because of politics
But for personal reasons.
Reasons such as being disillusioned with those
Who pretend that our flag 
Ever meant anything. 

I have my choice 
As to who I want in charge,
But my voice will never be heard. 
Will I regret my decision?
I truly don't know. 
What I do know
Is that it feels wrong not to make it. 

Vote if you can.
Abstain if you must.
Pray that our country 
Dies on its own terms. 
Pray that when it dies,
You'll be alive
And strong enough to see the future. 

     This election cycle has gotten me thinking about what I want from our political system and why. Mostly I just want a world where when it becomes clear that nobody buys the mainstream narrative anymore, we have a plan of action in place to create something different. I want a more competent brand of evil, basically. As far as I can tell, all of the people in power who aren't in an elected position dream of power for the same reasons I do and are using the same tactics as I do to get it. Am I wrong in thinking that when you have control over millions of people, your tactics should be more sophisticated than a dreamer with no power over anyone? I've decided that if I can't honestly say that I'm jealous of you, you don't deserve to be above me. There's shockingly few people in power who can clear that very low bar. 

Political Rant

     I can't believe that the Washington Post isn't endorsing anyone. I know that I'm not voting, and I've talked about that a lot, but I don't think I have the same impact as the Washington Post would have. Also, pretty much everyone agrees this was just because they don't want to suffer any backlash for endorsing Kamala Harris if Trump wins. Except that no one wants him to win. I hate the concept of being stuck in a country where a party always wins because the other option is to accept the existence of the Infinite. I reject that future on principle.

    My feeling is that if you're not willing to do anything to protect people from the Infinite because you expect the people to do most of the work for you, you're not worth my time. Only it's not just the government that's not doing anything to protect people from the Infinite. Even a lot of the people going to bat against Trump are only doing that because they're terrified of him winning. But I didn't see the Democrats do a whole lot to protect us. 

     I'm a Leftist. I've seen people fight fascism ever since Trump was elected. People have been fighting this for years, begging for people to see the truth and do more. When the rest of the establishment finally realizes that we crossed the point of no return years ago, it'll be too little too late. 

Butterfinger

A sweet treat for all
Made with layers of peanuts
And contempt for good. 

      Something that's really starting to bother me is that the people trying to convince me not to vote for Trump don't seem to be doing anything to convince me to vote. My problem is that from where I'm sitting, I'm voting in either a candidate who supports an ongoing genocide and one who supports the downfall of American democracy, and the only reason to vote for the genocide candidate is to put off the fall of democracy for two years if we're lucky. That feels like an obvious issue that should be addressed by someone, but no one's talking about what you should do if you, like me, feel like you're being told to compromise your moral compass for little to no long term benefit. At some point I have to ask; if we can't save democracy, than why do we keep dragging the point out? 

Mole Day

An important day for chemistry nerds,

But not for anyone else.

Celebrating something 

No one cares about,

In a way that doesn't make sense.

Many people with hobbies understand

Why you'd celebrate 

The number of atoms

In twelve grams of carbon,

But for the rest,

It's better to stick to Christmas. 

    Two weeks until the Election. Dear God. 

The Center of America

 America is Good.
That's the first lesson I learned 
About patriotism.
America is Good.
Don't question it,
Don't think too closely,
Don't be afraid to call out its flaws,
But always remember
That America is Good.

Make America Great Again.
That's the first time I remember 
A politician outright saying
That we weren't a great country. 
It was a clear farce.
Going back to a past
Of oppression 
And entrapment
Wouldn't fix anything. 
Besides,
America might have problems
But at its center
It was still America.
How could it go wrong? 

But then the bad guys won,
And everything changed. 
It's been four years since I voted
To bring America
Back to life. 
We all did. 
Only to find out that evil
Doesn't like to lay down and die.

Ever since then,
It's been one good party
And one bad party.
That's the one truth that everyone agrees on,
Even if they don't agree on who the good guys are. 

America is Good.
That's the first lesson I learned
About patriotism.
Trust the plan. 
Believe in Democracy.
Don't be afraid to speak your mind. 
But one party now supports genocide,
While the other is a monster in every way. 

There is a line between Good and Evil,
And somewhere between my childhood and now
We've crossed the line into Evil. 
The Center of America
Is now a wasteland 
Governed by a mafia. 
Were we ever good?
Was there any potential for greatness,
Or was it all a lie? 

How does one turn America
Into a place we can believe in once more? 

     I could be wrong, but I feel as if change is on the horizon. After today, nothing will ever be what it was ever again. 

    Every time I go to Zoo Lights, I'm struck by how boring it is. It is boring to an adult, one who's seen many better and more interesting things online. Yet, in a way, it's become a treasured experience because it's so boring. I know every animal they show, all the paths you can go down. It's something that's stayed real during and after the pandemic, unaltered by the flow of history. It's not beautiful, but I can't seem to let it go. I don't always go, but some years I know that if we don't make it in time, I'll be bitterly disappointed. 

Old Sayings

 They say that the more things change
The more they stay the same.
Sometimes I wonder
If the reverse is also true. 
Words that mean anything,
Taken as gospel,
But in the end only matter in context.

There are things said so often
That we take them as truth;
The grass is always greener,
The sun will always come out,
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Woven into our culture
Sayings are pervasive,
Yet we don't even know if they're true until it's too late. 

     I got my test results back yesterday, and I don't have celiac disease. Yet, anyways. 

Hope

 Sometimes hope 
Is a phone in a bag of rice,
Waiting to be turned on.
Sometimes hope
Is a box of cookies
Waiting to be eaten.
Sometimes hope
Is nothing more than a promise that
Good or bad
Life will go on. 

     This is pretty much a placeholder because I just got tested for celiac disease, and as of the time of writing I don't have the results back. I don't know if I'll get them by today or tomorrow, but I'll update as soon as I can. 

The Primordial Scream

 Everything is getting smaller.
Every day that passes
The size of the space 
That I'm allowed to occupy 
Is less and less. 
I can't take it anymore. 
I need to scream.
I need to let my voice be heard
Across the Universe.
I need to invoke the scream 
Of the ancients
When they realized the Gods
Could not see them. 

     Am I wrong for wishing that more people knew about Infinitelism? I don't want to start a cult, and I don't want this to be just another money making self help scheme. I want this to be something that does genuine good for the world. Unfortunately, no one's done any studies about how to run an ethical religion. You're just supposed to magically know what not to do. 

     I've already said that I'm not going to vote, and I stand by that, but the state of America pre-election still has me deeply concerned. The Democrats, and the press, are repeating the same mistakes that got Trump elected in 2016, despite the fact that everyone agrees that he shouldn't be allowed to get a second term. Maybe this just feels obvious to me, since I'm an Infinitelist, but if you can't stop yourself from doing things that reveal just how much the country is a figment of our collective imagination, than you shouldn't be in charge at all. 

Live and Let live

 "Don't worry about life changing
Or things getting worse,
Just live and let live!"
That's what the voices
In the Infinite keep telling me,
How do I tell them
That I'm not going to do that?
 I'm not going to live
In a world where I'm not heard.

    I think that for my first novel, I'm going to make it a sort of fantasy story that has a lot of real world medical conditions. If fantasy can have a twelve month calendar, it can have disability in it as well. 

Obscurity

 For as long as I've been alive,
People have chosen to hide me
From their mind's eye,
Dare I choose the path
That will force them to see me
As I actually am? 

      As of yesterday, it's been one year since Hamas attacked Israel and Netanyahu cemented himself as the most demented asshole on the planet. It takes moxie to take what should be a big show of your enemies immorality and instead use it as a demonstration of how right they were to hate your ass. I wouldn't be stunned if the reason our government hasn't turned its back on Israel is because they know that if they do, Israel isn't likely to survive. A reasonable position, if one chooses to forget that they could have told Israel to stop much sooner and then this wouldn't have happened. 

The Sea of Stars

 There's nothing like it.
Standing on a pillar of stillness
In an endless sea of starlight. 
No color,
No gradient,
Nothing but black and white.
All human sensation suspended
To sense the power of the unknown.
This is the place where our souls live.

I can still remember the first time I saw this place.
I was young,
A child,
Old enough to have opinions and some independence,
Not quite old enough to be on my own. 
I was alone,
But I wasn't afraid.
For the first time in my life
I felt like me world made sense. 

I'm not alone anymore.
All around me I see children,
The same age I was when I first saw this place.
I felt like I knew everything, 
But they don't look much older than toddlers to me.
Ah well,
They'll grow up,
Stronger, smarter, and nicer
Then I. 
But I know for a fact they'll never lose the sense of awe 
That comes when you see this place. 
I know this
Because even now
I look at the sea of stars
And I feel as though I see everything that is,
Was,
And will be. 

     If I win the lottery, I'm going to buy a house purely for the purposes of filling it up with the ugliest furniture I can find. I've lived my entire life in a house built in part to impress people, so I want to get away from that, and I've also found that I really like things most people think aren't attractive. God I wish that I could start now. 

    I'm a firm believer in morality, and I have a very strong belief in right and wrong. It's just a belief, though. I'm not sure the Universe distinguishes, and I sometimes feel like we only got as far as we did because someone made what should have been a mistake. 

Homemade

 If you're amazing
You can make something better
Than any store in the world.
But for most of us
It's enough of a win
To not set the oven on fire. 

   It's fall. Before too much longer, it'll be Halloween. Amazing how quickly the year flies by.

More of the Same

 I look at our leaders
And feel nothing but loathing.
How much longer must I put up
With more of the same? 

    I can't help but think about how the web's become disconnected from itself in light of the loss of Twitter. Sure, some people are still there, but unless you're deep in the world of fascism there's no good reason to stay there. I feel like there are many essays that could be written about how Elon Musk is erasing all identity other than himself, and how social media in general has from the beginning been a vehicle in erasing already marginalized groups. I also feel like most people are at least somewhat aware of this. Strange how evil always feels familiar while marginalized groups, who are there all the time, often seem strange and unnatural. Maybe one day we'll know so much about one another that we won't feel strange, and we won't feel like we can't talk to one another without someone getting hurt. 

Deadline

Procrastination 

Is a killer of all things great. 

The Democrats thought 

They had enough time to win.

The opponent was a man no one loved

And an ideology no one believed in. 

The Election was a year away.

What they did wouldn't come back to bite them.

Unanswered questions

Would fade into the void. 

But we didn't forget.

We didn't want to forget.

We didn't want to stay stuck

Between a rock 

And a hard place. 

Now,

As they did in college,

The Democrats are staying up all night

Coming up with excuses 

To earn a passing grade. 

They don't need to be the best,

They just need to be good enough

To cross the line into the elected elite. 

They don't know what they want from there.

They don't know what they hope to accomplish.

The Republicans won't back down, 

The people will still be deeply unhappy. 

There will be no celebration,

Only resignation.

If the Democrats win,

They'll have no one but themselves to blame. 

     I wonder how much longer it will be before someone other than me notices that not only are there no good answers, there aren't any right answers either. If I vote for Donald Trump, I'm wrong. If I vote for Kamala Harris I'm wrong, but maybe less wrong than I would be otherwise. It I don't vote at all, I'm betting my future on people having more sense than me. Those are my only choices, and all of them lead to damnation. I'm expected to accept this reality, to admit that all I can do is minimize the damage. But I can't. I can't accept a world where I'm powerless and can't believe in anything. I can't accept a world where the physics were laid out in just such a way that I can't live by my own terms anymore. No one can. We don't believe in this world anymore. We're only pretending that we do because of the one true fear that everything in the Universe feels. Inside all of us is a silent voice saying that if we don't go to the polls on November 5th, we'll be responsible for the loss of everything we've ever believed in. So what's left then? Are we doomed to be forgotten? Are we doomed to be erased? Are we doomed to awaken from our eternal dream? Is it possible that we can face reality and reject it? Can we turn from this doomed path to one where we aren't just pretending to believe in democracy, but following its principles every day of our lives? 

     This world wants me to believe that it owns me mind, body, and soul. It wants me to submit to existing only according to its belief of who I am and what I want. It want's me to be nothing more than a thing that it can shove around as needed. I spent my entire life fighting to be a person free of its demands, and by pure luck I'm now in a position where I can exist on my own terms. I'm not going to sit back and watch as everyone around me loses their ability to live as they choose. I am a human being. One with enough self awareness to know that the only thing I know exists is the world that I experience, no matter how much science, and everyone else, seems to contradict it. There will come a time when history proves me wrong in every respect, but I take comfort in knowing that I won't be alive to see it. I am an Infinitelist. My world is only real so long as I believe it exists. 

Dress-up

 Everywhere I look
I see people in costume
Pretending to be royalty.
When did we start taking this seriously?
I thought this was meant to be fun. 

   If I had any kind of pull, I would get this article seen by everyone in the world. I'm sick and tired of living in a country that's supporting not only genocide, but an outright fascist. Isn't the whole point of the Democratic party that it's the option for the non-fascists? Because it sure as hell doesn't look like they care about fascism any more than the republican party did in 2008. We, the people, stand with Palestine, not Israel. We'll never stand with Israel again no matter how hard you try to make us stand with them. If what I've heard is true, the Israelites are entirely on board with this genocide. They want Palestine to fall and Palestinians to suffer for the crime of not being Jewish. Now, they're invading Lebanon for no goddamn reason, and you bet your ass the people in charge will move right on ahead with sending all of the money and arms they could want, and we'll have to watch as more people are killed for no reason. Why do the Democrats keep insisting that they're the good party. There is no good party in congress anymore. 

Manifestation

 When I want something I have no way of getting on my own,
I beg,
I cajole,
I scream,
I make sure the Universe knows
That I want it without question.
I don't feel guilty,
Since I'm not very powerful,
But why do our leaders do the same thing?
Shouldn't they be capable 
Of showing me
The error of my ways? 

     Sometimes I wonder if the fascists of the world realize that they're miserable. They want a world built on only their viewpoints, an idea that looks wonderful in you're mind but is horrible to live in. I would know, I've lived life as apart from the world as possible because I didn't trust people not to hurt me. But you know what happens? You wind up feeling so lonely and powerless that you become deeply delusional. I was lucky. I managed to pull myself out of it. Building a world with other people is hard, sometimes impossible, but there are more ways of doing it now than there ever have been. Remember, influence always goes both ways, and in a world where a single sentence on Twitter can change people's lives forever, it's easier to influence and be influenced than it ever has been. 

Safe Haven

 All I want is money.
All I want is time.
All I want is to know
That tomorrow
Won't be as bad as today.
All I want is to be safe
From the terrors
Of the world that was,
A zombie searching
For those too weak to run. 

Everyone is running 
For a safe haven,
A place free of poverty,
Death,
And uncertainty.
Everyone hopes for the day
That tomorrow will finally arrive. 
Everyone wants a future
In which they're important
Even if we choose not to remember them.

I wish I could find 
A city
With an aura of gold.
I wish I could live in a world
Where politics didn't matter.
I wish I could live in a world where everyone is jealous,
Because everyone could always have more. 

     You ever have those moments when you just realize that the world is really fucked up? Not in a new or interesting way, but in an old way, it just took you a really long time to see it for yourself? I've been having those moments a lot lately. 

     I feel like way too much of our world is beloved only because it was already popular. So much time goes towards making things popular because in our world if it isn't popular, people won't care about it. Because so much is turned into "popularity" that keeping up with the status quo is more than a full time job. Call me old fashioned, but I think the decisions of what is and isn't important should be left up to us, and corporations shouldn't be encouraging us to shame one another for not staying on top of what's trendy. Let the world grow naturally, and trust that success will come eventually. 

Longing for the Past

 I can’t tell if what I feel is nostalgia
Or bitterness.
This longing for a past
That I never got to experience.
The magazines that I collected
And the stories that I wrote
Hold a special place on my shelf
And my heart,
But I don't remember why anymore.

     I can't figure out what I want our future to look like. I don't want the status quo to continue, but I'm not good at creating mundane realities. Whatever the future is, I want it to be different enough from today to feel real. 

A Single Thought

 Every revolution
Begins with a single thought,
A belief bubbling up
From within one's chest;
"I can do a better job than you." 

     I wonder if, in the future, you'll need to be rich to afford privacy. 

The Child

 The child plays
With a set of mismatched paints,
Strewn across paper
On a classroom easel. 
No rhyme,
No reason, 
No meaning beyond
What the child thinks
Is beautiful.
 
The teacher nods sagely.
The parents beam in approval.
The older sister groans
At the latest masterwork.
The cousin wonders how many more 
They'll make
Before they give up on art 
For good. 
 
The child cries,
Hungry for approval.
At the encouragement 
Of their parents
They soldier on.
New works are brought home,
New stories written with
No rhyme,
No reason,
Nothing but the hope
Of one day being seen. 
 
Authority holds out hope
That the child will give up, 
But the child has parents 
Who give them everything they want.
 If the child had any idea
Of what the world was like
Their work would be inspiring.
But instead it's derivative,
Boring,
Pointless. 
 
Time passes by
And the child soldiers on
In pursuit of praise.
Pen goes to paper,
Paint goes on canvas,
Work is created with
No rhyme,
No reason,
Nothing beyond
A bid for attention.
 
The world is unlucky,
And the child never grows up
No matter how much time passes.
Family connections mean their work goes
From the front of the refrigerator
To the front pages
Of social media. 
 No one likes what they make,
But the world is full of people
Who long to create
Without the risk of judgement. 
 
The child hasn't grown, 
Their work is the work
Of their younger self,
Without the benefit
Of wisdom.
The child,
In a bid for attention,
Builds a world a child cannot live in.
 
The child,
Like all children,
Believes that belief
Is all it takes
To make something real.
The child believes
That if enough people see their work
And tell them that it matters,
That means they must be 
A Picasso
Or a Van Gogh.
The child,
Like all children,
Doesn't want to grow up. 
 
Adults stand from afar,
Mocking the child
For their childish work,
And for learning nothing
About life
In the decades that 
They've been alive.
They're baffled
By those 
Who say that the child's
Work 
Is golden.
 
Somewhere out there,
Someone loves 
Everything the child
Says and does,
But to the rest
There's no rhyme,
No reason,
Nothing but a commentary 
On the folly 
Of the human race. 

    I've been reading through old American Girl magazines on Internet Archive. It's a nice bit of nostalgia, but a lot of them didn't age as well as I expected them to. 

   Am I the only one reflecting on how much has changed since 2014? It's strange, things were bad back then, but it felt so much more hopeful than things are now. We were out of the quagmire of the pandemic, there was a presidential candidate who spoke the language of socialism, we hadn't elected Trump yet, and it felt like things could get better if we just held on. I can't help but think back to the 2016 election, where Trump faced off against Hilary Clinton. I know people say that Kamala's going to win, but I'm honestly a little dubious. Hilary made a lot fewer mistakes, but she still lost. Kamala doesn't have enough insight to see just how important cutting of Israel is, and that's a much bigger deal than the Emails were. It's not people voting for Trump that I'm worried about, it's the people who are now convinced that both sides are too awful to vote for. What if enough people feel like they can't vote for anyone? What happens then? 

Collector

 You horde memories
In boxes,
Untouched by human hand.
The world keeps forgetting 
The things you collect,
But you hold onto the past
As though it were a priceless jewel.
Who else 
Would avoid drawing in magazines
Made to be disassembled?
Who else 
Would try to keep books
With outdated advice?
Who else remembers
The world that you do? 

      At the front of Fred Meyer, there’s a stand where you can buy jewelry for forty bucks a pop. No one in Fred Meyer believes that what they’re selling is worth forty bucks, but they believe that they can convince you to buy it for forty bucks, and the reason they believe that is they know that the people buying jewelry at Goodwill for three bucks want it to be worth forty bucks. 

     I grew up believing that anything you found for cheap, in one of those capsule machines at a grocery store or at the counter of a gift store, could be worth something if you wanted it to be. It didn't need to be worth anything to anyone else, it just had to mean something to you. I still think that, but I've started noticing that there are charms and necklaces being sold for a lot more than they're worth. I'm learning that a lot of what I thought made me unique is actually very common, including my belief that worthless things can be valuable if you like them enough. But I don't think that means we should charge forty dollars for jewelry that will only fetch three dollars at Goodwill. Just because something can be important doesn't mean that it will be. 

Forest

 Sky filters through trees
As summer gives way to fall
Bringing a new world

    I think that both of our presidential candidates have crossed a line. I know the democrats aren't fascist, but on a gut level it feels like they are, or at least that they're complicit with fascism. Would it be more moral to vote for Kamala next election instead of for no one at all? Probably, almost certainly, but my heart doesn't agree. It's not even about punishing, it's this voice in my head saying that a world where both choices are this bad should not exist. I don't believe in this world anymore, and the fact that people are insisting I participate regardless infuriates me. 

Trust

 I know someone hears me
Though I do not know who,
Are they good?
Are they evil?
Will they be led astray?
How do I let them know
Not to take me at my word?
I do not wish to mislead them,
I just don't know the whole story.

Everyone has an opinion,
Everyone knows
What they think on
The matter at hand.
Read between the lines,
Find the sources you trust,
All well and good
When you don't know the bias.

I don’t want to hurt people,
I don't to force someone
To be something 
They don't want to be,
But I can't stop people
From using me as an excuse.
All I can do is ask
That people take a step back
When reading my words.
I may be good at talking,
But I don't know everything,
However much I try to learn. 

     I hope that our future is full of people who use the fact that our world is subjective to make it a better place. I want people to see that even if we think that we're checked out, or that we can't do anything, we can do something to move the world in the way that we want it to go. Am I being overly optimistic? Yeah, but I believe in it regardless. 

     I could be wrong about this, but I'm beginning to think that capitalism deeply resents the ordinary. It wants us all to believe that not only can we be extraordinary, but that we should be extraordinary, at least as it defines the term. What that means is that we wind up copying everyone else, so that ordinary winds up looking weird and uncanny, while the freaks of the world wind up looking a little mundane. Capitalism doesn't want people to be loners, it wants people to believe that their lonely and unfulfilled. It doesn't want people to be different, it just wants people to believe that they already are. People who know who they are and are happy with their lives are the bane of capitalism's existence, because those people never want the things capitalism sells the hardest. 

Wishes

 Why am I wishing for things to get better and worse
At the same time?
Why do I want someone to tell me that I'll have it all
And that I'll be nothing
In the same breath?
I want a reason to mope,
But I want to believe 
That someday,
Somehow,
I'll win so big 
That I need never play 
This twisted game 
Again. 
I can't have it all.
So which one will I pick? 

     I have no clue if Infinitelism as a term will take hold, but I'm completely certain that the philosophy behind it, or something similar, will dominate if we don't go extinct first. My reasoning for this is that we currently believe in two types of worlds. The first kind is what most of us think of as religious; a world where everyone is working towards some nebulously defined goal or serving some nebulous being. They're falling out of fashion as people begin to realize that these beings can't exist and that the people they're following are humans like themselves. What's replacing them are what we think of as secular worlds; worlds that work towards peace and contentment for all of the members, with the idea being that at the center is a world where everyone's happy. The thing is, that world doesn't exist, and in fact it can never exist. We figured that out pretty early on, and the past few centuries have been centered around trying to convince people that there is such a thing as paradise on Earth only to then fail in spectacular fashion. That means that there's only one option left; find an ideology that most of us agree is reasonable and then work like hell to make it as real as we can. Regardless of if you're one of those people who believes in physics, that's the only way our world is going to go. We can't have paradise, and no one wants to live a world they can't change. Whether the people in charge like it or not, our future will belong to everyone. 

Cat Statue

 Frozen in time,
Staring out a window
Watching the prey fly by.
Cursed with eternal life,
Or blessed with the greatest gift
One could have. 
Looking into its eyes,
One has to wonder
What it would think
If it was alive. 

    I'm going to admit this publicly, because either I'm right and I'll be able to say that I called it or I'm wrong, in which case I'll have been worrying about nothing, but that's probably a good thing. I think we're rapidly approaching the moment when we learn that physics is no more real than society. I don't mean that in a "science is just a construct of the world around it" way (although I do think that's more true than we want to admit), I think that because I think that physics is made up of subatomic particles the way that society is made up of people or ecosystems are made up of animals. All of those are systems that are only real because a bunch of things are following the rules. We even think that's true already, and I've read at least one pop science article that says that we might be able to change the laws of physics. What I haven't seen anyone grapple with, at least on a scientific level, is the idea that our world might not be real in the way that we psychologically need it to be. When not even physics is external, objective, and unchangeable, what do you have left? 

The World of Tomorrow

 I swim through time,
A river someone diverted
Away from my home. 

I travel through space, 
A land of forever
With no place for me to live.

I travel through history
Where my name's been erased,
And I can't help but shout,
"Who did this to me?"

In Reality there's a place
For every lost soul,
For every human 
Without a name.
In our Universe time
Should move past us all,
Not be concentrated 
Around only a few. 
In a world built
On injustice and lies,
I refuse to be forgotten,
Refuse to be undone
By the world of tomorrow.

I fly through the skies
Of the worlds yet unborn,
Through metaphors unwritten
And stories untold.

I climb the structures
Of races long lost,
Of a place that history
No longer cares about.

I leap through the continuum
That keeps us together,
Through the laws that bind us
And keep us whole,
And I can't help but ask,
"Why do you not know my name?" 

In Reality there's a place
For every lost soul,
For every human without a name.
It is said that history
Will one day be erased
No matter how great we are.
In a world built 
On injustice and lies,
I refuse to be forgotten,
Refuse to be undone
By the ending 
Of all that I know. 

I stand before the world of my creation,
Looking at a husk
Nobody knows the name of.

I watch as people
Go about their lives,
No longer remembering
That they died long ago.

I see the outside
Creeping in,
Consuming us,
Turning us from a husk
Into the dirt upon which it will grow. 

Is this all that I am?
Something to be consumed?
Someone to be destroyed?
I refuse to believe that.

In reality there's a place
For every lost soul,
For every human without at name.
I won't let my life end
With the world that birthed me,
The world that never cared
To remember my name. 
If our future is built
On injustice and lies,
Then I refuse to be forgotten.
I refuse to be undone
By this new world,
The world of tomorrow. 

     I'm worried about our world. We're not quite at the point where keeping the status quo is the worst thing we could do, but we're getting close to that point. In my estimation, depending on who wins the next election we have maybe a year left, probably a lot less, and unless you're rich you're probably going to be one of the people changing history. Hell, if what I hear about Germany is true, soon you won't have a choice but to change history. I specifically didn't sign up to write history, but here I am, twenty-nine years old and watching as history writes itself in front of my eyes. No one is safe from the textbooks of tomorrow, assuming that tomorrow arrives. We're all being written, be it as a hero, villain, or bystander. I used to think that'd be cool, and part of me still thinks it will be cool when it's all over and we can talk about our experiences. Whatever the case, I don't think history will forget us, though when it's over, at least some of us will wish it did. 

     I think we can all agree that once you've passed the line into fascism, your relative morality doesn't matter anymore. So why do our politicians keep violating this very simple rule. 

Morality

 I can't confirm that society is real
Or that it knows the difference
Between right and wrong.
I only know what I believe is the right thing to do,
And as time goes by
It seems more important 
To listen to my instincts
Than to let the world guide me. 

     It's supposed to be a nice day today. As I'm writing this, I feel cold, so I hope it'll get a bit warmer. I shouldn't be wearing sweaters in August. 

Changes

 So much is happening
In my corner of the world,
Changes good and bad,
Things being moved around.
So much is happening,
And I don't know
Where I'm meant to go. 

    I keep flashing back to a decade ago, when I was just about to start my second year of college. It's strange to think that world doesn't really exist anymore. Or at least, I don't feel like it does. Whenever I go back to play games I remember playing at the time, it feels like I'm looking at a museum piece, a relic from a time when gaming wasn't as demanding as it is today. Not just the games, so many things are gone. Some are still here, but even the stuff that's still here feels different. I miss the feeling that I knew who I was. Somedays I look in the mirror and I feel like a stranger. So much of my pre-pandemic life is gone, and I don't know what to replace it with. 

The Crossroads

 Which way do I go?
Left,
Right,
Forward,
Backward?
Should I even be
On this road at all?

I came here looking 
For better opportunities,
For a future I couldn't get back at home.
As time goes on,
I feel uneasy,
Should I even be here at all?

I don't miss home.
Home never welcomed me
And the people were jerks.
I miss the feeling of familiarity,
The feeling that I knew who I was
And where I stood.
I miss feeling like maybe
I might belong here one day.

I don't belong here,
I felt that as soon as I saw this place
So perhaps I didn't try hard enough.
I don't even remember coming here,
I just know that staying back home
Wasn't an option.

I don't want to go home,
I don't want to stay,
I'm not sure I want to go 
Anywhere else.

So which way do I go?
Left,
Right,
Forward,
Backward?
Which way will take me

To where I want to be?

    I just looked up American Girl Flash Games on Bing, and to my surprise a lot of them have been archived online. I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Even if I don't play them that much anymore, they were a huge part of my childhood, and a version of the web that everyone my age really misses. Please, bring back a world where you could play bite sized games on almost any website, even if they weren't good. I miss when the internet was fun. 

    I fear the end times are upon us; I'm seeing ads on YouTube for things that I want to buy. 

Impulsiveness

 How do I stop myself
From counting my chickens
Before they hatch?
I know I have good sense,
But that candy bar
Looks so tasty,
I must have it now. 

     The one thing every American agrees on is that our world isn't as it should be, we just can't agree as to why. We can't even agree on what would be the best thing for us. All I know is that I pity most of the people I'm supposed to envy, and the people that I respect the most aren't anywhere near the top. I have opinions on who should go where, but how do I get people to listen to what I have to say without acquiring a ton of power first? 

Royalty

 Are royals meant to be guides
Telling you how to avoid
Knocking down the walls 
Of their palaces?
Or are they meant to be leaders,
Leading their country
To greatness and glory?

     Whenever I look at Elon Musk, I get worried that I'm a bad person. Not because I've done any of the deranged things he's done, but because my one claim to goodness is that I haven't done any of the deranged things that he's done. I yell into the void much more than he does, but it's on a blog no one reads, and I didn't destroy a social media platform in order to do it. I'm not destroying any of my personal relationships for clout, but since I have next to no IRL relationships to destroy that means exactly nothing. Elon Musk has this weird power over me. I'm not as bad as he is, but I feel as though that makes me a bad person. I've always been the type of person to coast on the fact that I never do anything inherently wrong, so I must therefore not be hurting anyone. If I did do anything wrong, it's something so minor that no one would care about it. My problem is that Elon Musk is so destructive, so dangerous, so downright cruel that not being him isn't enough. You need to be the kind of person who could never become Elon Musk no matter what the world is doing to you. I can't say that about myself. I understand him too well to be able to say that. Looking at Elon Musk, I worry that one day someone will tell me that I'm just as bad as he is, and the rest of the world will agree. 

Just a Few More Days

 Someday our world will end,
Not in a blaze of glory
Or in a whimper,
But in an instant
When no one is watching.
On that day,
I'll be alone,
But until that day
I'll be working tirelessly
To make sure the sun 
Rises 
For just a few more days.

I fight,
I push,
I scream.
In the end,
I give into the inevitable,
But I won't give in
Until the moment
I no longer believe
This world is real.

For this world will only 
Exist
For as long as I believe 
It is there.

Until then I'll pray
For the sun to shine once more.
Until then I'll keep watch
Over the stary sky.
I'll never give up,
For it's just a few more days
Until a new day dawns
Once more. 

    I feel as though our world was built to take power from us. We step outside and we stop belonging to ourselves, we become a part of the perceptions of every person we see on the streets. We have no control over the things people see, we can only try to influence their perceptions. I can't help but think that most of the world would be far more valuable to us if it was too expensive for us to experience. Everything about our lives is just expensive enough to be out of reach, but not expensive enough to have any value to people. Seems like a handy encapsulation of how the rich view us and the things that we make for them. 

    One thing I didn't expect when I started blogging was that I would eventually become jealous of people more successful than I am. In hindsight, that was a stupid thing to think, and I'm paying the price for not having prepared for this eventuality. I've been doing a lot of arguing with the voices in my head over this, and I'm finding that it helps to remember that I'm not someone doing this for fame or to ride some imaginary algorithm. I'm doing this because I want to do it, and I want the freedom to say what I want to say. Anything else would represent a change so strong it would send ripples through the world. After all, influence always goes both ways, and if the world is changing me, that means that it must be changed in turn. 

Exponents

 Using the power of exponents, 
I could climb my way to the top.
Going the other way, 
I could pull people to the bottom.
But how, pray tell,
Am I meant to find a stable position
Somewhere in the middle? 

     Like most people who prioritize themselves over everyone else, I don't have many friends. Unlike most people who prioritize themselves, I know why this is the case. Sometimes, though, I really wish that I wasn't like this and that I could make friends. I just wish I knew how to tell who was worth the time and who wasn't. 

Jealousy

 Is it the fact that you have more than I do, 
Or the fact that I want more
When I see you?
Is it that when I look at you 
I feel small?
Is it that I know 
I'll never be you?
What it is that's causing 
This feeling of anger
Ripping my insides apart? 

    One of the things I appreciate about approaching thirty is that no one expects me to be in the know anymore. I was never in the know to begin with, but now that I'm of the age range where that's appropriate I'm grateful to just be able to like what I want to like without feeling the probably nonexistent judgement of my peers. This does mean that I should probably work on shifting from being the person who refuses to be in the know on principle to someone who just doesn't care. The downside of getting older is that you suddenly have to live up to your stated principle of having no fucks to give anymore. 

Pity Poor Elon Musk

 Pity Poor Elon Musk,
For from the time he was born
To today
The world gave him all
That he could possibly want.

When he said he wanted to be a successful 
Business person,
The world gave him 
A clear road
Straight to the front door.
When he said that he wanted even more
Success,
The world asked no questions
And just gave him all he wanted
And more.
When he became the most successful
Person of all time,
The world never paused
And asked what he'd done to deserve it,
It simply asked
If he wanted more. 

Poor man,
Never held back 
By anyone
Or anything. 
The moment they saw him
The world hated his guts
And wished him dead,
But in its cruelty 
The world insisted that he be left alive
And untouched.
Wherever he went
He made more enemies than friends,
But the world never stopped him
Even as it destroyed his chances 
At getting
What most believe he really wants.

Wretched and pitiable,
His record of carnage
Is written in stone for all to see.
Immortalized in the language of hatred,
Deprived of a chance at redemption,
Refused a chance to win over anyone's trust.
Elon Musk stands alone
On a pillar of his own making,
Quaking in terror at the thought
That he might one day be pushed off. 

Pity poor Elon Musk,
For it is impossible to sympathize 
With someone incapable of creating something good,
And impossible to justify 
The decision of everyone
To let him stay in power. 
Pity a man
Who reminds us of a cruel world
That won't hold us back when we need it.
Pity him,
For any one of us could have been him,
And his fate is not one that I'd wish on anyone.

    It feels amazing to just get rid of some junk sometimes. Even if you're not making any forward progress and you know full well that you'll just replace it with new junk, sometimes moving on feels like a huge relief. All I have to do is clear out the rest of the junk in my bedroom, and I'll be ready to move to a home. 

     What do people think about watching old documentaries? I have a old series of documentaries from 1982 called Planet Earth. Not to be confused with BBCs Planet Earth, this is a series on geology. I inherited it from my grandfather when he passed away, I can't watch it because it's on tape, but I recently discovered that the whole series was uploaded to YouTube at some point. Now I'm wondering if it's worth the time to watch a documentary series that over forty years old. I don't think that geology has changed as much as biology, but I know that science can change rapidly. Still, I remember really liking the parts that I saw. I also think that old documentaries can be helpful for recording what people thought the world looked like at that point in time. I'll watch it then, and keep everyone updated on how well I think it's aged. 

Better

 I deserve better.
That's what the demon
Tempting me says.
I deserve better
Than what I have now.
I deserve better 
Than what I will get.
I deserve better 
Than what my heart thinks
That I actually want. 

    I'll be glad when the November Election is over, but I'm grateful that Kamala seems to know just how sensitive people are about supporting a candidate who overtly supports Israel.

An Unsettling Realization

 I keep assuring myself 
That we're in danger,
That the whole world depends
On the decisions that I make.
But then I remember
Something unsettling;
Do video game protagonists
Know how many times they've died? 
How do I know 
If I'm allowed to live
Only once? 

     Today's election day where I am, primaries for various state offices mostly. I'd talk about how much I want certain candidates to win, but nowadays I'm just grateful when someone I want to vote for shows up on the ballot at all. Everything feels so uncertain, and I keep wishing for that person who will take the world where I want it to go. They wouldn't win, but it would be nice to believe that in the future I could actually live in the country that I grew up in. I know, I'm not the only person who feels dissatisfied. If I was, we'd be voting for Joe Biden instead of Kamala Harris this November. I don't know what's going to happen, but by this point, so long as I can pretend everything will be alright, I don't think that it's worth complaining.

Show and Tell

 Tell me what you think is real.
Tell me what you think
Matters above all else.
Stand in front 
Of who you love most
And show us what
You think is real.
Show me what you think
Our world should be built around.
Show me what
We should remember
A thousand years from now.
Show me what 
Our world will see
Whenever it hears your name.
Show us what you know is real,
Tell us why you feel that way.
Tell me why you think
It matters
Above all else.
And show the world
So everyone will know
What reality is. 

    I'll never fully understand reality. No one will. That's a good thing, though. It means there's always more to discover, if we look for it, and new ways to build worlds when we find out the old one's don't work. I find the idea that our world is unknowable comforting. So long as I keep learning, there will always be something in this world to believe in. 

     My mother showed me The Atomic Café the other day, and it's kind of inspired me to watch some more movies about what would happen in the event of a nuclear war. I'm aware that global warming is a massive issue that our politicians are doing nothing about, but I didn't grasp how horrifying it would be to live in a world where your life depended on nobody pressing a certain button. Especially since global warming, with all of it's downsides, isn't so horrible that you consider yourself lucky to die in the initial attack. I wonder why people don't talk about the cold war all that much. I feel like it explains a lot about boomers. As someone not facing that fate (yet), there is something oddly calming about these films. We came way too close to disaster, but in the end we managed to convince our politicians not to act like total jackasses. Maybe there's hope for us yet. 

Waiting

 I'm waiting for the moment
That my old world ends
And my new life begins.
I'm waiting for the day
That I'll find where I belong.
I'm waiting for the day
That I can finally prove
That the world as I see it is real. 

    Is it just me, or did it feel like July went on for way too long? I know, we're all terrified of what November will bring and also desperate to get it over with. Look, I don't know if we're going to be able to handle another Trump term. Like everyone else, I'm hoping that Kamala will win. But one thing I've learned is that the worst thing you can do when disaster is on the horizon is to put of its arrival. Let it come, and then you can learn what you need to do in order to survive. As someone who's watched her life collapse a few times, trust me; even if we're facing extinction, we'll be much happier when we're not staring doom in the face every day. 

To be Wealthy

To think that I would need to leave wealth
To stand out as wealthy.
To leave greatness
To be great.
To leave those who have achieved true happiness
To appear happy to others.
Am I fooling anyone,
Or do they merely believe me to be a fool?

    If I ever became rich, I wouldn't know what to do with all of the money that I had. I'm used to just taking what I can get, looking for things a thrift stores, buying what's on sale, things like that. I'm not poor, I just don't have a lot of disposable income. Lately, though, I've been dreaming about what life would be like if I won the lottery, and I realized that if I could spend it I'm not sure what I'd spend it on. Buying things in a store where you can buy anything is just so much more overwhelming than trying to find treasure at a thrift store. It's not a big issue for me, but I feel like this is the reason so many people go bankrupt when they win the lottery; they don't know what they want to spend money on first. All they know is how to budget so that their needs get met. I don't have any great solutions for this, since it's not like anyone could claim that things like accessories or fancy clothes are necessities. I just think that dreams should be accessible to everyone, and that society and culture should be able to communicate with each other. Maybe instead of trying to monetize the ideas behind the metaverse, we should make them as available to people as possible so that everyone can find their identity. The money companies charge for cosmetics is kind of gross anyways. 

Reach for the Stars

 I don't need your permission 
To reach for the stars,
To fly high above
The world
As it is.
I don't need your permission
To be gifted 
And gorgeous.
I just need to leap
As high as I can.

I don't need your permission
To build the world
Of my dreams,
A world of awe
Where everything
Is but a wish away.
I don't need to ask anyone
What it takes
To have it all,
I just need to learn how to ask

I don't need your permission
To join other worlds,
Places near and far 
Filled with people like me.
I don't need to ask you
Why I didn't know they existed,
But I still wish that you'd told me
So I could have done this much sooner.

I didn't ask your permission
To reach for the stars,
A place high above
The world
As I knew it. 
I thought that you told me
This was place for the gifted,
Gorgeous,
Those too good to live
In the world down below.

Why does this world feel
So boring and plain?
Why do I feel less
Like I'm an outsider, 
And more like I fit in
In the worst way possible?
Why didn't you warn me 
About all of the questions
Not even you know the answer to?

I don't need your permission
To build the world of my dreams
A world so boring and plain
We must reach for the stars. 
I don't need your permission
To join with others who agree
This world beyond worlds
Is nothing but lies.
I don't need you to tell me
That while starlight is gorgeous,
We still need to come down to Earth
Sometimes.

I don't need to tell you
To reach for the stars,
A place beyond our reach
At this moment in time.
You don't need my permission to
Undo the world as you know it,
A place so boring and simple
We ought to be able 
To live in peace.
I hope one day you'll know
That starlight means nothing
Unless contrasted
Against a night sky. 

    I love those moments when everything feels right and you know that everyone sees the same thing that you're seeing. At least, you think they must be, because how would anyone miss the sense of peace that you now feel? 

    I've always been fascinated by irrationality. In logic puzzles we always use perfect logicians because they're behavior is predictable. It's the illogical that's hard to grasp. As I get older, I find myself pulled into a world of people who approach things more rationally and are more capable of making hard decisions than the world that I left behind. Or maybe I'm the one who grew up somehow. 

New Home

 I don’t know if I belong here,
Or if I'll ever 
Understand the people who do,
I just know there's a world of opportunities
That I knew nothing about.
Here in a new home
In a strange place. 

   I won't lie, the Blog has somewhat fallen by the wayside. I've just hit a point where I feel like I'm running out of ideas, or maybe just passion. There's a lot happening behind the scenes, and in the real world. I just don't know how I can get back to feeling like this matters again. 

New Poem

 It's Wednesday
A new poem is unlocked
Only a few hours before publication

    Well, Joe Biden isn't running for president anymore, and it looks as though Kamala Harris will be the presidential nominee instead. I say this as someone who's still not one hundred percent sure if she'll vote; I hope that Kamala wins. I don't want another four years with Trump, and while I'd be much happier knowing for sure that she'll do something about Israel, at this point I'll take not knowing that I'd be voting for someone who clearly doesn't care about the death of potentially millions of people. I'll still be watching her though. All of us will. And I hope Kamala keeps that in mind when she's sworn into office. 

The Enemy

 Stability.
Light.
Hope.
I see it in the city
I'm looking down on
As I soar through the world.
The world between worlds.
This place that's beyond
Human imagination.

The humans beneath me
Do not see me,
Do not comprehend me.
I am not above them,
I am beyond them,
Beyond anything they dream
Or understand. 

I reach out for their light.
Their hope.
The thing they ignore
Though they should cherish it deeply,
As all of my kind knows.
I do not hear it,
But my inner sight shows me
A human standing on a pedestal,
In front of every other human
On this planet.

"Attention everyone,
The enemy is upon us,
They are hunting us down
And killing us to a man.
Please run inside
And wait
For the ones 
That they fear
To dispatch with them."

Over and over again
I am killed,

With what I can only describe

As raw anger

Given physical form.

It no longer bothers me 
Anymore,
Though I used to feel pain.

They're strength and love

Surrounds them,

They believe that it protects them,
But those things mean nothing

To a being such as I.

I don't even know 
Why I'm seeking their light.
Some part of me knows
That it meant something once.
I want to know
What it means to be human,
To be unable to remember
The vortex of everything
As it crumbles and is reborn.

Pity the humans
Who fight my hand of fate.
They'll defeat me each time
But it's not me they should fear.
It's themselves.
It's the inevitable moment 
They reach out
Beyond the invisible barrier.
After all, 
I was one of them once.

     I'm looking at the candidates for the Washington Primary, and so far I'm immensely disappointed. The one socialist I found is Pro-Israel. How in hell he thinks he has a chance, I don't know. I'm pretty sure I'm not voting for anyone this time. I'm not proud of doing this, but I'm not pretending that either the Democrats or the Republicans have any interest in preserving our democracy in general or in keeping Autistic people safe in particular. 

Update: upon reading about the people running for governor, I'm happy to state that I've found someone that I want to vote for. Wish me luck!

My Problem With the Democratic Party

     Full disclosure: I'm not voting in the next election. I find it hard to believe that my vote will fix anything when both presidents have shown themselves to be pro-genocide. That said, I still think people should vote next election. I'm not voting because I have no better way of saying that no one in our government represents me or my interests. The people who aren't in that position should absolutely vote, because if they don't our world won't know how many people the system still represents. 

     That being said, a lot of people are in the same position that I'm in; historically oppressed groups who have been voting Democrat because it was the only way they had a chance of being heard. All we've been given in the past four years amounts to lip service at best, and since nothing's been done to curb the loss of human rights it's fair to say that we've suffered a net loss. What has the Democratic party done to combat this? Nothing. When you drive down Bellevue Streets, you see plenty of signs for Republicans, but not a single Democrat. Despite the fact that the Democrats reputation is in the toilet. It was under Biden's watch that a genocide happened and millions of Palestinians were displaced and killed. What did the Democrats do? They pushed through more funding to Israel. Whether they're desperate for campaign money or just extremely racist and evil, I don't know and I honestly don't care. 

     The fact of the matter is that Trump made the Democrats complacent. They won by such a large margin in 2020 that they're now convinced that they can't lose no matter how much they screw up. In doing so, they're leaving people with no choice but to see a world where Republicans will one day push down the barricade between our world and the Infinite because not only will the Democrats do nothing to stop them, they'll give them grenades if given enough campaign money. I have no idea what makes a Democracy healthy, but I simply refuse to believe that it's a world of people who are disillusioned, disempowered, and bitter with the whole charade. At this point we have two options; push for a system that will make our current system look as authoritarian as absolute monarchies do to us, or accept our fate and step forward into a world where we have no power at all. 

Cyber Trucks

 Nice to know that my town
Has multiple people
Wearing this badge of dishonor. 
Quite how a truck
That never finished loading
And has no utility
Sold to more than one person
I will never understand.

    I'm working on figuring out a way of helping people build their own Dreamworlds. I don't expect it to be accepted as a science, and I don't really want it to be one. I want a future where people can build their own fantasies as a way of helping them connect to reality, not as a way of replacing reality. Mostly, we just need a world where people can safely live in places other than what society thinks as reality. We're at a point where even reality is dangerous and unstable, and I'd like to think there are ways of fixing that, and I am to be the incredibly bad idea that gets people thinking about what could be possible going forward. 

Fred Meyer Haiku

 Walking through the store
On my way to the check out
My cart will not move

I went through the exit
And now the wheels are locked up
I am stuck in place

Why must you make it
So hard for me to purchase
What I need today

Do you not want my
Money or my love of your stock?
You will have neither. 

So long Fred Meyer
You were good while you were here,
May we meet in hell. 

     I'm just going to put this out there into the world; if you collect enough data about someone to know there's a pretty good chance they're not gender conforming, don't design your web algorithm to send them makeup ads aimed at women who are trying to look conventionally attractive. Even if they're interested, you're not going to win them over if you imply you only care about people who use makeup to conform. Seriously, it's 2024. How do you not know that not every woman wants to be beautiful and not everyone who's assigned female at birth wants to be a woman? 

An Artificial Ecosystem

 I walk down a road
Between clumps of trees
Planted by humans using plans made by machine.
It's beautiful,
One might almost think it's natural,
But nature did not plan out
The ecosystem we built.

Not quite a forest,
Not quite a swamp,
Plants grow here
That couldn't be imagined
A century ago.
The naysayers claim
This is abhorrent and wrong,
But they can't deny the sun that shines
So brightly now.

Walking through 
This artificial ecosystem,
Made with technology
That we used to shun.
I can't help but think 
That life's gotten better.

Sure, the cities are still here,
And the ecology of our planet will never be the same,
But the air is so clear,
And all around is the sound
Of insects and beast.

Yes, this is beautiful,
In a way old words can't describe.
Chaotic, and yet orderly.
Best of all, 
We now know that if things fall out of whack,
We can build them again,
Even better than they were. 

     I feel like I ought to say something about the attempted assassination on Trump, but I can't think of anything to say. At least, not anything to say that's really appropriate for the blog, or even anything that the general public really wants to hear. I know that I'm not the only person hoping that Trump dies before the next election, and I'm also not the only person who's aware that Trump dying wouldn't solve a lot of things. What I will say is that I was in no way invested in the outcome of this election, but now I'm curious to see who does what to whom. Everyone has a stake, we all have someone that we're rooting for, and our country is at a crossroads. It's anyone's game at this point, and I'm rooting for the left. Because when all is said and done, I don't just want to survive, I want to live.

     I'm trying to teach myself that I'm valid and that I matter. That's difficult since I'm Autistic and like most Autistic people, professionally or self-diagnosed, I tend to try and mask when I'm with people. I suck at masking, but it was still bad enough to come out of college with no sense of identity at all. I'm working on rebuilding it. It's why I'm so grateful for a blog that won't become famous. I know the world is waiting to meet me, but I don't want to go until I know that I'm ready. 

Myself

 I must believe
That I know myself
Better than anyone else.
I must believe
That when it comes to 
Myself, 
My actions are always correct.
I must believe,
For only I
Can protect myself
From the judgement I see
In other people's eyes. 

     There's a heatwave going on where I live. It's cooling off a bit, but it's still fairly warm. At least I'll be able to sleep. I hope. 

Climate Change

 I thought my world would last forever.
But as I sit in my room late at night,
The window open,
Hoping for a breeze,
I must concede that soon it'll be too hot
To stay where I live now. 

     I think that we're at a turning point. Everyone now has their own opinion of where we should go and what we should do. A person could, feasibly, look at who wants what and from that build a world that will be accepted, if not embraced, by everyone currently in the United States, barring a massive shift like a war or another pandemic. I don't think anyone in government is going to do this, but if you're like me, you believe that our Universe is in a quantum state where every possible outcome will be accepted regardless of belief, so a world where everyone believes in something is the beginning of a world where people will once again feel happy and safe. We're at that point now. We are looking at the beginning of the future, whatever that future is going to be. Look out, decide if it's what you want, and then push for what you don't think you can live without that isn't a part of our new world yet. I know it sounds crazy, but I think we might finally be on the upturn. 

Days of the Blessed

 When I was a child
I did not understand
Why only a few days
Were blessed.
I only knew that on those days
We had fun
Waiting to see
What the gods had given us.

Now I'm older
And wiser,
And I know our world 
Only stays real
When we believe that 
It exists.
But I don't know why
We're only allowed to believe
On the days of the blessed. 

I hear that for many
It's hard to believe
In what they can't see, 
For they can't see it
In their minds eye.
But on this day of the blessed,
Whoever chooses to celebrate,
I think we should remember
That the world is larger
Than what we are able to see. 

     It's weird having four digits worth of posts, in a good way. I realize that I'm using the blog as a replacement for Twitter, but I think we all need a replacement for Twitter. I just wish there was a better way to find people who share my opinions of the world. Ah well, I can't undo the past. I'm here now, and that's all that matters. 

    It's my one thousandth post, and on my birthday no less. I planned it this way, not going to lie. Today is a day of celebration, and I'm glad I've kept at it for as long as I have. 

Someone Else's Mistake

 I can't help but worry
That one day I'll die
Due to someone else's mistake.
I don't want to live knowing 
That the future is beyond my control,
And I don't like knowing 
That the person responsible
Probably won't even care. 

    Happy Independence Day! Maybe one day I'll say this in an America that's truly free and fair for everyone. 

Thank You

 Thank you for showing
 That the law no longer applies
To those at the top,
For now I have no reason
To follow any of your rules.

    In light of the Supreme court telling Donald Trump that he's free to do whatever he wants, I think we need to admit that as far as our government is concerned, reality doesn't exist anymore. We're free to see the world as whatever we want it to be. I see the world as a place where Trump lost in 2016 and this election is between Hilary Clinton's successor and a bitter man who won't admit that he can't win. Even if you aren't actively denying reality, that's pretty much the case.

The Lucky

 This room is full of wealth
And beauty.
Manmade, of course,
But that doesn't stop millions 
From coming to see it.
They say that just by touching
The cups and the cutlery,
You'll be blessed with a thousand lifetimes of luck

No one knows where this story came from,
But we still believe it anyway.
Dancing under chandeliers
And the watchful eyes of our ancestors,
We hope that they'll allow us to 
Join the ranks
Of the lucky. 

   It's the end of June, and we're one month closer to the next presidential election. I didn't watch the debate at all, I've just heard rumors that it was a shit show on all sides. I keep asking myself if I'm really prepared to deal with the fallout of another Trump term, since I doubt that fate will be kind enough to kill him in his sleep before we ever need to vote for him. Regardless, I've made piece with the fact that unless Biden does something that demonstrates unequivocally that he knows that America's hurting and he's willing to do whatever it takes to fix it, that's probably what will happen. I just can't stomach voting for a man responsible for guiding our country as it enables a genocide, and I know most people my age feel the same way. Even if that wasn't the case, I'm getting really sick of voting in elections where I have no meaningful choices because my views are fringe. What's the point of living in a democracy if I have no way to meaningfully express my beliefs? 

    Have you ever thought about why you live where you do? Have you ever thought about what it would take for you to leave and find something different, something far away from where you live now? My mother is retiring soon, and that means it's soon going to be too expensive to live in Bellevue, the town that I've lived in ever since I was five years old. It hurts. I can't remember feeling truly at home or accepted here, but it still hurts. Most of Bellevue is made for the rich, for people who seem to have it all from a distance, but within it were these pockets where people who had less could find other people who had less and build community with them. Within these places, Bellevue felt alive and real. The pandemic killed off those places. Now Bellevue is a place where either you have everything or you have nothing, and we're just barely managing to hang on. Even if we could stay, I'm not sure we'd want to, the bad always outweighed the good. Even now, though, I keep hoping that somehow Bellevue will embrace the part of itself it wants so badly to hide; the part where people without any money who were just trying to get by used to live. If it could do that, than maybe we would be able to stay. 

On Average

 If you took every person alive today,
Added them together
And divided by seven and a half billion,
Would we be,
On average, 
A decent person? 

The Nightmare Future of NFTs

     For whatever reason, I was compelled to watch Dan Olson's video "Line Goes Up" again recently. Well, the first part of it, at least. It got me thinking about how strange it is that NFTs kind of just disappeared after 2022. I'm perhaps more grateful that they're gone than anyone else but I worry that we're leaving the door open for history to be completely rewritten a few years down the line. There were just too many people who were insistent that they'd be worth something for me to be comfortable, and lets not forget that even near the end the thing NFTs were synonymous with was art. Bad art, at that. 

     The thing about art is that it's a symbol. Good artists make their symbols obvious without over explaining them, using pictures of flowers and trees to convey something about the deeper nature of humanity that an art novice might miss but an art expert will see instantly. Bad artists mess up in a hundred different ways, but they always leave the door open to reinterpretation in a way good art never can. You would think that the procedurally generated garbage that NFTs became would leave no room for meaning or interpretation, but that's not accounting those who either don't know what good art looks like, or they simply don't care. Not to mention the contrarians who will value things because the world thinks that they're ugly. Things that are common, boring, and meaningless have a power to them. They attract those who want to make something meaningful but don't have the skills to create something unique. They become the fodder of belief for those hungry for something that's safe for them to believe in. Do we really want NFTs to serve as the next generations idols? Are we really willing to risk the future where our children worship this tech as a god? 

    Let's also not forget that as more and more of the servers keeping the links the NFTs reference go bust, those that stay intact will become more and more valuable, leaving the door wide open for a future where people are convinced that NFTs were always the future and we just weren't ready to admit that yet. There are children primed to be lured in by a narrative that the tech that nearly ruined our world was a boon no one wanted to accept. They're not old enough to remember how dangerous NFTs really were. They'll hear nothing about those who were hurt, those who have been shamed into silence, they'll only hear about how stupid and ugly the pictures they represented were. If they're lucky, they'll get the narrative of how useless the tech was. They'll hear nothing about societal damage, of the people who believed with all their hearts that NFTs represented a new form of reality, especially with the advent of the metaverse, only to have their hopes, dreams, and sense of reality crushed once the whole system collapsed. They won't hear about those who clung on, both out of stubbornness and out of sincere desperation, a need to believe that everything would come out alright if they just waited long enough. To them, NFTs will be nothing more than a technological dead end at worst, a future that never came true at best. They won't know that there were some for whom NFTs marked the moment their world ended for good. 

    With AI seemingly taking the niche that NFTs once filled, I worry that we're being lulled into a sense of complacency. We're letting ourselves believe that the door to damnation is closed and that no one will dare risk opening it because we have a cultural immunity to that sort of tomfoolery. But as PT Barnum once famously said, "A sucker is born every minute," and we're leaving a world ripe for the exploitation of our future suckers. We've already watched our world end once, I don't want the future to face what we've had to face this past decade.

The Prisoner's Dilemma

 How do we cope
When we all want success,
But also want everyone else
To fail?
Do we learn how to share
What we have with each other?
Can we face that we're prisoners
All locked behind bars?
There are only two ways
For our problems to end:
Either we give selflessly
Or watch in horror
As our world is taken from us.

    Ah Summer, when one can look outside and see greenery under a blue sky. It's nice to see nature while it's still glorious. 

A New World

 One day soon,
We'll wake up and see
That we are who
We were always meant to be.

Alive.
In a future of our own making,
Away from the follies of the past.

One day we'll wake up and see
That we have a common dream;
To be able to look at one another
And say,
"I know you see what I see."

This new world has been forming
Since before we were born,
And it's been so long
We forgot it was there.

Now it comes forth,
And we await it 
With a joy unmatched by anything
Save the birth of our children.

For now we no longer need to wait
To be forgotten.
Now we can walk forward
And share a world 
That will last
For another eternity. 

     The world's changing. I read about it all the time. But it's weird to think about. It's also depressing. Worse, I don't even fully remember all the things that have changed. I just know that most of the stores I saw so often that I forgot about them are now closed, and nobody drives the cars that I'm used to seeing.

    I don't sympathize with the Alt-right, but I think I might be beginning to understand them. They're villains, but that's because that's all they can be in this world. They lack the virtue needed to be ordinary people doing ordinary work, and they lack the skills needed to be the extraordinary people they were told they'd be. They're easy to hate, and I hate them as much as anyone, but I also can't help but feel that they, like us, are trapped in a world they had no say in making. It may be that we can't save them, but who's to say that we can't try and make it so that their children won't fall to the evil consuming their parents.

Summer

 The weather is warm
Sunshine spilling over trees
Summer has arrived

    I have a lot of opinions, as you've no doubt noticed, but I'll be the first (and only, since nobody else cares) person to admit that my opinions come as a result of spending most of my life feeling like the world sucks in a vague, nondescript sort of way. Growing up, I had everything I could possibly need, but I never felt completely happy. I had difficulties, but then who doesn't? I just sort of got used to the idea that happiness came with caveats. After the pandemic, I started realizing that I didn't feel like it was right to live in a world where I could only hope to be eighty percent satisfied, but I'd been used to accepting less for so long that I had no idea what it would take to make me happy. I have the blog, and my writing practice, but I still feel like something's missing. Nothing integral, and I'm not sure I'd feel complete if I did have it, but something that would make me feel less like I'm wasting my time. Or maybe I just want more friends, I'm not entirely sure.