We Can Never Go Back

 I miss the world we can't pretend to have.
I miss the days when all we had to do
Was play at being friends and neighbors.
But I don't miss pretending I was happy.

I miss feeling like I might have a place
In a world that kept reminding me
That I was unwanted. 
I miss wishing for something
That was still possible.
But I don't miss trying to be something I'm not.

I miss knowing what my goals were supposed to be.
I miss pretending that one day,
Assuming I did everything right,
I could be rich, famous, loved by everyone in the world.
But I don't miss the endless anxiety and exhaustion.

I look back at the past with a longing I can't explain. 
I loved it, but it did not love me back.
I wish, so badly, that we had a world that could be anything
We wanted it to be.
Just like in the good old days.
But when I think about how lonely, sad, and angry I really was,
I remember that no matter how much I pretend 
That I want it,
We can never go back.