The Want of a Platform

    My goal for this Blog was always to be myself. I didn't want to become famous for being something I couldn't live up to in real life. If that meant that no one followed me, I was, and still am, okay with that. 

    One thing I keep coming back to is the question, "How famous do I want to be and what am I willing to do to get there?" Basically the problem is that I really want to make a living as a writer, and in order to do that I need to be famous. The problem is that up until late last year I'd never tried to draw attention to myself, both because the thought made me nervous and also because I've gotten the distinct impression over the years that I'm not the kind of person that people want to notice. So trying to get people to notice me just feels wrong. I don't even advertise on social media that much. 

    It doesn't help that there seem to be a lot of ways that I could become famous. Advertising, asking for shout-outs, building a platform on a seemingly infinite number of social media accounts, it's really overwhelming. 

    I think the thing that makes me want fame the least is the fact that I think once I get past a certain number of follower blogging won't be fun anymore. It doesn't matter if I set out to be authentic, I've been trained my entire life to put other peoples desires before my own and I hate disappointing people. There may someday be someone reading this thinking, "Why are you worried about being famous? You don't write like a person who wants fame more then anything and it's almost impossible to become famous unless you really want it." You would be right, hypothetical reader from the future. Alas, sensible arguments are rarely effective against a brain that's determined to be worried about everything. 

    For now, though, I'm glad that I can write for more then just gaining an audience. I do hope my audience, when I finally find one, likes me because I don't market myself much. It's not a matter of authenticity, no one can be authentic when squeezed through the internet pipeline no matter how badly they want to be. It's about being someone that nobody else is willing to be, and encouraging others to do the same. The best thing in the world would be a society in which nobody feels like they have to hide.