Musings

    I envy the narcissists of the world. They never question their self worth, no matter how many people tell them they're awful. I'm trying to believe that I'm a good person, but honestly I just don't think that I am. I realize that it isn't fair to judge yourself based on others, there are plenty of articles that say just that, but when all around you are people who can do so much more than you can with no effort at all, it's hard not to think, "What's wrong with me?"

    I envy normal people. They don't constantly ask themselves, "What am I doing wrong?" Every time their in a room with other people. I have trouble ordering coffee at Starbucks, let alone talking to other people. 

   I'll be honest, I just wanted to get that off of my chest. I know I should go to therapy, but I've never found therapy to be very helpful. They say that in order for therapy to work, you have to want to change. Change how, exactly? Work harder, do more, try to ignore the voice that says "You're worthless, and everyone knows it but you?" 

    I just wish I knew, with absolute certainty, that if I wanted to I could find a place among people. I don't like other people very much, but the human part of me wants so badly to meet someone like me. Someone who loves to learn about anything, but not enough to actually be good at anything, who thinks reality is overrated but feels that learning science is the best way to understand the world, who can't find a box they fit in no matter how hard they look. I want to live in a world where I know that if I chose to be myself, I'll still be OK, no matter what anyone else thinks.