The day after Christmas

     This post is going up the day after Christmas, but it’s being written about ten days in advance. It’s nice to live in a world where you can build up a buffer. 

     I confess, I can’t think of anything I want to write about in particular, but since this is going up in that no-man’s land where Christmas is over, but the new year hasn’t arrived yet, I figure this is as good a time as any to just ramble. 

     I have to say, I’m growing to like the fact that people can read what I’m writing. I kept it private for so long because I was afraid criticism would break me, but I’m coming to accept that, in all likelihood, nobody is going to care about what I have to say. I find that a little bit liberating actually. Though one of my goals is to mentally go from “I hope nobody reads this” to “I hope everybody reads this” about my normal posts. I do hope people read my poetry. I don’t know if it’s any good, I just know that it matters to me, and I think a lot of people would, if not find meaning, at least like what I have to say. 

    I do wish I could come up with more to say in my posts. I know I could stop posting but I’m a little worried that if I cut down on posting I’ll stop posting altogether. I figure that bad writing is acceptable at this point, since nobody is reading anything, I post anyway, but later on it’ll just get annoying. 

    I think my biggest hope for the future is to be somebody’s imaginary friend. If I follow you online, there is a one-hundred percent chance I’ve tried to have a “conversation” with you in my head. I realize this may sound creepy, and in all fairness, it possibly is, but when you find socializing as difficult as I do, it’s nice to know you can have friendships where you aren’t constantly paranoid about screwing up or making someone angry, if that isn’t what you wanted. So many people have given me that over the years. Maybe it wasn’t their intention, but I feel better knowing that there’s someone I feel safe caring about, who shares my views on life. I keep hoping that I could do that for some other lonely soul who feels trapped by family who doesn’t understand them, friends who don’t like them for what they are, or a world that just doesn’t care. 

   A lot of people view the internet as poisonous den of evil, which isn’t wrong. I can’t blame people for thinking that social media and search engines have proven to do more harm than good. But it’s been my home for at least the past fifteen years. It’s where I went to read news, play games, read the life stories of strangers, and learn about the world many wouldn’t talk about, but I still wanted to see in some way. 

    I think I should make my goal building a space for people like me, people who don’t want to be evil but find it hard to be good. People who don’t fit in and don’t really want too either. People who wish they could be themselves and still live in society. I think we underestimate just how hard it is to live when society won’t accept you. We have to. Being a member of society requires that you not see those who can’t live alongside you.

    Well, that got dark. I think I’m going to end it here. Hope you had a Merry Christmas.