What I know

   I say that I feel things. Maybe more strongly than other's, but maybe much less. I don't know. People don't talk about feelings a lot. We prefer to focus on whats "real" and feelings, no matter what we think, are not "real".
   I think our "emotions" are the only reality we have. We can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch the outside world, but unless someone else notices the same thing, we have no idea if it's real or not. The only thing that we know for sure is real is what goes on inside our own heads, a reality constructed by our brains in a feeble attempt to make sense of what's around us. In that sense, how can what we feel be unreal, fake, a sham?
  I can make myself feel what I believe other people to be feeling, which is an inaccurate science at best. I don't think, or feel, what other people think and feel when they see something. This is true for everyone else, but I'm reminded of it constantly. The reason is that most people, regardless of their other traits, love people.
  I don't.
  I've hated people for as long as I can remember. I hate people in the same way a social person hates math, that overwhelming, deep terror of some strange code you could never hope to decipher, for a language you have no hope of understanding. In spite of this I do, occasionally, enjoy being with people. Sometimes you're with someone and you feel happy, because you know your sharing some part of the other persons inner world. You know you like them and they like you, so for a while you can share emotions, even if you never talk about them. Other times, you find yourself alone in a room, people everywhere, but there's no one you can talk to. These are the times when you remember that no one likes you, because you push them away so you never have to talk to them. Regardless of who you are, or of whether or not you chose to do this, it still hurts.
   I spend as much time as possible in my bedroom. When I'm alone, I don't have to think about anyone else, about whoever I'm accidentally annoying with behaviors I can't seem to shake. I can read about other people, and pretend that they're my lifelong friends, even though we'll never meet in person. I can think what I want and say what I want, without any repercussions to our (nonexistent) relationship. If they do something that makes me angry, I can end the relationship easily.
   I'm well aware of the health consequences of choosing to live like this. I don't want sympathy, since I can't blame my not having any friends on anyone but myself. I choose to live like this because I hate anything that involves people, not because I have some horrible illness that keeps me housebound.
  Don't use me as an argument against welfare. I don't have a job, but my mother pays my living expenses. If I needed too, I could work. I haven't sought out government assistance, and I have no plans of doing so. People who apply for welfare need it, if they wanted to scam someone, they'd go to their employer or a grocery store. Or they would commit identity theft. To deny someone help that you can easily give is the scummiest thing you can do, and people are well within their rights to hate you for it.
   Well, today's post got a little heavy, Think of it as my making up for missing a post two days ago.