I know I should talk about something more interesting than my life, which as lives go is very boring, but right now I just, want to talk. Not vent, there's just a lot going on in my head, and no one to talk about it to, so I may as well post about it, since no one's reading this.
Blogging has made me question myself. I'm more upset than I thought I was going to be that I don't have any followers. I pride myself on not caring about what other people think of me, though I guess it's more that I pretend I don't so that it hurts less. I'm not sure if that's really what's bothering me though. I feel like I need to be doing more to increase viewership, but I can't find anything that I'm willing to try.
I think the issue is that up until now, I've tried to avoid being a part of society. I thought I had a good grasp of what people wanted, but now I'm not so sure.
What scares me the most is that I'm worried I'm only in this for myself, that I think I'm entitled to a large following just because I managed to get over my fears enough to post about myself publicly. When I was little, I watched a lot of TV, and one of the messages they really hammered home back then was not to ask for more than you deserve and to be happy with what you had. I don't hate anyone who has a larger following than I do, they worked hard to earn it.
Writing was always my passion. I love what I write, and hold it to my heart closely. But I've always suspected that I'm actually a terrible writer. I don't always love good writing, I love writing that touches me on an emotional level, which can be intentional or not. I want to believe that this is my passion project, that I'm sharing this for the people who feel the way I do about the world, and that I just want to change the world in my own, very small way.
I'm not sure if that's really the case anymore.
Saturday, January 18, 2020
Friday, January 17, 2020
Minipost
Not really in the mood for a long post today. I know it takes time to build an audience, but I keep wondering if I'm doing enough for the blog. Mostly because I keep hoping to get more views, but also, I just don't know if I'm doing enough. What I hope is to reach the point where I feel comfortable talking about some of my, shall we say, crazy ideas, and where I have a large enough audience for it to matter. I don't really want to be famous, though the less rational part of me thinks it would be fun, I just wish I wasn't opening my stats page to only see zeroes.
Maybe I've just played too many simulations. You don't have to wait for long periods, even if your supposed to wait you can just cheat your way around it. In real life, you have to wait if you want a reward for something. I've said before that I don't want to be at the top, I just wish I had a little more than I do now. I just want to feel like I what I think is important, that I matter in some way. The delusional part of me believes that I can give a service that no one else can provide. I know it isn't true, but I still believe it anyways.
Still, it is kind of nice to not have anyone reading my blog, in a way. I don't have to try and cater to my audience, and I don't have to worry about any backlash, or how I might handle it. I've spent my entire life avoiding criticism, so the thought of what people might say if I do become famous scares me, not because of my reputation, I just don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I'm probably worried about nothing. I doubt that I'll ever become mainstream enough for that kind of comment to become common enough for me to be scared, even if it is, I could always turn off my comments if I need a break.
And eventually I'll get an audience. They don't show up in your first two weeks of posting.
Maybe I've just played too many simulations. You don't have to wait for long periods, even if your supposed to wait you can just cheat your way around it. In real life, you have to wait if you want a reward for something. I've said before that I don't want to be at the top, I just wish I had a little more than I do now. I just want to feel like I what I think is important, that I matter in some way. The delusional part of me believes that I can give a service that no one else can provide. I know it isn't true, but I still believe it anyways.
Still, it is kind of nice to not have anyone reading my blog, in a way. I don't have to try and cater to my audience, and I don't have to worry about any backlash, or how I might handle it. I've spent my entire life avoiding criticism, so the thought of what people might say if I do become famous scares me, not because of my reputation, I just don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I'm probably worried about nothing. I doubt that I'll ever become mainstream enough for that kind of comment to become common enough for me to be scared, even if it is, I could always turn off my comments if I need a break.
And eventually I'll get an audience. They don't show up in your first two weeks of posting.
Thursday, January 16, 2020
On job requirements
Recently I've been on the hunt for a paying job, because even great thinkers have bills to pay. The biggest hurdle I've encountered is that each job, no matter how much it pays, requires at least two to three years experience. That's part of the reason why I'm working so hard on the blog, so that in a couple of years I'll have something to put on my resume.
The second biggest hurdle is that many of these jobs require a bachelors degree. Mostly they're jobs paying in the sixty to one hundred thousand a year range, but I've seen a few that only pay about forty thousand. I get why they do this, a lot of people think they can write but actually can't, so they need some way of vetting the pool of applicants. I like to think I'm a good writer, but my skills mostly lie in the "give me an example and I can emulate it while giving it my own voice" category (seriously, I built a resume that way). I love to create stuff, but putting it into words that really say what I want to say is tricky.
I do wish companies wouldn't just use college as a way of vetting applicants. I'm told that people who went to college are more driven than people who didn't go to college, but in practice I find that to be grossly untrue. Most of the people who go to college aren't going to improve themselves, they're going because society expects people to want to study past high school, and if you don't want to than you're punished for it. Conversely, if someone forgoes college, they generally have a plan for what they want to do instead, and the ambition to stick it out.
There's also nothing stopping a determined person from looking at classes, finding the text books they use, and learning the material by themselves. These days there are tons of resources for every subject out their if your willing to look for it. It's more difficult, but you also learn more because you aren't just a passive student listening to a professor, but an active participant in whatever field you want to research.
Society puts a lot of importance on education, but very little emphasis on learning. We don't encourage people to do anything that might allow them to figure out what they really want to do, we just push them down the road that will get them the most money, which is often the road that requires expensive education. But going thousands of dollars in debt won't help the vast majority of people on a college campus, because most of what they want to learn doesn't require a professor. They could learn it just as easily from the library, or from free online courses. College is supposed to be a gate, opening to lead you to great opportunities. Instead, it's become a wall, blocking the less fortunate from getting ahead in the world.
I realize that college is a good way of vetting people applying for a high paying position, and I don't fault the companies who decide this is the best way to get qualified applicants. But there are many better ways of doing this. Maybe for a writing job, you could have them write from a prompt. Maybe a marketing job could have them do a sales presentation. There's not a whole lot you can do if the job is for a lab, I understand that, but I don't think a college degree is really worth it for me at this point.
College does have it's benefits, but I don't think everyone, or even most people, should be required to go. There are a lot of jobs that won't repay back a student loan or need college level skills that still require a degree, but it doesn't have to be the case. Ultimately, I think we need to have a discussion of if college, community, private, or public, is worth it for all but the most intense of majors, and if it is, how do we make it as accessible to people as possible. We also have to talk about those who can't handle college, like I wasn't able to. Should they be allowed to suffer?
The second biggest hurdle is that many of these jobs require a bachelors degree. Mostly they're jobs paying in the sixty to one hundred thousand a year range, but I've seen a few that only pay about forty thousand. I get why they do this, a lot of people think they can write but actually can't, so they need some way of vetting the pool of applicants. I like to think I'm a good writer, but my skills mostly lie in the "give me an example and I can emulate it while giving it my own voice" category (seriously, I built a resume that way). I love to create stuff, but putting it into words that really say what I want to say is tricky.
I do wish companies wouldn't just use college as a way of vetting applicants. I'm told that people who went to college are more driven than people who didn't go to college, but in practice I find that to be grossly untrue. Most of the people who go to college aren't going to improve themselves, they're going because society expects people to want to study past high school, and if you don't want to than you're punished for it. Conversely, if someone forgoes college, they generally have a plan for what they want to do instead, and the ambition to stick it out.
There's also nothing stopping a determined person from looking at classes, finding the text books they use, and learning the material by themselves. These days there are tons of resources for every subject out their if your willing to look for it. It's more difficult, but you also learn more because you aren't just a passive student listening to a professor, but an active participant in whatever field you want to research.
Society puts a lot of importance on education, but very little emphasis on learning. We don't encourage people to do anything that might allow them to figure out what they really want to do, we just push them down the road that will get them the most money, which is often the road that requires expensive education. But going thousands of dollars in debt won't help the vast majority of people on a college campus, because most of what they want to learn doesn't require a professor. They could learn it just as easily from the library, or from free online courses. College is supposed to be a gate, opening to lead you to great opportunities. Instead, it's become a wall, blocking the less fortunate from getting ahead in the world.
I realize that college is a good way of vetting people applying for a high paying position, and I don't fault the companies who decide this is the best way to get qualified applicants. But there are many better ways of doing this. Maybe for a writing job, you could have them write from a prompt. Maybe a marketing job could have them do a sales presentation. There's not a whole lot you can do if the job is for a lab, I understand that, but I don't think a college degree is really worth it for me at this point.
College does have it's benefits, but I don't think everyone, or even most people, should be required to go. There are a lot of jobs that won't repay back a student loan or need college level skills that still require a degree, but it doesn't have to be the case. Ultimately, I think we need to have a discussion of if college, community, private, or public, is worth it for all but the most intense of majors, and if it is, how do we make it as accessible to people as possible. We also have to talk about those who can't handle college, like I wasn't able to. Should they be allowed to suffer?
Wednesday, January 15, 2020
What I know
I say that I feel things. Maybe more strongly than other's, but maybe much less. I don't know. People don't talk about feelings a lot. We prefer to focus on whats "real" and feelings, no matter what we think, are not "real".
I think our "emotions" are the only reality we have. We can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch the outside world, but unless someone else notices the same thing, we have no idea if it's real or not. The only thing that we know for sure is real is what goes on inside our own heads, a reality constructed by our brains in a feeble attempt to make sense of what's around us. In that sense, how can what we feel be unreal, fake, a sham?
I can make myself feel what I believe other people to be feeling, which is an inaccurate science at best. I don't think, or feel, what other people think and feel when they see something. This is true for everyone else, but I'm reminded of it constantly. The reason is that most people, regardless of their other traits, love people.
I don't.
I've hated people for as long as I can remember. I hate people in the same way a social person hates math, that overwhelming, deep terror of some strange code you could never hope to decipher, for a language you have no hope of understanding. In spite of this I do, occasionally, enjoy being with people. Sometimes you're with someone and you feel happy, because you know your sharing some part of the other persons inner world. You know you like them and they like you, so for a while you can share emotions, even if you never talk about them. Other times, you find yourself alone in a room, people everywhere, but there's no one you can talk to. These are the times when you remember that no one likes you, because you push them away so you never have to talk to them. Regardless of who you are, or of whether or not you chose to do this, it still hurts.
I spend as much time as possible in my bedroom. When I'm alone, I don't have to think about anyone else, about whoever I'm accidentally annoying with behaviors I can't seem to shake. I can read about other people, and pretend that they're my lifelong friends, even though we'll never meet in person. I can think what I want and say what I want, without any repercussions to our (nonexistent) relationship. If they do something that makes me angry, I can end the relationship easily.
I'm well aware of the health consequences of choosing to live like this. I don't want sympathy, since I can't blame my not having any friends on anyone but myself. I choose to live like this because I hate anything that involves people, not because I have some horrible illness that keeps me housebound.
Don't use me as an argument against welfare. I don't have a job, but my mother pays my living expenses. If I needed too, I could work. I haven't sought out government assistance, and I have no plans of doing so. People who apply for welfare need it, if they wanted to scam someone, they'd go to their employer or a grocery store. Or they would commit identity theft. To deny someone help that you can easily give is the scummiest thing you can do, and people are well within their rights to hate you for it.
Well, today's post got a little heavy, Think of it as my making up for missing a post two days ago.
I think our "emotions" are the only reality we have. We can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch the outside world, but unless someone else notices the same thing, we have no idea if it's real or not. The only thing that we know for sure is real is what goes on inside our own heads, a reality constructed by our brains in a feeble attempt to make sense of what's around us. In that sense, how can what we feel be unreal, fake, a sham?
I can make myself feel what I believe other people to be feeling, which is an inaccurate science at best. I don't think, or feel, what other people think and feel when they see something. This is true for everyone else, but I'm reminded of it constantly. The reason is that most people, regardless of their other traits, love people.
I don't.
I've hated people for as long as I can remember. I hate people in the same way a social person hates math, that overwhelming, deep terror of some strange code you could never hope to decipher, for a language you have no hope of understanding. In spite of this I do, occasionally, enjoy being with people. Sometimes you're with someone and you feel happy, because you know your sharing some part of the other persons inner world. You know you like them and they like you, so for a while you can share emotions, even if you never talk about them. Other times, you find yourself alone in a room, people everywhere, but there's no one you can talk to. These are the times when you remember that no one likes you, because you push them away so you never have to talk to them. Regardless of who you are, or of whether or not you chose to do this, it still hurts.
I spend as much time as possible in my bedroom. When I'm alone, I don't have to think about anyone else, about whoever I'm accidentally annoying with behaviors I can't seem to shake. I can read about other people, and pretend that they're my lifelong friends, even though we'll never meet in person. I can think what I want and say what I want, without any repercussions to our (nonexistent) relationship. If they do something that makes me angry, I can end the relationship easily.
I'm well aware of the health consequences of choosing to live like this. I don't want sympathy, since I can't blame my not having any friends on anyone but myself. I choose to live like this because I hate anything that involves people, not because I have some horrible illness that keeps me housebound.
Don't use me as an argument against welfare. I don't have a job, but my mother pays my living expenses. If I needed too, I could work. I haven't sought out government assistance, and I have no plans of doing so. People who apply for welfare need it, if they wanted to scam someone, they'd go to their employer or a grocery store. Or they would commit identity theft. To deny someone help that you can easily give is the scummiest thing you can do, and people are well within their rights to hate you for it.
Well, today's post got a little heavy, Think of it as my making up for missing a post two days ago.
Tuesday, January 14, 2020
Sunday, January 12, 2020
On animation
Tomorrow, I will have managed of week's worth of daily posts. I'd say it's been hard, but as I have no fame and in no danger of obtaining fame, the biggest challenge is just summoning the willpower to post something.
I have something I want to get off my chest. Lily Orchard's most recent glass of water touched on how cartoons have become more angsty and dramatic in the 2010's, and she placed the blame for that on art school grad's being hired to run shows rather than people with writing credentials.
I don't think that any of the people she's complaining about are good writers, but I don't think that the blame for their problematic writing is entirely due to the lack of language arts classes.
Firstly, it's fair to assume that all of these show runners went to high school at some point, and all high schools require you to take at least a few language arts classes if you want to graduate. Just about every high school student has to write a book report analyzing a book their teacher has chosen for them. Most of these classes don't go in depth on plot, theme or characters, and most language arts teachers are no better at analyzing literature than their students. I don't know how much this changes in college, but I expect it depends on what the professor teaching you thinks about literature.
Secondly, it's not necessary to take a language arts course of any sort to learn what makes a work good and what doesn't. Having someone to guide you through the process is helpful, but it can also make it more difficult to figure out what works if they don't know what their doing. A good example of this is Lily Orchard herself. Her fiction is, admittedly, a little hit and miss, but her glass of water videos, give or take a few inaccuracies, are well put together and show that she does know what she's talking about. She has also disclosed that she never went to college, so her knowledge of writing came from self study.
What I think is more likely is that these writers learned good writing from the internet, which comes with a rather big problem. I'm not talking about rampant spelling or grammar errors, I'm talking about cliff notes. I admittedly love Cliff notes, it's good analysis and well written and thought out. The problem is that lot's of people who used cliff notes to get through their language arts classes saw the points the authors made about why the literature was so good and timeless, and began to try and apply it to other genre's and media. Honestly, am I the only one who's noticed that a lot of analytical tumblr posts seem like they were written by people emulating cliff notes? What they didn't understand was that the symbols and themes that cliff notes talks incessantly about are a nice bonus, but they aren't the core of a good story. That's the job of a plot and the characters.
Lastly, I want to touch on a small issue I have with Lily Orchard. One thing she goes on about is that cartoons, and shows in general, should focus on being funny. I don't disagree with that opinion, but I would like to point out that if the writers can't manage to make a good dramatic story, comedy might not be a good idea either. Comedy is actually pretty hard to write, you have to know what the audience wants, and you have to be very careful. There's are reason why the writers of How Not to Write a Novel said it was an advanced technique. I don't think they should stick to drama either. There's a nice middle ground that most media falls into where it's not insanely dark but doesn't push into being funny, and I think that's where most authors should try and fall into, since the screw ups won't be as disruptive, and the stories are easier to write. I think that was what Lily meant, but it wasn't really all that clearly communicated.
I just want to add that I don't think there's an easy fix for the current trends of animation. It's what the audience keeps saying they want and the show runner's clearly don't mind making it, so I don't see it going away. I think what'll happen is that someone will make a show that's more aimed at kid's, like Friendship is Magic was originally, and that'll become very popular, so the people running the network will demand that more shows like that be made, and the shows the current crop of fans say they want will migrate to smaller nighttime networks, where they'll enjoy a small but devoted following. In other words, it's just a trend, and trends have a way of changing as the world changes.
I have something I want to get off my chest. Lily Orchard's most recent glass of water touched on how cartoons have become more angsty and dramatic in the 2010's, and she placed the blame for that on art school grad's being hired to run shows rather than people with writing credentials.
I don't think that any of the people she's complaining about are good writers, but I don't think that the blame for their problematic writing is entirely due to the lack of language arts classes.
Firstly, it's fair to assume that all of these show runners went to high school at some point, and all high schools require you to take at least a few language arts classes if you want to graduate. Just about every high school student has to write a book report analyzing a book their teacher has chosen for them. Most of these classes don't go in depth on plot, theme or characters, and most language arts teachers are no better at analyzing literature than their students. I don't know how much this changes in college, but I expect it depends on what the professor teaching you thinks about literature.
Secondly, it's not necessary to take a language arts course of any sort to learn what makes a work good and what doesn't. Having someone to guide you through the process is helpful, but it can also make it more difficult to figure out what works if they don't know what their doing. A good example of this is Lily Orchard herself. Her fiction is, admittedly, a little hit and miss, but her glass of water videos, give or take a few inaccuracies, are well put together and show that she does know what she's talking about. She has also disclosed that she never went to college, so her knowledge of writing came from self study.
What I think is more likely is that these writers learned good writing from the internet, which comes with a rather big problem. I'm not talking about rampant spelling or grammar errors, I'm talking about cliff notes. I admittedly love Cliff notes, it's good analysis and well written and thought out. The problem is that lot's of people who used cliff notes to get through their language arts classes saw the points the authors made about why the literature was so good and timeless, and began to try and apply it to other genre's and media. Honestly, am I the only one who's noticed that a lot of analytical tumblr posts seem like they were written by people emulating cliff notes? What they didn't understand was that the symbols and themes that cliff notes talks incessantly about are a nice bonus, but they aren't the core of a good story. That's the job of a plot and the characters.
Lastly, I want to touch on a small issue I have with Lily Orchard. One thing she goes on about is that cartoons, and shows in general, should focus on being funny. I don't disagree with that opinion, but I would like to point out that if the writers can't manage to make a good dramatic story, comedy might not be a good idea either. Comedy is actually pretty hard to write, you have to know what the audience wants, and you have to be very careful. There's are reason why the writers of How Not to Write a Novel said it was an advanced technique. I don't think they should stick to drama either. There's a nice middle ground that most media falls into where it's not insanely dark but doesn't push into being funny, and I think that's where most authors should try and fall into, since the screw ups won't be as disruptive, and the stories are easier to write. I think that was what Lily meant, but it wasn't really all that clearly communicated.
I just want to add that I don't think there's an easy fix for the current trends of animation. It's what the audience keeps saying they want and the show runner's clearly don't mind making it, so I don't see it going away. I think what'll happen is that someone will make a show that's more aimed at kid's, like Friendship is Magic was originally, and that'll become very popular, so the people running the network will demand that more shows like that be made, and the shows the current crop of fans say they want will migrate to smaller nighttime networks, where they'll enjoy a small but devoted following. In other words, it's just a trend, and trends have a way of changing as the world changes.
Saturday, January 11, 2020
Writers block
Frankly speaking, I'm not sure what I want to write about today. I realize that I don't post about anything usually, but most of the time I can think of something to write about. I saw an opera at the movie theater today, so that was fun.
I'm planning on making a few big posts a week eventually. It's a little nebulous at the moment, but I've got the skeleton of one, and plans for two more. I can't guarantee it'll be regular though, at least not until I get used to publishing daily and have some idea as to how I handle criticism. And a few coping mechanisms for dealing with it when it happens.
I think that's all I want to write for today. My mother was nagging at me to vacuum the floors today. I might wait until tomorrow to do that, but I should probably mop the kitchen soon, and declutter my bedroom.
Well, that's it for today. See you tomorrow.
Friday, January 10, 2020
What happens when I get sick
Currently the heavenly bodies that govern human health have smote me with a cold, which I wouldn't mind (as much) if I hadn't just gotten over one a few days ago. Ah well, at least it's not the flu, and at least I don't tend to get too horribly miserable if I get colds.
That's actually a little bit of a problem, not for me but for the people around me who don't want to get sick. I'm not afraid of germs in the least, so I engage in a lot of habits that, quite frankly, should have resulted from an untimely death from meningitis/salmonella by now. In spite of that, the sickest I've been was the time I got the flu after our trip to Europe, and the worst thing that happened as a result of that was my mother being bedridden for three months with pneumonia. The thing is, I can fight off an illness quite easily (though I did get uvula infection when I was eleven from a root canal, anesthesia was still better than being awake for it) so I tend to forget that there are other people in the world for whom illness can actually be dangerous. See above for an example.
I might be getting an opportunity to practice better hygiene soon. I applied to volunteer at the local humane society, and if all goes will I will be working with our local needy animal population. It's the kind of job where changing your gloves is important. I guess I could have gotten a job at the local McDonald's for a similar experience, but this way I avoid the deer in the headlights effect.
That's actually a little bit of a problem, not for me but for the people around me who don't want to get sick. I'm not afraid of germs in the least, so I engage in a lot of habits that, quite frankly, should have resulted from an untimely death from meningitis/salmonella by now. In spite of that, the sickest I've been was the time I got the flu after our trip to Europe, and the worst thing that happened as a result of that was my mother being bedridden for three months with pneumonia. The thing is, I can fight off an illness quite easily (though I did get uvula infection when I was eleven from a root canal, anesthesia was still better than being awake for it) so I tend to forget that there are other people in the world for whom illness can actually be dangerous. See above for an example.
I might be getting an opportunity to practice better hygiene soon. I applied to volunteer at the local humane society, and if all goes will I will be working with our local needy animal population. It's the kind of job where changing your gloves is important. I guess I could have gotten a job at the local McDonald's for a similar experience, but this way I avoid the deer in the headlights effect.
Thursday, January 9, 2020
Life and choices
Well yesterday's post was depressing. I didn't want to turn into the type of person who complains about their life to people who can't possibly fix it, but I did anyway. I could talk about why I did it, but I know from experience that it doesn't help the people who witnessed your horrible behavior.
I guess it's a good thing no one reads any of my blog posts, though who knows when/if that will change.
Today on "issues Kristen thinks are big but that actually aren't big" I discovered that if were to get a volunteer job, transit cost would be rather high. I don't know if it's worth it, but I also don't think that flossing or eating vegetables are worth it and people won't stop praising them.
I guess it's a good thing no one reads any of my blog posts, though who knows when/if that will change.
Today on "issues Kristen thinks are big but that actually aren't big" I discovered that if were to get a volunteer job, transit cost would be rather high. I don't know if it's worth it, but I also don't think that flossing or eating vegetables are worth it and people won't stop praising them.
Wednesday, January 8, 2020
Mental health mother and daughter
Today I had a psychiatrist appointment, and tomorrow I have an appointment with a new therapist. I'm going to be honest, I hate going to any sort of appointments related to my mental health. I think that therapy is important, everyone should have access to it, and people who can't cope with life should be able to get whatever help they need. The reason I don't like it myself is just that I don't find that conventional medicine is all that effective at helping me deal with my issues.
I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. On a good day my mood is "meh" but on a bad day I feel like I should just kill myself and get it over with. I can't honestly remember a time when I was "happy", I just sort of remember times when I wasn't quite as depressed as I am now.
I remember it getting really bad when I was in about the forth or fifth grade. I specifically remember one day when my mother and I were moving stuff that wasn't going to fit in our new apartment into a storage unit. It was hot as hell, and I was feeling extremely cranky and complaining about how much I didn't want to be there. I'll be honest, I don't even remember what I said at this point, all I remember is that at some point my mother snapped and yelled at me, "Kristen, I'm working." before going back to moving heavy boxes into the storage unit.
I don't remember people or places very well. What I do remember is emotions. I remember feeling scared, because mother had never yelled at me like that before, upset that I'd made her mad, and worried that she would hurt me if she got angrier at me.
I wish I could say this was the only time she did something that made me feel that way, but there were several more instances after that where similar things happened. In all those instances, something happened that caused mother to fly off the handle, but I didn't know what happened and what I'd done wrong.
Things went back to normal after about a year of this, but it was never the same. Before the storage incident, I loved my mother more than anything in the world, and was convinced she would be there to protect me no matter what. Afterwards, I still loved her, but I was always scared that I would do something that would make her mad.
Something you don't know about mood issues unless you live with someone who has one, you can reach a point where you're so angry you don't care who you hurt or how badly you hurt them. If you're on the other end of that, you have two choices: make it so the can't hurt you or make it so they won't hurt you. I chose the latter. Over the years I fought back in whatever way I could. Knowing that she could get angry at any time, for any reason, it rather made it hard to have any motivation to do anything that would make her happy, when it was better to just save the energy for the next tantrum that would come my way.
I should make this clear, I'm in no way blameless. If I wanted to, I could have kept our house clean, done my schoolwork without being asked, supported my mother during her down moments, tried to keep an open mind, remembered that even if she gets upset, she's just acting out how she was taught to behave by her parents growing up.
That's what she expects of me. The reason I don't do it is that honestly, I don't want to. You know how in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Yoda says that fear leads to anger, hate and suffering? That's what's happened to me over time. I don't know if she loves me anymore, or if she even did. I don't know what her hopes were for me, or if I failed her. Quite frankly I don't care. Ever since that day in storage I've tried to ignore her behavior, or justify it, or just put my pain to one side so I can do what I need to do.
That all stopped a week ago. I don't want to go into details, but mother told me what she was feeling that time, and rather than feeling sorry or upset, it just pissed me off. It was the kind of thing that you don't take out on your child who had nothing to do with it, you get therapy and work to fix it. But instead she made me her scapegoat.
So I'm done playing the bad guy. As soon as I get a steady income and move out of the house, I'm cutting off all ties with her. Probably the rest of my family to. My cousin's still cool though.
I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. On a good day my mood is "meh" but on a bad day I feel like I should just kill myself and get it over with. I can't honestly remember a time when I was "happy", I just sort of remember times when I wasn't quite as depressed as I am now.
I remember it getting really bad when I was in about the forth or fifth grade. I specifically remember one day when my mother and I were moving stuff that wasn't going to fit in our new apartment into a storage unit. It was hot as hell, and I was feeling extremely cranky and complaining about how much I didn't want to be there. I'll be honest, I don't even remember what I said at this point, all I remember is that at some point my mother snapped and yelled at me, "Kristen, I'm working." before going back to moving heavy boxes into the storage unit.
I don't remember people or places very well. What I do remember is emotions. I remember feeling scared, because mother had never yelled at me like that before, upset that I'd made her mad, and worried that she would hurt me if she got angrier at me.
I wish I could say this was the only time she did something that made me feel that way, but there were several more instances after that where similar things happened. In all those instances, something happened that caused mother to fly off the handle, but I didn't know what happened and what I'd done wrong.
Things went back to normal after about a year of this, but it was never the same. Before the storage incident, I loved my mother more than anything in the world, and was convinced she would be there to protect me no matter what. Afterwards, I still loved her, but I was always scared that I would do something that would make her mad.
Something you don't know about mood issues unless you live with someone who has one, you can reach a point where you're so angry you don't care who you hurt or how badly you hurt them. If you're on the other end of that, you have two choices: make it so the can't hurt you or make it so they won't hurt you. I chose the latter. Over the years I fought back in whatever way I could. Knowing that she could get angry at any time, for any reason, it rather made it hard to have any motivation to do anything that would make her happy, when it was better to just save the energy for the next tantrum that would come my way.
I should make this clear, I'm in no way blameless. If I wanted to, I could have kept our house clean, done my schoolwork without being asked, supported my mother during her down moments, tried to keep an open mind, remembered that even if she gets upset, she's just acting out how she was taught to behave by her parents growing up.
That's what she expects of me. The reason I don't do it is that honestly, I don't want to. You know how in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Yoda says that fear leads to anger, hate and suffering? That's what's happened to me over time. I don't know if she loves me anymore, or if she even did. I don't know what her hopes were for me, or if I failed her. Quite frankly I don't care. Ever since that day in storage I've tried to ignore her behavior, or justify it, or just put my pain to one side so I can do what I need to do.
That all stopped a week ago. I don't want to go into details, but mother told me what she was feeling that time, and rather than feeling sorry or upset, it just pissed me off. It was the kind of thing that you don't take out on your child who had nothing to do with it, you get therapy and work to fix it. But instead she made me her scapegoat.
So I'm done playing the bad guy. As soon as I get a steady income and move out of the house, I'm cutting off all ties with her. Probably the rest of my family to. My cousin's still cool though.
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