I think we can all agree that once you've passed the line into fascism, your relative morality doesn't matter anymore. So why do our politicians keep violating this very simple rule. 

Morality

 I can't confirm that society is real
Or that it knows the difference
Between right and wrong.
I only know what I believe is the right thing to do,
And as time goes by
It seems more important 
To listen to my instincts
Than to let the world guide me. 

     It's supposed to be a nice day today. As I'm writing this, I feel cold, so I hope it'll get a bit warmer. I shouldn't be wearing sweaters in August. 

Changes

 So much is happening
In my corner of the world,
Changes good and bad,
Things being moved around.
So much is happening,
And I don't know
Where I'm meant to go. 

    I keep flashing back to a decade ago, when I was just about to start my second year of college. It's strange to think that world doesn't really exist anymore. Or at least, I don't feel like it does. Whenever I go back to play games I remember playing at the time, it feels like I'm looking at a museum piece, a relic from a time when gaming wasn't as demanding as it is today. Not just the games, so many things are gone. Some are still here, but even the stuff that's still here feels different. I miss the feeling that I knew who I was. Somedays I look in the mirror and I feel like a stranger. So much of my pre-pandemic life is gone, and I don't know what to replace it with. 

The Crossroads

 Which way do I go?
Left,
Right,
Forward,
Backward?
Should I even be
On this road at all?

I came here looking 
For better opportunities,
For a future I couldn't get back at home.
As time goes on,
I feel uneasy,
Should I even be here at all?

I don't miss home.
Home never welcomed me
And the people were jerks.
I miss the feeling of familiarity,
The feeling that I knew who I was
And where I stood.
I miss feeling like maybe
I might belong here one day.

I don't belong here,
I felt that as soon as I saw this place
So perhaps I didn't try hard enough.
I don't even remember coming here,
I just know that staying back home
Wasn't an option.

I don't want to go home,
I don't want to stay,
I'm not sure I want to go 
Anywhere else.

So which way do I go?
Left,
Right,
Forward,
Backward?
Which way will take me

To where I want to be?

    I just looked up American Girl Flash Games on Bing, and to my surprise a lot of them have been archived online. I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Even if I don't play them that much anymore, they were a huge part of my childhood, and a version of the web that everyone my age really misses. Please, bring back a world where you could play bite sized games on almost any website, even if they weren't good. I miss when the internet was fun. 

    I fear the end times are upon us; I'm seeing ads on YouTube for things that I want to buy. 

Impulsiveness

 How do I stop myself
From counting my chickens
Before they hatch?
I know I have good sense,
But that candy bar
Looks so tasty,
I must have it now. 

     The one thing every American agrees on is that our world isn't as it should be, we just can't agree as to why. We can't even agree on what would be the best thing for us. All I know is that I pity most of the people I'm supposed to envy, and the people that I respect the most aren't anywhere near the top. I have opinions on who should go where, but how do I get people to listen to what I have to say without acquiring a ton of power first? 

Royalty

 Are royals meant to be guides
Telling you how to avoid
Knocking down the walls 
Of their palaces?
Or are they meant to be leaders,
Leading their country
To greatness and glory?

     Whenever I look at Elon Musk, I get worried that I'm a bad person. Not because I've done any of the deranged things he's done, but because my one claim to goodness is that I haven't done any of the deranged things that he's done. I yell into the void much more than he does, but it's on a blog no one reads, and I didn't destroy a social media platform in order to do it. I'm not destroying any of my personal relationships for clout, but since I have next to no IRL relationships to destroy that means exactly nothing. Elon Musk has this weird power over me. I'm not as bad as he is, but I feel as though that makes me a bad person. I've always been the type of person to coast on the fact that I never do anything inherently wrong, so I must therefore not be hurting anyone. If I did do anything wrong, it's something so minor that no one would care about it. My problem is that Elon Musk is so destructive, so dangerous, so downright cruel that not being him isn't enough. You need to be the kind of person who could never become Elon Musk no matter what the world is doing to you. I can't say that about myself. I understand him too well to be able to say that. Looking at Elon Musk, I worry that one day someone will tell me that I'm just as bad as he is, and the rest of the world will agree. 

Just a Few More Days

 Someday our world will end,
Not in a blaze of glory
Or in a whimper,
But in an instant
When no one is watching.
On that day,
I'll be alone,
But until that day
I'll be working tirelessly
To make sure the sun 
Rises 
For just a few more days.

I fight,
I push,
I scream.
In the end,
I give into the inevitable,
But I won't give in
Until the moment
I no longer believe
This world is real.

For this world will only 
Exist
For as long as I believe 
It is there.

Until then I'll pray
For the sun to shine once more.
Until then I'll keep watch
Over the stary sky.
I'll never give up,
For it's just a few more days
Until a new day dawns
Once more. 

    I feel as though our world was built to take power from us. We step outside and we stop belonging to ourselves, we become a part of the perceptions of every person we see on the streets. We have no control over the things people see, we can only try to influence their perceptions. I can't help but think that most of the world would be far more valuable to us if it was too expensive for us to experience. Everything about our lives is just expensive enough to be out of reach, but not expensive enough to have any value to people. Seems like a handy encapsulation of how the rich view us and the things that we make for them. 

    One thing I didn't expect when I started blogging was that I would eventually become jealous of people more successful than I am. In hindsight, that was a stupid thing to think, and I'm paying the price for not having prepared for this eventuality. I've been doing a lot of arguing with the voices in my head over this, and I'm finding that it helps to remember that I'm not someone doing this for fame or to ride some imaginary algorithm. I'm doing this because I want to do it, and I want the freedom to say what I want to say. Anything else would represent a change so strong it would send ripples through the world. After all, influence always goes both ways, and if the world is changing me, that means that it must be changed in turn. 

Exponents

 Using the power of exponents, 
I could climb my way to the top.
Going the other way, 
I could pull people to the bottom.
But how, pray tell,
Am I meant to find a stable position
Somewhere in the middle? 

     Like most people who prioritize themselves over everyone else, I don't have many friends. Unlike most people who prioritize themselves, I know why this is the case. Sometimes, though, I really wish that I wasn't like this and that I could make friends. I just wish I knew how to tell who was worth the time and who wasn't. 

Jealousy

 Is it the fact that you have more than I do, 
Or the fact that I want more
When I see you?
Is it that when I look at you 
I feel small?
Is it that I know 
I'll never be you?
What it is that's causing 
This feeling of anger
Ripping my insides apart? 

    One of the things I appreciate about approaching thirty is that no one expects me to be in the know anymore. I was never in the know to begin with, but now that I'm of the age range where that's appropriate I'm grateful to just be able to like what I want to like without feeling the probably nonexistent judgement of my peers. This does mean that I should probably work on shifting from being the person who refuses to be in the know on principle to someone who just doesn't care. The downside of getting older is that you suddenly have to live up to your stated principle of having no fucks to give anymore. 

Pity Poor Elon Musk

 Pity Poor Elon Musk,
For from the time he was born
To today
The world gave him all
That he could possibly want.

When he said he wanted to be a successful 
Business person,
The world gave him 
A clear road
Straight to the front door.
When he said that he wanted even more
Success,
The world asked no questions
And just gave him all he wanted
And more.
When he became the most successful
Person of all time,
The world never paused
And asked what he'd done to deserve it,
It simply asked
If he wanted more. 

Poor man,
Never held back 
By anyone
Or anything. 
The moment they saw him
The world hated his guts
And wished him dead,
But in its cruelty 
The world insisted that he be left alive
And untouched.
Wherever he went
He made more enemies than friends,
But the world never stopped him
Even as it destroyed his chances 
At getting
What most believe he really wants.

Wretched and pitiable,
His record of carnage
Is written in stone for all to see.
Immortalized in the language of hatred,
Deprived of a chance at redemption,
Refused a chance to win over anyone's trust.
Elon Musk stands alone
On a pillar of his own making,
Quaking in terror at the thought
That he might one day be pushed off. 

Pity poor Elon Musk,
For it is impossible to sympathize 
With someone incapable of creating something good,
And impossible to justify 
The decision of everyone
To let him stay in power. 
Pity a man
Who reminds us of a cruel world
That won't hold us back when we need it.
Pity him,
For any one of us could have been him,
And his fate is not one that I'd wish on anyone.

    It feels amazing to just get rid of some junk sometimes. Even if you're not making any forward progress and you know full well that you'll just replace it with new junk, sometimes moving on feels like a huge relief. All I have to do is clear out the rest of the junk in my bedroom, and I'll be ready to move to a home. 

     What do people think about watching old documentaries? I have a old series of documentaries from 1982 called Planet Earth. Not to be confused with BBCs Planet Earth, this is a series on geology. I inherited it from my grandfather when he passed away, I can't watch it because it's on tape, but I recently discovered that the whole series was uploaded to YouTube at some point. Now I'm wondering if it's worth the time to watch a documentary series that over forty years old. I don't think that geology has changed as much as biology, but I know that science can change rapidly. Still, I remember really liking the parts that I saw. I also think that old documentaries can be helpful for recording what people thought the world looked like at that point in time. I'll watch it then, and keep everyone updated on how well I think it's aged. 

Better

 I deserve better.
That's what the demon
Tempting me says.
I deserve better
Than what I have now.
I deserve better 
Than what I will get.
I deserve better 
Than what my heart thinks
That I actually want. 

    I'll be glad when the November Election is over, but I'm grateful that Kamala seems to know just how sensitive people are about supporting a candidate who overtly supports Israel.

An Unsettling Realization

 I keep assuring myself 
That we're in danger,
That the whole world depends
On the decisions that I make.
But then I remember
Something unsettling;
Do video game protagonists
Know how many times they've died? 
How do I know 
If I'm allowed to live
Only once? 

     Today's election day where I am, primaries for various state offices mostly. I'd talk about how much I want certain candidates to win, but nowadays I'm just grateful when someone I want to vote for shows up on the ballot at all. Everything feels so uncertain, and I keep wishing for that person who will take the world where I want it to go. They wouldn't win, but it would be nice to believe that in the future I could actually live in the country that I grew up in. I know, I'm not the only person who feels dissatisfied. If I was, we'd be voting for Joe Biden instead of Kamala Harris this November. I don't know what's going to happen, but by this point, so long as I can pretend everything will be alright, I don't think that it's worth complaining.

Show and Tell

 Tell me what you think is real.
Tell me what you think
Matters above all else.
Stand in front 
Of who you love most
And show us what
You think is real.
Show me what you think
Our world should be built around.
Show me what
We should remember
A thousand years from now.
Show me what 
Our world will see
Whenever it hears your name.
Show us what you know is real,
Tell us why you feel that way.
Tell me why you think
It matters
Above all else.
And show the world
So everyone will know
What reality is. 

    I'll never fully understand reality. No one will. That's a good thing, though. It means there's always more to discover, if we look for it, and new ways to build worlds when we find out the old one's don't work. I find the idea that our world is unknowable comforting. So long as I keep learning, there will always be something in this world to believe in. 

     My mother showed me The Atomic Café the other day, and it's kind of inspired me to watch some more movies about what would happen in the event of a nuclear war. I'm aware that global warming is a massive issue that our politicians are doing nothing about, but I didn't grasp how horrifying it would be to live in a world where your life depended on nobody pressing a certain button. Especially since global warming, with all of it's downsides, isn't so horrible that you consider yourself lucky to die in the initial attack. I wonder why people don't talk about the cold war all that much. I feel like it explains a lot about boomers. As someone not facing that fate (yet), there is something oddly calming about these films. We came way too close to disaster, but in the end we managed to convince our politicians not to act like total jackasses. Maybe there's hope for us yet. 

Waiting

 I'm waiting for the moment
That my old world ends
And my new life begins.
I'm waiting for the day
That I'll find where I belong.
I'm waiting for the day
That I can finally prove
That the world as I see it is real. 

    Is it just me, or did it feel like July went on for way too long? I know, we're all terrified of what November will bring and also desperate to get it over with. Look, I don't know if we're going to be able to handle another Trump term. Like everyone else, I'm hoping that Kamala will win. But one thing I've learned is that the worst thing you can do when disaster is on the horizon is to put of its arrival. Let it come, and then you can learn what you need to do in order to survive. As someone who's watched her life collapse a few times, trust me; even if we're facing extinction, we'll be much happier when we're not staring doom in the face every day.