It's the last post of September, a month where, like most months, a lot of stuff happened, and I didn't pay attention to most of it because I find that after a certain point, crazy things start to feel boring. It doesn't help that I've stopped believing in society. If what I see online is any indication, soon I'll have company. 

The Worth of a Person

They say the worth of a person 
Comes from the things they give.
If that's the truth,
Then I want to be worth nothing.
I'm tired of a world that only takes
And never gives back.
Give me a world in which I am nothing
But a leech. 

   In order to escape from a failed Dreamworld, we first have to accept that it was never real in the first place. This is hard, especially if we don't have a backup, and I think that our world was purposely designed so there would be no way to have a backup Dreamworld. There are a lot of small, weak Dreamworlds, and they may be dismissed, but if I'm unable to live in our Dreamworld because it's no longer real enough to protect me from the Infinite, it's only a matter of time before people elect to live in these one's instead. Even a fool will leave when he's become unhappy. 

The Moment

 I wish this moment could last forever,
The moment before a change,
The moment before our time has ended
And we see into tomorrow.

I wish this peace could be eternal,
This peace that never was,
This peace that was only ever meant to exist
Within the depths of my heart.

     I feel that for humans, the Infinite goes deeper than it does for most of Earth's creatures. I think that when we get angry at a person with power, we aren't angry at the person wearing the mask that grants them authority, we're angry at those who gave them the authority in the first place. For every billionaire, celebrity, and great thinker, there are millions, perhaps billions, of people creating false versions of those they worship, beings of air and light who could be destroyed in an instant, some acting as decoys, others acting as proxy for the real thing. I can't help but wonder if the reason we force everyone to work isn't because we need to, but because if people didn't have to buy into the idea that power is special and desirable, everything the rich depend on would fall apart in an instant. 

Sunlight

 Cresting over the horizon
I see the sun rise,
I see the dawn of a new day.

Our world is in shambles,
Our old lives are over,
How dare I think that things might
Actually get better?

All around me
I hear people scream,
Hear them beg
To be listened to 
By those they put in charge. 

Within me
My heart is pounding.
I know we will fight.
I know we can win.
I know that those
Who claim to know our needs
Better than us
Will soon be ousted,
If not worse.

Cresting over the horizon
I see the sun rise,
I see the dawn of a new day.
A day when our hopes and dreams
May at last
Become reality.

Hear my call
My fellow inmates,
Hear me 
As I scream for a world
That will let me live
The life I want to live.
A life that will bring me joy 
At last. 

    Every once in a very long while, I'll get a view from someone I know can't possibly be me. It happens so rarely that I don't let it affect my writing all that much, but sometimes I pretend that one day my mystery reader will recommend me to someone who's exactly as weird as I am. I'm so niche that I doubt I'll go viral, but I started this blog with the hopes that it might help me find people who find the world as unwelcoming as I do. I hope, someday, to succeed in finding them. 

    One of the downsides of writing posts two days a week is that Friday winds up becoming your second least favorite day after Monday. Not because it's one of the only days I write, I actually write more on days when I'm not writing for the blog, it's just that someone could somehow find this, magically, and I feel the need to write something I don't mind people reading. 

A Cruise

 A boat out in nowhere,
Sailing the seas,
Its passengers lost and confused.

They say they'll have fun,
They say they'll be happy,
But from what I see
They just don't know where else to go. 

     Like most people, I don't think that we'll go extinct. I've seen the models, read the stories, and heard the warnings of the soothsayers, but that doesn't mean that I think it's true. It could be the one path we're meant to take, but even if I'm the last person alive, I'll never believe that it's the end until it's over. I don't think anyone, even the scientists, really think that we'll die out. The image of a world without us isn't a thing that we're capable of imagining. Because of that, I don't really think there's anything we can physically do to prevent the end. We can horde, we can grow, we can fight for our place, but we'll never, ever, be able to do the one thing that will stop us from dying out. Our future will forever remain in the hands of others, and in order to survive, we absolutely, positively, cannot accept this. 

Step at a Time

 One step at a time
I push myself out into
A world I don't want

    Lately I keep missing the past. I didn't have such a good childhood, and I wasn't the kind of person who felt like we lost something when the internet came along, but there are times when I realize that the kids being born today will never see the world that I grew up in. They won't know what it's like to grow up thinking that history truly was in the past, that all we had to do was work past a few minor conflicts. I'd like to think that the world has changed for the better, somehow, but even if that was true, I'll never see the world of my childhood again. I'm not devastated, but I do feel a little sad. In a few decades, my world will mean nothing to people. How do you cope with something like that? 

Where Am I?

 I am not evil.
I am kind.
I am good.
I fight for what's right.
So why can't I seem to do the right thing?

I dream of a world
Where right and wrong
Are as different 
As night and day.

So why can't I see the right answer?

I don't know where I am.
Am I the person who does the right thing?
Am I the person who does what she wants
No matter the price others
Have to pay?

I can't be evil.
I need to be kind.
I need to be good.
I need to fight for what's right.

Because if I can't save the world,
Then what chance does everyone else have? 

    There are all of these goals that we're trying to achieve; becoming a more equal society, stopping environmental destruction, achieving world peace, and a lot of other things. What I wonder is what we'll do once we've achieved those goals. Saving our environment is lovely, but what if we could undo the damage, or even build something better? Will equality be all that we need to make sure everyone feels valuable? What if we peace is impossible? I've heard it said that we, as a species, can't think very far ahead. What if it turns out that, without new goals to work towards, we start unraveling the old ones just to give ourselves something to do? 

     When I was young, I used to retreat to a Universe that was like ours in every way, except only I could access it. I would go there to experiment with my appearance, wander around the empty streets near my house, or travel to far off places. As I grew older and more independent, I grew to rely less on my perfect world, and instead started trying to figure out what the closest thing to a Utopia we could build was. I picture a world where nobody has to work, everyone has a hobby, and there are large community gatherings every single day. It's not a whole, complete world, and even if I spend my entire life fighting for it, I know I couldn't possibly make it real. But I believe in it nevertheless. Every Dreamworld needs a beginning, and what better beginning could there be but a new version of heaven? 

A Choice

 Which would you rather be;
The writer,
Or the protagonist? 

    I realize that I'm much luckier than most, but I feel as though society has never made any effort to meet me halfway. They say the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but healthy relationships don't involve one side kicking and screaming in order to get what they want. I don't think society is attempting to meet anyone on their turf, and some are actively trying to alienate as many people as possible. 

Ideas

 I worry sometimes
About running out of ideas,
But then a story falls from the heavens.
I wish that I knew
How to pen a story
With my mind alone. 

     For as long as I can remember, I've had no desire to participate in society. Social interactions overwhelm and confuse me, and I lack the latent desire most people have to try and win people over. Lately, though, the fact that I have no desire to be a part of this world is starting to bother me. Even if I could be immensely rich, I just don't feel like I'd be happy unless I could avoid people at all costs. Yet most people seem perfectly happy to talk to others, at least in casual settings. Is it people I don't like? Or is it the world they live in? 

The Golden Chalice

 Heated until it melts,
Poured into a mold,
Can it be anything 
Other than what it was meant to be?

Useful only for show,
A demonstration of power
And greed.
It sits 
Doing nothing
And can only hold so much.

It is surrounded by others,
Cups and bowls
And things meant 
Only for utility.
Not unloved,
But unlike gold
They are rarely noticed.

Their existence
Is defined by their purpose,
Their usefulness
To the ones who made them
And the ones who claimed them
For their own use.

But unlike us
Gold can be melted down,
Remade,
Reshaped,
Used for another purpose
Then what it was originally meant 
To do.

Can we ever
Escape 
The mold we were poured into? 

    There's a reckoning to be had in the United States. I refuse to believe that the right will lay down and take any defeat quietly, and at some point the majority of the left will finally realize that the only way things seem to get done these days is to either ignore the rules entirely or twist them to your own personal gain. We're already at a point where billionaires have more direct control of our lives than politicians, and it's not like we can hold elections to replace the ones who can't or don't want to run the country properly. What makes democracy work is the idea that if the system really isn't working, you can change it. Elect new politicians, push through new rules, discuss things with your representatives, somehow you'll always be able to change things. Until the day you can't.  

    I think the core issue with society is that we aren't allowed to choose who we want to be. If you're parents are rich, you'll be pressured to continue their lifestyle. If you're parents are poor, you'll be held up as an example if you escape, but otherwise the world won't care about you at all or help you succeed. We try and justify this system by saying that the rich are smart and eloquent while the poor are stupid and ugly, but then you take a really good look at the rich people in our world and realize that there are a lot of people who are a lot poorer than them who are much nicer, more polite, and have more things to say. When it's so obvious to anyone with eyeballs that wealth doesn't make people better and poverty doesn't mean that you're a bad person, is anyone surprised when society is filled to the brim with stupidity? 

Good Enough

 I've spent my whole life learning to be perfect,
The perfect daughter,
The perfect student,
The perfect friend.
I've spent my whole life learning to be perfect,
How do I learn to be good enough?

     I'm one of those people who does the right thing because most of the time it's the smart thing to do. As someone who's of the mindset that morality is only helpful when people benefit from it, the rise of fascism among the elite bothers me. Even if they don't know about the Infinite, surely they know that their world is only real as long as they can convince people that it exists. It's not as though society is on par with the Universe in terms of reality. It only exists on Earth, and the only things that maintain its existence are humans. From that perspective, wouldn't you want a society that's as opening and welcoming as possible, somewhere that at least ninety-percent of humanity to could live in? If you don't have that, society is unstable. War becomes the best you can hope for, anarchy will almost always happen if you wait for long enough. 

Stars

 All through the darkness
A new world is born,
Out of matter condensing together.
Catching fire,
Burning up,
Emitting light throughout our inner cosmos.
All throughout the worlds we share,
Stars are being born.

     I wasn't trying to defend Elon Musk, but in light of the recent reminders I've seen that he bought Twitter specifically to platform hate speech, I'm forced to admit that even if he'd built his own platform from the ground up he'd still be an evil asshole. I confess, I don't go into the wilds of Twitter anymore. I just check what the people I follow are up to and leave it at that. I figured, however, that if Elon Musk wanted a website built for assholes, he should have that. Even I have limits, though, and trying to kill people for the crime of existing is just going too far. It is perfectly possible to go through life never saying anything racist, anti-Semitic, homophobic, transphobic or Ableist and still be an asshole. I'd even go so far as to argue that you have to work to be that evil in this day and age. Sorry, Elon Muskrat. Even if you were to dial it back, you've gone too far. History will forever vilify you, and I don't feel the least bit sorry. 

The Answer

 I write
Everyday,
Hoping that within words
I'll find the answer
To the question
My heart won't stop asking.

If I'm always speaking,
Then why is nobody listening?

I have no answer.
I don't know if I know nothing,
Or if I can't find the one person
Willing to listen.

So I write.
Because there's nothing else I can do. 

    Technically, it's the day before labor day, but I'm not suspending any of my poetry sessions. I have to say, it feels weird to be in a position where holidays don't matter. They could matter, I suppose, if I wanted to risk my rather fragile mental health, but after having my psyche destroyed by college I don't think that it's worth it. It's weird. If you had asked me at the time, I'd have said that I wanted to be in college forever, mostly because opting out of work isn't supposed to be an option unless you're insanely wealthy. Yet here I am, admitting it publicly because I don't think it should be a crime to not want to work in this day and age. We're a world of developed societies, why should we devote most of our life to creating wealth we will not benefit from? 

    It's eleven pm on Friday night as I'm writing this. I'm just finding it hard to find new things to say. After writing about how Elon Musk could have built his own private world in so many ways, I keep seeing the ways in which the wealthy seem to have carved up society for their own benefit. As a Dreamer, I understand why, but as a civilian, I'm not sure why we're letting them. Actually, I'm not sure why we WERE letting them. We're not letting them destroy our lives anymore, and that's a good thing. 

A Better Friend

 How do I learn to be a better friend?
What will it take to learn 
To say what's on my mind?
When will I learn that it's alright to say
That I wanted to be your friend for a reason?