Can I just say that trying to find a job is extremely stressful, especially when you don't have a car? Granted, most of my issue is that I'm not that good at handling rejection, especially imagined rejection, so that's most of my problem. I'm just tired of staring at my future and thinking "Okay, I'm done with school, Now what?"

The World According to Kristen

     I've been waiting for things to change for a while now. The storyteller in me doesn't want to believe we went through a pandemic only to learn basically nothing. I realize that, in all likelihood, that's exactly what happened. The pandemic was a reminder, on a large scale, that the world doesn't care about us. Or rather, that the universe doesn't care about what happens to humanity. Even on earth, were only one out of thousands of species, if we die, someone will take over where we left off. No one wants to know that. So now we're trying our best to forget about it, to put it behind us, to pretend that it was just a fluke. 

     But whether or not it was just a fluke isn't the point. The point isn't that there's any inherent meaning in what happens to us, the point is that we take what happens to us and give it meaning. The act of living and making choices is an act of saying that those choices matter. And I don't like the feeling that we're forgetting it because it's easier than confronting the horrible truth that the universe at large doesn't care about us, not even as pawns. I don't like the idea that when confronted with the truth, all we know how to do is to plug our ears, not try to spin a different narrative, not try to find a way to grow from this awful experience, not remind ourselves that just because our world doesn't care about us doesn't mean that our choices don't have meaning or value. 

    Call me crazy, but I don't think our universe exists to protect us from the evil of other's if we follow it's whims. I don't even think our universe understands good and evil. All the universe is is a place we can change to suit our needs, something we do every day without realizing it. We use this power constantly, whether or not we're aware of that fact, and I for one think denying that fact is deeply irresponsible of us. I think it's important to remember that it's not just human's that do this, everything in our universe is doing this constantly. If the pandemic taught us anything, it's that we as people aren't powerless, our actions, or inaction, will affect the world whether we want it to or not. Society can't protect us from consequences, it can only give us plausible deniability. 

     I think I'm officially over the world being in a miserable state. 

The Heartbeat of Humanity

 Pressure
Builds beneath the surface
Of a blocked blood vessel.
Only a matter of time
Before it bursts
Killing all that surrounds it.

All around me are people
Holding in their pain,
Suppressing it,
Trying to ignore it.
Flashes of anger,
Waves of sadness,
Moments when one's will to live wavers.
Keep all of these hidden
Lest you're cast out forever.

The heartbeat of humanity
Grows more and more unsteady.
Yet nobody seems to hear it.
Nobody seems to know it's even there.
They know how they feel
But they can't see those emotions reflected around them.
Pain felt by all.
Pain close to bursting out
And destroying the world we hold dear.

How much longer until the 
Heartbeat of humanity
Shuts down for good?

     I'm thinking I might try writing lore for a world I've been building. I love it, but it's not that good, so it's perfect for this blog. 

    I'm trying to come up with standalone short story Ideas. As someone who spends way too much time world building, it's proving more difficult than I anticipated. 

     Spring has come to Washington state. It's kind of nice to see the sun out. It'll be less fun when the temperature warms up I'm sure. 

Thoughts on Frog Fractions

    I don't have a lot to say, except that I'm not entirely sure this game has a point. Not because it's random and doesn't really have a plot to speak of, but because the gameplay isn't deep enough to be interesting, hard enough to be frustrating, or really fun in any way. There are some kind of funny moments, but nothing that made me laugh out loud. Maybe it's supposed to parody other games, but I don't know what parts of those games it was parodying. 

  Most of the time, I can see what somebody was going for, so I know that it fell flat or wasn't executed well. But here, I don't know if the lack of point was intentional, if it was supposed to just be weird for the sake of being weird, or if the weirdness was meant to make you laugh or shrug. It's not really weird enough to be either in my opinion. There are a few interesting moments, but overall I think the games to boring to really stick out in my mind. 

All the World's a Stage, Chapter 7

   The stream is out. “The Future” is finally out for all to enjoy, all fifty people who were around when I ended it a four o’clock. On unfortunate fact about normalcy, I have to end before my neighbor’s show up. 

   As soon as I finish, I check my email, hoping for responses to my many job application. So far, I’ve had two requests for an interview, one from an office in Seattle, one from the grocery store. I interviewed for both, though I haven’t heard anything back. There aren’t any requests for interview in my inbox, but there is an email from Nina. I forgot I gave her my personal email back when she first joined. 

    I open the email. It reads, “Hey Ellen, How’s life? Thing’s have been crazy since you left. It got so bad we all decided to give the boss what for, and when he kept pushing us, we all quit within a week. Lucy apparently has another job lined up already, but Maryann and I didn’t. We were wondering if you had any luck so far. As for non-work-related things, how would you like to hang out sometime? We’ve all missed having you around. Sincerely, Nina Cravitz”

    I reply, “Hey Nina, no luck with job searching so far. I got a couple of interviews but haven’t gotten any further than that. It’s alright though, I’ve been using my free time to relax and recuperate from the crazy year we’ve had. Hopefully I’ll get something soon. I’d love to hang out with you guys if I get the chance. Thank you, Ellen Thompson.”

    I look over it before I send it. It’s not a bold-faced lie, but it feels pretty close to it. I’m trying to stretch my money out, but between rent and student loans it’s going to be tight. I should probably apply for unemployment, but I don’t know if I’ll qualify, since I doubt the state considers “invested in crypto” to be a good enough reason to quit. I could ask my parents for money for food at least. Or maybe I could pawn some of my things.

   I look over the responses to my stream. Surprisingly, most people seem to like my music. I know only a few people listen, but since I’ve had no formal training, I was sure I’d suck at it. At least one person wants to know when “The Future” will be officially released. I don’t know, but soon, I hope. 

   I don’t see anyone wanting to financially support me. It’s alright. I’m struggling, but it’s not dire like it is for many other people right now. 

   I consider looking at Julius Corvin’s YouTube page again, then stop him. I bought all the music from him I’m ever going to listen to, all I’ll be doing is increasing his ad revenue. Even if he’s renounced NFTs, which deep down I suspect he hasn’t, I’ll never again be convinced he’s a good person. 

   That’s one good thing about not being famous. No matter what I do, there’s a limit to the amount of people I can disappoint. 

   I check my email again and notice that Nina’s already replied. I wonder if she’s at her computer for the same reason I am. I open the email, which says, “I looked you up online to find you on social media. I didn’t know you sang. It’s a bit rough, but it could be improve with practice. I have a friend who helps people learn music. Email me and I’ll give you his contact info.”

   I think for a bit. I would love to get better at singing, but if I’m honest I’m growing to love writing lyrics and music more. At first I only wrote music so I wouldn’t get flagged by YouTube for copyright infringement, but then overtime I started to feel more comfortable expressing myself. I write back, “I’d love to get better, but money’s a bit tight at the moment. Glad to hear you like it though. Want to friend each other on Facebook?” 

    After I send it off, I refresh the web page in the hopes something shows up. Nothing still. Whatever, something’s going to turn up soon, I’m sure of it. Or at least I’m telling myself I’m sure, so I don’t freak out. To aid in the effort to not completely freak out, I go online to look for anything I haven’t applied for yet. I send out a lot more. At least now, when I end up homeless, no one can say it was because I didn’t try. Just in case I refresh the page again, and there’s an email from the grocery store with the subject line reading, “Are you free to start tomorrow at 5pm?”. Well, night shifts suck, but at the moment I can’t complain. I email back saying “Yes. I’ll be there.” 

   I open my webcam again. It’s time to finish “The Future” for real. I don’t know if it’ll be my big success, the song that will finally enable me to stop worrying about money forever and do what I want with my life, I just know that it’s my favorite song. I also know that no matter how hard I end up having to work in my next job, I’ll never stop singing. If I keep belting out tunes, eventually somebody will listen to what I have to say. 

The Future

 A song by Ellen Thompson
Is this my present, or is it a prison?
I belt out my thoughts but nobody wants to listen.
Have I committed a cardinal sin? Will I ever be forgiven?

Because this isn't the life I was planning on living.

My parents always told me that tomorrow was today.
Nothing was better at pushing dreams away.
My dreams would never change the world, what more is there to say?

I never dreamed that thing's would be different one day.

Is this my present, or is it a prison?
I thought things would stay the same, but even the climate's inconsistent.
Have I committed a cardinal sin, will I ever be forgiven?
Am I doomed to sing so badly that nobody wants to listen?

I try to think of the moment and not think about tomorrow.
To do anything else leaves me overwhelmed with sorrow.
They told me my greatness would only grow and grow,
So now I'm left paying interest on the time I borrowed.

Is this my present, or is it a prison?
I scream out my thoughts but nobody wants to listen.
What sin have I committed? How will I be forgiven?
Because I hope to god this isn't the only life I'll live in.

People keep saying that life is getting better,
They say the future's bright if we only worked together,
But the mathematicians among us say things can't go up forever,
So the bad times we're stuck in is something we must whether.

Is this my present, or is it a prison?
I don't know why I'm talking, nobody's going to listen.
Tell me what's going wrong, so that I can be forgiven,
Or else let me die, because I can't remember living.

Those of us in glass houses don't dare throw a stone,
But it would be nice if those in charge would throw us a bone,
I want to live in a community, not die poor and alone.
But as I sit and suffer, our kings sit on their thrones.

Is this my present, is it a prison?
I'll sing my song forever, somebody has to listen.
Through hard work and contribution, I'm sure I'll be forgiven,
And someday soon, I'm sure, I'll love the life I'm living.