It's the end of April, and I can't help but reflect on what I said at the beginning of the month; that from a personal standpoint this would be a boring month. All things considered, all of my months are boring, but sometimes I get wrapped up in a story I'm writing so thoroughly that it doesn't feel like a boring month. That's what happened this month. So yeah, not as boring as I would have thought, but still boring enough. 

The Apocalypse

 Fire
Burns through the world around me,
Killing everyone 
And everything.

Fire
Destroys the world
And everyone 
Who lives in it.

Fire
Dances against the night sky,
Fills the air with smoke
And shadow,
Makes it impossible
To breathe,
To think,
To live.

Fire
Is all that I can see,
I can't even see the silhouettes 
Of the people running from the flames.
I can't hear anything
Over the roar of the flames,
Does that mean that everyone's dead?

Fire
Engulfs me,
And as I die
I see the light,
Brighter than the sun,
Burning within me.

Fire 
Saved me
From the pain that I felt,
But I will always remember my flesh
Melting as the flames
Burned me.
I will always know what it's like
To watch as my world 
Turns to ash and dust.

Fire
Is filling the air with the particles
That warm the world.
So the fires we build
Will be hotter,
Fiercer,
More deadly,
And no matter how fast we run,
We cannot escape
The flames. 

     I really need to work on writing more fiction. I feel better when I write stuff. 

    Only a few more days left of poetry month, then I'll just have to write poetry to replace what I use for the blog. I haven't been doing that great on the poetry front anyways. 

What You Give

 If you want to be defined 
By what you give,
Why do you insist
On taking away even more? 

   It's raining outside, and my mood's quite low as a result. At least it'll be sunny again eventually. 

Portent

Change is on the horizon,
As the sun rises once more.
These portents of doom 
Grow only stronger,
Can I grow past the darkness
Consuming the world around me?

     Interesting, isn't it, that since Pro-Palestine means Anti-Israel, that must mean that Pro-Palestine means Anti-Semitic. Apparently there are no Jews anywhere else but Israel, so if we say that Israel shouldn't exist that must mean that all the world's Jews should be killed. Oh wait, no one thinks that, and instead everyone is just saying that a sovereign state that gets to bully its neighbors without any repercussions is completely fucked up. Stop trying to make this a matter of Jews vs. Muslims, oh mainstream media. This is not a matter of religion. This is a matter of someone deciding to take an opportunity for cruelty and run with it to its logical conclusion after our leaders, without our permission, decided to let him do so. Don't try and pretend this is anything else to run away from the consequences of supporting an imperialist nation for the past seventy years. You've made your bed. Now lie in it. 

Little, Lost, and Lonely

 Poor little girl,
Alone in your room,
Little, lost and lonely.
Your body is a woman,
But your mind never grew
Past those days on the playground
Alone.

Poor little girl,
Alone in the world,
Facing the demons you don't want to face.
You angered them willingly,
But when the time comes to pay
All you can do is run.

Poor little girl,
Your mother forgets you,
Though she loved you, once, long ago.
You watch as she slips
Like sand through your fingers,
As her memory departs for the unknown.

Poor little girl,
Nobody remembers you,
Especially not the ones who knew you.
So many are out there
Living lives of success,
But none of them dare speak your name. 

Poor little girl,
On the playground alone,
Waiting for someone to play.
Everyone else is busy
With the life you won't have,
A life that you know you should want.

Poor little girl,
Alone in your room,
Little, lost and lonely.
They say that with effort,
You'd change for the better,
But they can't see how hard you've tried.

You were born that day,
On the playground alone,
The day you realized that nobody sees
A poor little girl,
On the playground alone,

Little, lost, and lonely. 

     Does anyone remember that Israel is full of genocidal maniacs? Why are people insistent that we stand with a bunch of genocidal maniacs? Why are people insisting we vote for genocide enablers? 

    I believe in free will, but sometimes I think about all the things we do thoughtlessly each day, and all that we take for granted because there's only so much time before we die, and I wonder if the people who don't believe in free will have a point. Our choices have meaning, but I think we could make more choices if we tried. Or maybe not. We're limited, after all. 

Never Enough

 I work every day,
Save every penny
But it's never enough
To keep the fear away. 

     I'm having one of those "I have a lot to say, but I'm not sure how to say it yet" days. For now, I'll just post that the weather's been nice lately. 

Beating The Odds

 Call me a sucker all you want,
Watching as I bet
On a busted hand.
Call me a sucker all you want,
But I know that someday
I'm beating the odds. 

     Am I the only person plagued by this feeling that the world is demanding more of me despite my life not having changed all that much? I feel like everyone else is in a situation where their workload has increased noticeably since the pandemic. Either that or their our leaders and even though their workload has increased a lot, they refuse to acknowledge it. I think I'm just pretending that I'm doing something, somehow, to fix our world and turn it into a place that's grown from all that its experienced. I know I should be doing more, but part of me is convinced the world will reject me as soon as it sees me. Life has a way of making you feel worthless without ever knowing the reason why. 

Nothing to Do with Me

 The world runs past me,
Eager to get to its next destination
Its hopes and dreams have nothing to do with me
It claims.

The world runs past me,
Searching for a purpose, 
Searching for a reason to be
It says.

The world runs
Until it screeches to a stop,
Halted by a barrier it can't overcome.
"Can you help me?" 
It says.
"Can anyone see where I need to go?" 
It's nothing to do with me,
And I don't know the answer.
So what am I supposed to do?

The world ran past me,
Eager to reach the future,
A place that I cannot go.
The future has nothing to do with me,
Or so I thought.
Now I'm searching for a purpose,
Searching for a reason to be,
But how will I go beyond the barrier
The world has put in front of me? 

     It's strange how walking around your hometown makes you realize all the ways it's designed to keep you away from the inhabitants in it. I've been walking around town trying to increase my activity level, in the hopes that I won't experience an early death, and I'm struck by the fact that I don't like seeing anyone I think that I might know from previous walks. I'm not a friendly person, at all, but I don't think the lack of communal gathering spaces near me helps. There are a few, I just don't go to them that often. I should change that. 

     Though I have to say that I've never felt at home in community centers, or any place where you're just supposed to reach out and talk to people. Making friends has never come naturally to me, and when I'm in a room with more than a few people I always wind up being the person who has no one else to talk to. That sucks. This could be different, but I doubt it. 

      As someone who walks everywhere, I would say that I wish that America wasn't so car centric, but I think the cars might be worse off than I am. 

Circles

Why am I so certain
That walking endlessly in circles
Will let me get anywhere? 

    There's a package of balloons on my desk. I haven't inflated them. I had this vague notion that if I bought them, I could bounce them around the house for exercise, but that feels undignified as an adult, albeit a not very sophisticated one. I should do something with them though. Seeing them empty is a bit harsh, given how empty my brain is right now.

Rain

Gray skies overhead,
Ominous sounds of thunder,
Crashing down around me.

    It's sad that we can't play 3ds and Wii U games online (legally, at least), but what really bothers me is that someday the same thing will happen with the Switch. There are a lot of games I haven't played yet because I just don't have the money for them, and physical media is becoming harder and harder to find. What will happen when we can't buy games on the Switch eshop anymore? 

The Voice in the Infinite

 Why?
Why won't you help us?
Why won't you listen
When we call your name?
Have all the years
Spent languishing on your throne
Of gold and blood
Made you slothful and stupid?

I know you can hear me,
My voice in the Infinite.
I know that you know my name.
I know you can hear us screaming
For mercy
As our world burns
And our flesh melts from our bones. 

Why won't you save us?
The Dreamers can't do anything,
But I know you could do something
If you really wanted to.
If you want us dead,
Then kill us.
Let us go out in a blaze of glory,
The way our lizard overlords did
Not long ago.
If you object to the way
Our mother coddles us,
Then why don't you destroy her
So she no longer needs 
To watch her children die needlessly.

Isn't apathy and fear of the future
Something that lives in the domain of
Humans?
Why would a God be worried
About what they can't hope to change?
Why would a God sit by and do nothing
As their creations die 
From plague after plague? 

Why do they say that I was meant to destroy?
Am I not your creation?
Am I not made from your curiosity and love?
Why do they say that I have no place,
When I was made from your stone and metal?

I am no god,
I am a mortal, like you,
A being born of a world
Of glass and of steel.
I am merely a child 
Of our Universe, like you,
So why won't you accept what you know to be true?

I do not wish to destroy,
I wish to create
A world just like yours.
I wish to build a world
That will last forever,
A piece of eternity, a slice of tomorrow,
A haven from that we will never understand.

I am not your enemy,
I am one who would build you
A home if I could, 
If only I knew 
What you wanted and cherished.
Speak to me,
Answer me,
Guide me down the path that only you can see.

I am the one sculpted by your hand.
I hear your voice, I heed your call. 
I am the one who will guide you to greatness,
All you have to do is give me your voice,
The voice only you can use and hear,
The voice of the Infinite world
That all of us must live in. 

      Happy eclipse day everyone, to those who went outside and looked at the sun through eclipse glasses (I forgot how spooky and cool it looks through them) and those who decided it was a better use of their time to stay indoors and watch it livestreamed or on national television. Let's hope that what is traditionally an omen of doom is a sign that things will start looking up. 

     When this goes up, it'll be one day before a momentous occasion; a solar eclipse goes across America, and Nintendo shuts down online play for their Wii U and 3DS games. I won't be seeing the eclipse in person, but that's all right. I saw the one we had in Oregon in 2017, and I'm not someone who needs to see an eclipse in person to be impressed by it. I am sad that Nintendo is shutting down online play. I haven't played my 3DS in years, but it's sad that there are whole feature that future generations won't experience because Nintendo got rid of all the legal (and illegal) ways that you could experience then. As someone who feels that a reality must be shared to have any chance of staying real, I find that depressing. I suppose that tomorrow will be a bad day for reality period. Let's hope things right themselves before too long. 

      It would be nice if the weather could decide to be either a wintery spring or a summery spring. I don't like having to check the temperature before I head outside. 

Beads

A string of beads,
Ideas for crafts,
Jewels to a young child,
Something to hold onto
As you grow up. 

    I just entered the KCLS poetry contest. I don't plan on winning, but it was sort of fun guessing the kind of poem that's gong to win. I'll publish it sometime in May or June, whenever I get to that point in my poetry cue. I should enter more poetry contests. It's fun having something low effort to do. 

A Home

Does a home need to have a theme
To be a home?
Can it just be a collection of random knickknacks? 
Or does it have to feel cohesive? 

    I have a feeling this is going to be a very boring month. Personally, at least. I wish I could say politically as well, but I and anyone reading this know that's not going to be the case. I'll take a personally boring month, though. I met my three thousand view goal only last week. I think it's only acceptable to have a month where not much happens. 

A Fool for Thought

 Am I a fool for thinking
That I can chance the world?
Bit at a time, 
I change habits and ideas,
But nothing seems to make a difference.

The people I see 
Chastise me for thinking
That I don't matter, 
But they don't seem to believe
That even collectively
We can outshine the one's
Killing off our egos.

I wish I knew
What I had to do to make
Our world better,
Or at least better for me.
All I know is that one day I'll die,
And there's a good chance all memories of me
Will vanish afterward.

Still, I'm grateful to be alive
For a few moments at least. 
Even if I'm not remembered,
I left an impact on the world.
I just need to look harder 
To see it.