I can’t keep my eyes open, but I’m so on edge I don’t want to drink any coffee. The moment I walked in the door my boss started in on me for being unable to keep up with work. I swear I finished everything yesterday, but there was so much stuff on my desk that apparently should have been done ages ago, and I honestly can’t remember if I needed to do it or not.
I keep trying to work, only to have numbers disappear from my mind. Is this what it feels like when you’re developing Alzheimer? Or I’m I just too tired to be here?
I want to work. I never wanted to be one of those people who leeches off of their parents until their parents die, then pretends they aren’t dead so they can continue to collect social security. But my “I want to quit sticky not is completely filled with marks” and I don’t know if that’s because I didn’t replace it this morning, or because I just thought that a thousand times in the two hours I’ve been here.
If there weren’t so much work, I’d hide in a bathroom stall and cry. This is just too much for me to manage. It would have been too much two years ago, now it just feels like the world is crushing me.
I walk over to the water cooler. I just can’t face work right now. I pick up a cup, fill it, then just stare at the wall. Lucy walks over to me and says, “Shouldn’t you be working right now?”
I’m not in the mood for this. “Shouldn’t you?” I growl.
She sighs and says, “Well at least we should have more people soon.” She says.
“Who told you that? A time share salesman?”
“No. One of my friends in another department said that the owner is planning on making some investments that will allow the company to grow.”
“What sort of investments?” I ask.
“I’m not sure.” Lucy replies. “I think it was something to do with blockchains.”
I gulp down my water and toss my cup in the trash. I walk to my boss’ office and bang on the door. He opens it and says, “What is it, Ellen?”
“There’s something I need to ask you.” I say.
“Can it wait?” He says.
I think for a bit, then I reply, “No.”
He leads me into his office. Apparently once you’re a manager, you no longer have to stay in an enclosed room with no windows. Outside, I can see people going about their day. “What is it?” my boss asks.
“Is it true that the owner is planning on getting involved in cryptocurrency?” I ask.
“What does this have to do with your job?” He asks, annoyed.
“Just tell me.” I say.
He sighs and says, “You have to promise not to tell anyone I told you this, but yes, he is planning on branching out into investments involving the blockchain. I’m told he feels that the only way for the company to grow is if we branch out and do more in the metaverse.”
I’m stunned. I don’t know why. Every other company on the planet is run by scum, so I don’t see why the one I’m working at would be any different. But I can’t help but feel so angry and betrayed right now.
I don’t even think about it, I just say, “I quit.”
My boss looks at me in confusion, “Pardon?” He says.
“I said I quit.” I tell him.
He leans over and looks me in the eye, “Why? Is something the matter Ellen?”
I want to tell him that everything is wrong. I want to tell him that I’ve wanted to quit almost since I started this job, but with the pandemic and my student loans I didn’t want to take the chance. But I can’t bring myself to do it. Not because I’m worried about being blacklisted, at the moment I don’t care, but because I know that yelling at my boss won’t change anything.
“I’ve been debating it for some time, learning we were going to be involved in cryptocurrency was what pushed me over the edge.” I say.
“Ellen, I’m sure you have good reasons for feeling the way you do, but right now I can’t afford to lose another employee. We’re already way behind, and if I tell my boss we’re missing this next deadline, I could lose my job. I know you’re angry, but you can’t just leave me and the rest of the team like this. We need you, Ellen. If you leave, you’re going to let us down.”
Oh, how I wish I was in one of those movies where the protagonist can respond to his awful boss by flipping over his desk and flipping him the bird. Alas, I can’t get away with that here. If I flip out like I badly, badly want to, I will only make things worse.
“None of that is my concern sir. If you wanted to meet this deadline, you wouldn’t have tried to make four people do the work of twelve, or at least you would have stayed late as often as you seem to expect me to. We’ve been carrying your job for at least six months now, and at this point starvation is the only thing keeping us stuck here. I’ve had enough. All of us have had enough. I know you’re worried about your job, but if I were you, I’d accept the fact that me staying or leaving wouldn’t change the fact that you’re done.”
I stand up and leave before he can respond. I said to much. I know that. But it still feels so good to tell him what I’ve been thinking for months now. I grab a box and start packing my things up. “What happened?” Mary Ann asks from her cubicle, “Did he fire you?”
I can’t help but laugh. “He couldn’t fire me if I took off all of my clothes and started dancing on his desk. I quit.”
“Why?” Nina asks. The look on her face is one of sadness and despair.
“I’ve wanted to for a while now. I just took the plunge.”
“You know you could have demanded a raise.” Lucy says.
I look over at her. “No amount of money is large enough to make up for what this job has taken from me.”
I grab my things and walk out, filled with both joy and dread. I don’t have another job lined up. All my life my parents told me to never quit without having another job lined up. I try telling myself it’s not that bad, with so many people quitting these days I can easily find a job that will allow me to stay afloat, but in the back of my head a loud voice keeps screaming, “You’re doomed.”
I try not to think about anything on my way home. I walk inside and realize it’s been so long since I’ve been at home before nine at night that there isn’t any food in my apartment. Fortunately, there’s a grocery store not too far away from the house. I check my bank account to see how much food I can buy, then I realize just how big of a mistake I just made.
If it were just rent that I needed to worry about, I’d be fine. But there’s also my student loans, food, water payments, and other stuff I can’t remember right now. I’ve been saving all the money I can, but I still only have enough to make it maybe a month, and only if I’m very lucky.
I open up my laptop to look for any job I can find, and then the fatigue hits. I’ve been running on adrenaline, and without the constant worry about meeting demands at my job, I can’t keep it going. Then I start feeling sick to my stomach. I suddenly realize I’m not sure if I ate breakfast. I frequently skip it if I’m working because I eat lunch out. I need food, and more importantly, a day off.
The stores a mile away, so I decide to walk instead of drive. I don’t want to waste money on gas until I know I have another job. Since it’s the middle of the day, the stores not very busy. I try to be careful, but between hunger and exhaustion I spend too much money on chips and soda and not enough on actual food, something I regret on my walk home.
I was planning on going to sleep, but with caffeine I’m awake enough to begin searching for a job. I send out thirty applications by six that night. When I’m done, I feel proud, but then an unwelcome thought enters my mind; How do I know if my new job will be any better than the one I just left?
I try to distract myself with YouTube. I notice I’ve lost two subscribers since I checked last. I feel deflated, but since I haven’t posted anything for three months, I shouldn’t be surprised. I turn on my webcam and say, “Hey guys, sorry I haven’t posted anything for a while. Work’s been crazy. I haven’t left the office before eight since last September. I just quit this morning, so hopefully I’ll have more time to work on videos now, so that’s good. Hope you’ve been having a good time. Don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I click the off button. I should probably edit it, but I’m sure the video’s good enough as is. A good thing about having a single digit subscriber count is that you don’t need to care if your videos are good or bad, all that matters is that you have fun making them. One nice thing about not having a job anymore is that I can put more work into YouTube. I confess, I’ve missed it.
Out of curiosity I navigate to Julius Corvin’s YouTube channel. I know I’ve denounced him, but part of me still likes playing “Memories” when I feel sad about something.
Nothing seems to have changed since the last time I was here. There aren’t any new uploads, and the community tab is full of him bragging about how successful he is. I don’t know why I was expecting something to be different. Nobody seems to be angry at him for getting involved with NFTs.
I click away. I need to stop pretending he’ll change. He was once a big part of my life, but now he has well and truly lost touch with the people responsible for keeping him alive. He’s a lot like my boss. They’re both people whose existence depends on others sacrificing themselves for their benefit, but they’re unwilling to do anything to make that sacrifice worthwhile.
I go back to my YouTube channel. I love singing, I’ve done it in some way ever since I was in choir in middle school. When I was in high school, I dreamed of being a famous singer, before my father told me that was stupid. I still kind of want to be a famous singer, or at least to make enough money singing that I don’t have to work in an office anymore, but I will never be like Julius Corvin. I will let my moral compass guide me, not whatever makes me money.
Maybe I could be a famous singer. In this day and age, all it takes is a camera and a decent microphone to become famous. I have no plans; I could write all the songs I want and post them all to YouTube. Maybe somebody will notice me and make me a star. Or maybe I’ll get evicted from my apartment when I can’t pay rent.
I open the file for “The future”, my first big hit. I just need to polish it, then it’ll be ready to release. But I don’t want it to be a small release, I want to make it clear to the world that this is the next big thing, that this will take the internet by storm the way all great music does. I know, I’ll do a stream of me performing all my songs, and at the end I’ll reveal “The Future”, it’ll be a great way to both grab attention and celebrate me quitting my job. I open my webcam again and say, “Great news guys, I’m doing a stream at the end of the month. I’ll be performing all my songs live, and at the end I’ll have a new song to show you. Hope you’re free to see it.” I stop the video and save it for later. If I’m working on revealing a legend, I want to make sure the video is properly edited this time.
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