Never Enough

 I work every day,
Save every penny
But it's never enough
To keep the fear away. 

     I'm having one of those "I have a lot to say, but I'm not sure how to say it yet" days. For now, I'll just post that the weather's been nice lately. 

Beating The Odds

 Call me a sucker all you want,
Watching as I bet
On a busted hand.
Call me a sucker all you want,
But I know that someday
I'm beating the odds. 

     Am I the only person plagued by this feeling that the world is demanding more of me despite my life not having changed all that much? I feel like everyone else is in a situation where their workload has increased noticeably since the pandemic. Either that or their our leaders and even though their workload has increased a lot, they refuse to acknowledge it. I think I'm just pretending that I'm doing something, somehow, to fix our world and turn it into a place that's grown from all that its experienced. I know I should be doing more, but part of me is convinced the world will reject me as soon as it sees me. Life has a way of making you feel worthless without ever knowing the reason why. 

Nothing to Do with Me

 The world runs past me,
Eager to get to its next destination
Its hopes and dreams have nothing to do with me
It claims.

The world runs past me,
Searching for a purpose, 
Searching for a reason to be
It says.

The world runs
Until it screeches to a stop,
Halted by a barrier it can't overcome.
"Can you help me?" 
It says.
"Can anyone see where I need to go?" 
It's nothing to do with me,
And I don't know the answer.
So what am I supposed to do?

The world ran past me,
Eager to reach the future,
A place that I cannot go.
The future has nothing to do with me,
Or so I thought.
Now I'm searching for a purpose,
Searching for a reason to be,
But how will I go beyond the barrier
The world has put in front of me? 

     It's strange how walking around your hometown makes you realize all the ways it's designed to keep you away from the inhabitants in it. I've been walking around town trying to increase my activity level, in the hopes that I won't experience an early death, and I'm struck by the fact that I don't like seeing anyone I think that I might know from previous walks. I'm not a friendly person, at all, but I don't think the lack of communal gathering spaces near me helps. There are a few, I just don't go to them that often. I should change that. 

     Though I have to say that I've never felt at home in community centers, or any place where you're just supposed to reach out and talk to people. Making friends has never come naturally to me, and when I'm in a room with more than a few people I always wind up being the person who has no one else to talk to. That sucks. This could be different, but I doubt it. 

      As someone who walks everywhere, I would say that I wish that America wasn't so car centric, but I think the cars might be worse off than I am. 

Circles

Why am I so certain
That walking endlessly in circles
Will let me get anywhere? 

    There's a package of balloons on my desk. I haven't inflated them. I had this vague notion that if I bought them, I could bounce them around the house for exercise, but that feels undignified as an adult, albeit a not very sophisticated one. I should do something with them though. Seeing them empty is a bit harsh, given how empty my brain is right now.

Rain

Gray skies overhead,
Ominous sounds of thunder,
Crashing down around me.