Last post of January

    It's the end of January. If there's one thing I learned from the dumpster fire that was 2020, it's that you shouldn't claim a given year is going to be good or bad until at least the second month. Not that I thought 2020 was going to be a good year (although I certainly felt we were overdue for a good one), but I certainly didn't think it was going to be worse than 2016 was. 

    My overall view of 2023, as of this point, is that it's either going to be the year it all comes crashing down, or it'll be a year of anxious dread as we wait for everything to come crashing down. I have no faith that anyone with the power to stop this will, because if they wanted to stop this, they would have done so ages ago. Let me be clear, those in power know what we want, know why we're angry, and know what they could do to fix it. They just won't do it, because they're so hollow and empty that the only thing that brings them joy anymore is to watch other people suffer.  

     Something has to give. It's not just that life isn't fair, it's that it's now so unfair that the only way you could possibly win is to cheat. They know this, we know this, but they pretend that you aren't supposed to know that life is inherently stacked against you. They pretend that those at the bottom are supposed to believe in honesty and decency, because the less we know about how much the decks stacked against us, the easier we are to exploit. This has lead to a system where the rich know the systems rigged, and brag about it openly with each other, the poor know little to nothing about this, and the middle class takes it as common knowledge and scold the poor for "not paying attention". Why else would my mother get angry at college students who don't major in the right things? College majors who, I might add, often come from backgrounds where there the first people in their families to even get to go to college. 

     I don't even think it's possible to "win", because is having so much more than you could ever use a victory? If you've ever played a game with cheats enabled, you know that at a certain point the game becomes a lot less fun. I don't think those in charge deserve any sympathy for the way that they've handled things, but when you think about how little meaning their lives have, their actions almost become understandable. 

    Part of me wants to give credit to the government, to those trying to hold the system together, but I honestly think the more moral choice would be to admit that this system not only isn't worth saving, but can't be saved at all. We've reached a point where the ones with power, actual power, not the power that was symbolically handed to them in an election, have decided it would be more interesting to watch us suffer than to help us. They deserve so much worse than just having their power stripped from them, but common decency prevents any of us from admitting this. 

Memories

 Strange
To be nostalgic for times 
Now gone.

Strange,
To remember recent years
With fondness.

Strange,
I don't remember being happy.
I'm just happy that it's over. 

Yet we made it through 
Those dark times.
I don't think it made us better,
I don't think it brought us together.

And yet
When we look back 
On yesterday,
We'll wonder
Whether we could be as strong
As we used to be. 

   I wish there was a social media platform that I felt safe posting on. I think we all know what happened to Twitter, but am I alone in thinking the same thing happened to Facebook? Even YouTube isn't as fun as it used to be. It feels like we've entered an era where, unless you need to be online for work, nobody uses the internet anymore. The browser part of it, anyways. People still use wireless connections for games and communication. But all the stuff that used to be inbuilt in a browser is just gone. I feel like AOL could make a huge comeback right now, because I can't be the only person who wants to find the fun of the internet again. 

   It feels like it's going to be a nothing sort of day today. Which is a good thing, I think we could all use a bit more boring nowadays. I'm just glad to have a platform where I can talk about nothing and nobody will care. 

Daydreams

 Movies in my mind,
Memories of things that never happened.
I keep dreaming
Of sadness and pain.
I don't know why.

Maybe I just need a way of remembering
That reality isn't so bad.
Or maybe it's just nice
To have an off switch. 

    One thing I've decided after a year of blogging is that I want to focus more on poetry. I've been enjoying it way more than I thought I would, mostly because it feels less depressing to write a bad poem than to write what's essentially a bad novel draft. I really, really wish I knew how to get better at novel writing, because I have all of these really good ideas growing in my mind. It's just a shame that I'm not anywhere near good enough to bring them to life. 

The Dreamlands

 Within the heart of humanity
Is a place anyone can reach,
The land of dreams and thoughts.
Getting there isn't hard
All you have to do is let go of what's real. 

     As much as I enjoy blogging, I'm beginning to think that it's time to move on. I don't know that I want to become famous, but I at least want a chance at fame, and I don't think I'll have that if I stick to blogger. Maybe it's just something I'm doing, but I've been blogging for a little over a year now and haven't gone anywhere. I just want to do something with my life, you know? 

Campfire

 We're drawn to safety,
To a world in which we're free.
We're drawn to hope,
As a moth to a flame.

Always we're drawn to the light of tomorrow,
To a future we may not live to see.
Always we're drawn to a place of forgiveness,
No matter how doomed we are.

The past became the present,
The present will become tomorrow.
But what will we do when the sun doesn't rise?

There are those still huddled safely
Around the pillars of yesterday.
They do not see, so they do not care,
About those trapped in darkness and despair.

What scares me isn't that they won't save us,
What scares me is that they never could. 

    I hate living in a world where if you don't want to aim high you may as well not even bother. All the places I used to go and have fun are vanishing, bit at a time, and anywhere else I could go to is very professional and sour. They don't want you unless you have something to say, but how can you know if you have anything important to say if you don't say it out loud? All of our opinions are important to us, it's just everyone else who doesn't care. 

     As much as I love Blogging, every time I look at my view count I start to think about how much I want more. Not more money, or even more views. I just want to feel like I have more to look forward to than writing a blog that has no chance of ever going anywhere. 

Reality

 Dreams fill my days,
Floating on clouds 
Made of hope.

Dreams fill my days,
Why does nothing feel real anymore?

     I need a break from pretending that I'm anything remotely like a professional Blogger. I know discipline is important if you're a writer, but I'm getting tired of pretending that anyone will actually read this. 

Poetry

 Why can't I condense my thoughts
Into words with only a few letters?
Why do I keep thinking things
That fill up pages,
Instead of index cards?

Life Sucks

     I'm so sick of pretending.

    I've had this blog for five and a half years. I've been writing regularly for a little over a year now. I've waffled between wanting fame and fortune or just wanting to be an obscure idiot writing whatever came to her mind that day, but I always pretended that someday I'd see the view count soar up. I'd be famous, have a fanbase to support me, be able to do what I love for the rest of my life. Now it all feels like a pipe dream.

   All my dreams are of power and madness, driven by a deep desire to have someone, anyone hear me. But nobody will, and even if they did they wouldn't care. I'm tired of being the last in line, of being second fiddle to everybody else. I used to think I was good enough at something to be noticed, but all I notice now is the fact that people would be so much happier if I just got out of the way. What's wrong with me putting my own needs first and foremost? Isn't that the entire point of being alive? Yes, we're supposed to care about others, but not at the expense of our own health and wellbeing. For once, I want to be the most important person in my life, and not have to care about what anyone else thinks of how I live my life. 

The Rainbow of Reality

 Light
Passing through a prism
Forms a rainbow.
All we see are seven colors of possibility.
Yet from those seven colors,
Our entire world was built.

The red of sunsets,
The blue of oceans,
Paintings on a never ending canvas.
We are forever drawing,
Yet it never looks messy and gray.

Not that long ago, we learned there was 
More than we could see.
It took time, but we learned to use it all.
Be it the waves that brought us noise,
Or the waves that killed all they touched.

    Like all of my Weekend posts, this one's being written on the Friday of the weekend in question, in this case Friday the Thirteenth. I've never been one to notice any worse luck on this day than on other days of the year, if anything I think it's a bit luckier. Not by that much, but some. 

   I've been so focused on writing, I almost forgot to write my posts for the weekend. It would be deeply ironic if my love of writing was what killed off my blog. 

Winter

Light shines through the clouds.

The air is cold, my skin tight.

When will winter end

     I don't expect to ever become famous within my lifetime. But I'd like to think that when I die, my next of kin will find this blog and decide the whole world should know about it, and then work their butts off to make sure that the world does know. Someday, now or in the future, everyone will know my name. 

The Hashtag

 Why does no one want to talk?
What made the words grow stale?
Have they gone forever?
What made them leave?

    I'm still recovering from my vacation, so instead of a short story tomorrow, I'm posting a poem. Sorry about that. 

The Dawn

 How did I become so dependent on darkness?
This feeling of importance, the joy of hearing my name,
The words that pour into my soul.
I can feel it,
Their power surrounds me,
Insulating me from harm.

Who is it that insists on destroying it?
The protection built by years of fame
and admiration?
Who is that keeps trying to drag me
Into the sunlight,
So that I will burn and die?

It burns,
I scream,
But I can't hear my voice
And nobody seems to notice me.
I'm thrashing about,
Begging for someone to help me 
Before it's too late.

But there's nothing.
I'm nothing.
Not only do I mean nothing now,
I never meant anything to anyone.
How could I have thought
That I could succeed? 

All around me people scream joyously,
Not seeing the pain of me
Or my friends.
They chided us for not showing compassion,
Yet in our time of need
The ignore us.

The world Iived in, 
The world I loved
And I thought they loved too,
Is gone.
Yet they won't even pretend to mourn.

Was I not one of those who gave them their home?
Was I not one of the architects
of their world of glass and steel? 

     I wonder how many places there are that let you publish Ebooks for free. 

   I know lots of people would kill to be on a Cruise ship for two weeks, but to me there's nothing better than being at home. 

A World Without Humans

    I don't know why humans want to get rid of humans so badly. 

   A question that came up in school yesterday was "will we ever be replaced by AI?" our teacher says that we've been asking that question for more than a century, and people still debate it constantly. I didn't really think about it that much, all that was needed was a paper about how AI has made our lives better and gotten rid of jobs no one wanted in the first place. 

   I suppose I like AI more than most. My mother works on building AIs, my sister's a computer genius, and I've lived among citizens my entire life. Even with my poor school record, I'm set for life. Most of the other kids at my school live in public housing, their parents can't find work, they have no way of making life better for themselves. Still, Jeanine is working on becoming a citizen, and she says that she'll make it, so I don't know why they hate me so much.

    One thing that bothers me is the citizens keep wanting to make it harder to become a citizen. Until last year, if you were a child of a citizen you were automatically granted access, but now that's no longer true. My mother keeps pushing me to get good enough grades to enter private school again, because she's forgotten that grades aren't why I had to leave in the first place. She doesn't want to remember that the private schools are haunted by the spirits of those who couldn't make it in society. 

    I wish I could make it as a citizen, but I'm beginning to think I'll have to move to public housing. I see ghosts everywhere the citizens are. It didn't used to be that bad, but it's gotten worse as I get older. What happened to the world where you could be a failure and still be happy? 

    By the time anyone reads this, I'll be on a plane back home.

The Worlds Outside

    Not much is known about the worlds outside our own, other than the fact that they exist. We know about the world of mind, the world of anti-magic, and the four elemental worlds, but it's also known that there are eleven guardians and that there can be no more than one guardian per world. So there must be at least eleven other worlds other than the one earth lives in. 

   Guardians are strange beings, somewhere between gods and mortals. They can't naturally die, but they can be killed by someone with powerful weapons or magic. They can't shape the world with a thought, but their magic is the most powerful magic in the Multiverse. There's only one of them per world, but I've heard it said that a million or more may exist in each of the worlds they own.

   No one knows much beyond that, because Earth doesn't have a Guardian, nor are there any throughout the rest of the Universe. All the ones we know of live in other Universes, and we don't know if they each have a Universe to themselves or they split between one another. We don't even know most of their names. But we know that they're there, and many believe that they protect us the way the gods of old did. 

    Is it weird that I feel like, after January first come around, it kind of feels like it goes back to being the previous year? Like I know that January 1st was in 2023, but it kind of feels like 2022 just restarted, not like a new year actually happening. It's not just a this year phenomenon, I think that if I didn't have a record of previous years happening, and what happened each year, I'd just say that it was all the same year. 

The All Powerful

 I feel the world moving
Around my soul, 
Crashing into itself
And ripping apart. 

I see people crying,
Begging to be heard,
Begging for me to see them
As themselves.

I stand high
Above the clouds,
Above the world 
Humanity left behind.

I am,
At this moment in time,
The most powerful
Person to have ever lived.

They tell me to wake up,
To come back down to earth,
But why should I?

If power only
Exists in your head,
Why should I not take
What I haven't yet earned? 

   It's 2023! Whether I'm screaming with joy or horror is a thing I'll determine once December 31st roles around. I'm not one to prophesize too much, but I think this will be an interesting year. Not good, maybe not awful, but definitely interesting. Again, I'll decide whether that's a good thing or not come December 31st.