Reset

 Now is the time
For the world to remember
What it has longed 
To forget.

Now is the moment
When we must accept
That we are ephemeral.

Now is the moment
When we must let go
Of the past,
And embrace the world to come.

I want to believe
That there's a new world
Beyond the light
Engulfing my soul.

I want to believe
That the future is as bright
As the visions I see in my mind.

I want to believe 
That when I'm finally ready,
I can shape the future 
Into something worthy
Of existing.

For now,
Though,
However much it hurts.
I must say goodbye. 

Because now is the moment
My heart must accept
That tomorrow will not arrive. 

     I'm taking the month of April off. I need some time to think about what, exactly, I want to do with the blog going forward. Not making any big promises, just hoping I'll feel better about the world once May roles around. 

   I know I'm not the first to say this, but the current administration would be much more tolerable if they weren't so stupid. At least I would know what their evil actions were in service of, rather than having to guess. I don't think even they know why they do what they do half the time. 

    I wonder how much money will be spent by people simply trying to avoid going mad from living in a post-2024 world. I know that I'm running out of money, and I'm not anywhere near as desperate as most people are. Someone needs to tell Trump that if he doesn't stop signing every executive order that comes across his desk, he'll wreck the precious economy that he wants so badly. 

     I'm taking a break from the blog soon. Starting the beginning of April, in fact. I'm running out of steam, and I'm hoping that a break will leave me refreshed and invigorated. 

    It's amazing how much better you feel after a long walk in the sun. I woke up feeling terrible, a really bad headache and all tired. But now I feel energized and, for lack of a better term, alive. Pretty sure it won't work for cancer, but it works wonders for one's mental health. 

     It sucks knowing the world as you know it is coming to an end and knowing you can do absolutely nothing to stop it. Even if I knew it was for the best, I'd be pushing the brakes as hard as I could, and yet some people seem to think that we'd be better off going full speed into a brick wall. 

The End of My World

 It's been months since the moment
That I left home for good,
Since I was taken by people
Who ignored what I said.
I told them when asked,
"One day you'll regret this."
But they acted as though I was out of line.

It's been months since my brain
Knew the world as I knew it
Would end without fanfare or joy.
I'd hoped we could stay
For time and all eternity,
But plainly I knew nothing at all. 

It's been better and worse
Since I expected it to be,
Things have happened to shape me
In ways I couldn't predict. 
I still long for all
That I had to leave behind,
But there's no going back now.

Does the world regret sending me here?
I don't know, and at this point I don't care. 
I'm happy here now,
Or happy enough, at least.
I will make this place
Into a world I can live in.
If there's no way to move on
But to let go of all I loved,
I guess I can learn
To accept this as my home. 

     I wonder if we'll give up on social media once this is all over. I'm beginning to think that we'll have to, at least for a little bit. Like the invention of paper money, I expect the invention of virtual socialization is going to undergo a few big hurdles before we figure out how to make it work. 

     Well, Elon Musk is testing the one power he still has. I won't lie, as an American who was raised to believe in the value of capital, I'm not okay with just how easily he's using it to undo any other power people might have. Money shouldn't be the sum of a person's worth, especially when we all agree that the person holding it is worthless and shouldn't have any to begin with. 

     We're losing so much, more and more with each passing day. I know I should be worried about how this will affect others, but mostly I just feel angry at losing something I care about. I should fight back, but I'm scared. What if they decide to kill me?

    I wonder how much longer we have before Elon Musk decides to just get rid of social security altogether. I think that we need to either accept that our parents and grandparents will need us to support them, or fight like hell to stop the hostile takeover of the government before it's too late. 

Neighbors Across the Way

Oh neighbors across the way,
You have something I don't have.
If I had it,
I've no doubt I'd be as happy
As you seem to be
When I picture you
In my mind's eye.
I can't see in your window,
But there's something about you
That draws me to you 
As though I were a child in a toy store.

     There are times when I feel like Bellevue would be a perfect town if there weren't so many Teslas on the road. I also feel as though America would be the perfect country if there weren't so many Republicans in office. 

The Edifice of "Why"

 I sort through the things
I've collected through the years,
Mementos to a time
I've tried to forget.
As I prepare to leave
The Utopia I built,
I can't help but ask
"Why?"

"Why" is the edifice
Growing in my heart,
A wall I crash into 
With each passing day.
Why is the question
I ask every second,
Every moment,
Every breath.

The house is cleaner
Then it's ever been,
The yard is free of weeds
And the living room free of junk.
Soon memories of a life lived
Will be gone,
And I'll be off somewhere worse
Then where I am right now.

Why do I have no control
Over my life and my dreams?
Why doesn't the world heed me
When I say I can't do this?
Why is there a wall
Growing deep in my soul?

Brick by brick,
Day by day,
I feel the edifice growing within me,
A prison that I now live in by choice.
Only the windows let me know 
Of the world outside,
A world that I'm trying to forget.
People walk past me,
Free of fear and worry,
Free of the nightmare 
I can't seem to wake up from.

Why is the edifice
Growing in my heart?
Why can't I pass the wall
Between me and my future?
Why am I trapped
In a memory I hate,
In a world that I long to escape from?

     I like to think that I'm intelligent, but when I was at the pharmacy yesterday I kept wishing for an instruction manual that I could look at to see if I was doing everything right. I know a lot of people would find it patronizing, but those are the people who didn't need copious amounts of speech therapy in elementary school. 

      It would be nice if I didn't live in a town with two Teslas to every other kind of car. I feel like Fascism has, for whatever reason, centered itself around me. 

    Happy Pi Day!

     There's supposed to be a lunar eclipse tonight, but I'm not sure we'll see it. It tends to get cloudy where we live. 

   When I was young, I was taught that all dark moments led to something special. We need darkness or else we wouldn't appreciate the light, that sort of thing. As an adult, I find that darkness only serves to making the light seem garish and fake, like someone trying to make a shirt less ugly by covering it with sequins. When I was young, darkness was something brief, a small window of sadness you would come out of to find life moving on as it always has. Growing up, it's turned into something that you don't know will pass. You just keep pushing forward, denying that the next patch of light is temporary and likely to be much shorter than the period of darkness you just emerged from. Eventually, you forget what warmth feels like. All you know is the coldness that comes from when there are no clouds to hold in the warmth of the sun. 

    I'm not a believer in making someone not exist. I find it crass, tacky, and tend to view it as a relic of only the crudest of dictatorships. In Elon Musk's case, I feel that I must make an exception. He's everything that's wrong with the human species. He's a reminder that failure is not exclusive to class, race, or gender. He's a living embodiment of the idea that one day we'll remember that our world isn't real, and that once you go enough levels down you'll see nothing. Such a person ought not to have been allowed into society, but as he's already here I feel the best and most merciful thing to do would be to erase all evidence of his existence. We're heading to dictatorship anyway, may as well do it properly. 

A Utopia On Paper

 I remember when the world was perfect.

There was a magazine stand
At the community center
I go to a lot, 
Though nowhere near as 
Often as I used to.
It hasn't been there in years,
Perhaps a decade
Or more,
But I remember when it was there.
It was a time when thoughts
Belonged in print
And when people 
Could be seen
In more ways than one.
It was a time when progress
Wasn't hampering humanity.

Back in the days
When the magazine stand was there,
The internet was still young.
You didn’t have always online games,
Only small distractions
From a life you had to return to.
It was perfect.
You had a day to day life
You suffered through,
On the promise that eventually
You could return
To the world that accepted you
Because it didn't know you any other way. 
Two worlds set each other off,
Neither one quite enough,
Yet together they could live in harmony.

When they took away the magazine stand,
I didn't miss it.
Not really.
I'd never bought anything there
And it's not as if you couldn't find anything
They sold
Online.
The internet had rendered so much
Obsolete,
And we took it for granted
That this was what progress looked like.
A utopia,
Where scarce resources stayed in the ground
And people had more space for other
More meaningful things.
A utopia on paper
That when put in practice
Quickly proved to be more flimsy
Than the material it was printed on. 

     I wish I was living somewhere else. Then all I'd have to do is hate America for it's terrible behavior to everyone who isn't American, or at least not the elite's idea of American. Instead, I have to try and figure out who's to blame for our leadership's outlandish behavior and see to it that they're properly punished. I'm not sure that I'm not among those who should be punished, especially since I chose not to vote last election. I wish I knew what it was like to have pride in your country. It's been so long since I felt proud to be an American, I've forgotten what it was like. 

    I don't think that I'm ever going to have children. Not a huge loss, I know, but I'm expecting to be held to task if I ever waver in this decision. I'm not good with kids, and I don't want to pass on my genes. 

     I keep thinking about the fact that we changed ourselves to be more fascist so the world around Donald Trump wouldn't fall apart. The Democrats especially, but everyone else in America followed suit. I know we did it for hierarchical reasons, but as someone who's always been an outsider I can't help but wonder, could the world shape itself to fit me? Every time I go outside I see loads of Teslas and way too many Cyber Trucks for one town. Yet the world feels as hostile towards me, both as a trans person and as an Autistic person, as it ever has. Why is it that Donald Trump can change the world to suit his needs, but I can't change the world to suit mine?  

     This is the kind of thing only an Infinitelist would think, but I'm starting to believe that fascism is something we do to ourselves. Not something we bring upon ourselves, not something we deserve because of past mistakes, it's something we do because we see that someone in charge is a fascist and we build the world around them because that's what we've been taught to do. Then once we built it, we don't want to reflect too deeply on why we built it because that would mean admitting that we weren't building it because of esoteric reasons like "good" or "evil", but simply because it was what needed to be done to keep the world real at that moment in time. And then the moment just didn't end. We didn't know how to end it. We know about law, fun, and fear, but we don't understand the physics of our Dreamworld. We don't even know how to enforce such a nebulous thing as physics in a world that's only sort of real. And yet, we have to. Otherwise reality will never be more than a moment long. 

     It would be nice if I could live in a Utopia made just for me. No one else would like it, but I would. 

     I'm not sure how to cope with the fact that the world hates America. Part of me wants to tell the world "It's not our fault, not all of us voted for Trump." Except that we're a democracy. Isn't the price of living in a democracy taking responsibility for when the president does something heinous and pisses off your allies? Shouldn't we be making it clear to Trump that we don't want to be seen as monsters by Canada, Mexico, Europe and Asia? I would think that it's clear who's to blame for the world hating us, and it's not the people complaining about our inaction on Reddit. 

My Small Creations

 My small creations
Do not know they exist in my mind only.
They walk about their lives,
Unaware that they are temporary
And doomed to repeat 
Until I'm satisfied 
With their lives.

My small creations
Do not know they were made to be
Friends and enemies.
There are no background characters
And no one who would be forgotten 
If you never saw them again.
All of them are important
To me,
It's only each other that they can't stand.

My small creations
Do not know that I forget them constantly.
They have vanished and returned
Time and again, 
And I'm not sure how many times it's happened.
I only know that sometimes I see
A face in the crowd and think,
"Have I seen you somewhere before?"

My small creations
Don't realize their unimportance.
They're world lives in me
And me alone.
No one else knows the truth
About their creation 
Or destruction.
One day I will die
And they will turn to dust,
No one knowing their names and backstories.
But for now,
While the sun still shines
And the Earth still turns,
They are everything to me. 

    I wonder if there will be any great art to come out of this time, something that people will remember the way that we remember The Lord of the Rings. I don't know that it will have been worth it, but we'll at least have something to show for it. 

   Physics tells us that no matter what happens, the sun will rise tomorrow. Math tells us that two and two will always equal four. No matter what happens, we can't let them take reality away from us. If we do, the Universe will fall with it.