The Edifice of "Why"

 I sort through the things
I've collected through the years,
Mementos to a time
I've tried to forget.
As I prepare to leave
The Utopia I built,
I can't help but ask
"Why?"

Why is the edifice
Growing in my heart,
A wall I crash into 
With each passing day.
Why is the question
I ask every second,
Every moment,
Every breath.

The house is cleaner
Then it's ever been,
The yard is free of weeds
And the living room free of junk.
Soon memories of a life lived
Will be gone,
And I'll be off somewhere worse
Then where I am right now.

Why do I have no control
Over my life and my dreams?
Why doesn't the world heed me
When I say I can't do this?
Why is there a wall
Growing deep in my soul?

Brick by brick,
Day by day,
I feel the edifice growing within me,
A prison that I now live in by choice.
Only the windows let me know 
Of the world outside,
A world that I'm trying to forget.
People walk past me,
Free of fear and worry,
Free of the nightmare 
I can't seem to wake up from.

Why is the edifice
Growing in my heart?
Why can't I pass the wall
Between me and my future?
Why am I trapped
In a memory I hate,
In a world that I long to escape from?