Well, it's the final day of 2024. What a year it's been. Congratulations on all of us for surviving, and lets all commit to trying to survive 2025. 

2024

 When we look back
Upon this year,
Will we remember the moment that we won?

Will we remember the moment 
That we finally decided
That we had enough of pretending
That everything was alright?

Will we remember deciding
That come what may
We wanted to know 
Just how bad things actually were?

Will we remember the moment
We realized 
That though we were on different sides
We wanted the same things?

Our leaders aren't evil,
Just selfish and incompetent,
Thought the results are the same.

I can't remember the moments
That made up this year,
But I can remember the feeling
That came
When I realized 
That I was not alone in my rage.

I fear what's to come.
I don't know how bad it could get.
But for now I take comfort in knowing
That I don't walk this path alone. 

     Tomorrow will be the last Monday of 2024. I should think up a good poem to celebrate. 

    I'm losing track of time. I hope this gets better once the new year comes. 

     I'm sitting in Starbucks, writing out a blog post to justify my decision to bring my tablet with me. If I didn't, I'd have to justify bringing my tablet with me on a walk to Starbucks. Sunk cost fallacy averted.

    I'm trying to remember that free-will exists and that we have at least some control over what happens in our lives. Without that, I'm not sure what the point of being alive even is. 

 Merry Christmas to all who celebrate. May your holidays be filled with joy.

     Tomorrow's Christmas, the day of clichés and poorly thought out traditions. At least, soon, this year will be over. The soon we get Trump's next term started, the sooner it will be over. 

Endless Acquisition

 What happens when you have everything you could possibly need or want?
Why, you come up with new things to want,
Things you didn't even think of
Just a few days ago. 
Things that won't make you happy,
They just make you feel 
Like you have something to live for. 
Nobody wants to be perfect,
Yet all of us strive
For perfection.

So what happens when we reach 
The apex of our lives?
We live in a world 
Where that will never happen. 
Because our world was built by people
Who were already born rich
And can't imagine the lives
Those around them live.
Our world was built by those 
Doomed to decline
Unless they stole everything.
In an attempt to avoid this,
They built a house filled with everything
Except hope. 

So now that you find yourself at the top,
You can't help but stare
At the world around you,
A world you know will never be yours,
And you can't help but wonder,
Why do I need all of this stuff? 

    I'll be glad when Christmas is over. Though this year I actually prepared for it, so it's not as bad as it's been in previous years. 

    I feel like when I close my eyes I can see a glimpse of the future that I want. But I can't see the form it'll physically take. 

     Things are going to change a lot in 2025. I just hope that a lot of those changes are for the better. 

    Only six days left until Christmas. I've got all of my Christmas shopping done, but it still feels stressful being this close to the holidays. 

     Somewhere on the other end of this, there's a future for me. I just need to remember that. 

    It's weird, but I have a feeling something amazing is going to happen today. Maybe I'm just delusional, because we're coming up on the last week of the year. I'm not looking forward to 2025. I don't think that anyone is. 

Gods Among Men

 They were Gods among men.
They stood so that the men of the world could see and worship them.
They stood so the world
Would know who they were
And what they represented.
They stood so that they would be seen by all
And worshipped by none.

They spoke so that they would be heard
By the human race.
They spoke so that their story would be passed down
To the future,
A world they would not live to see.
They spoke to a world
Full of people like them, 
A world they thought they understood. 

They prayed to those above them
So that knowledge might flow into them
Like a river to the ocean.
They prayed that the world would shape itself
Around them and their needs.
They prayed so that the fabric of spacetime
Would unravel itself,
And humanity would crown them kings. 

The world circled endlessly,
Always coming back
To them and their demands.
The world did not see them,
But the human race did. 
These Gods among men
Wanted one thing only;
To be human.
A thing they already had.
Yet we kept giving it to them.
Until the day came that we forgot
That we would never be Gods ourselves. 

     If anyone reads this, would you mind answering a question for me. What do you think the person who has anything anyone could possibly want looks like? Are they a billionaire? A president? A pope? A janitor with five kids? Do they have everything? Do they have almost nothing and make do with what they have? What is it about them that you think we should all emulate? Write down what you think, even if you've seen it answered elsewhere. I suspect that person might be nearer to us than you might think. 

    Sometimes I feel like people like Elon Musk validate the existence of Billionaires. They make it easy to go, "Well, I'd do the same if I was in charge, but I'm not in charge. It's just bad luck that they got to be in charge instead of someone who deserves it." Let's be honest, we all remember the early 2010s, when billionaires got much better press than they do now. We all remember stories about Bill Gates or Warren Buffet giving loads of money to charity, or Oprah doing big giveaways on her show. We all think that if Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos gave away their money and treated their employees like people, they'd deserve their wealth. But would they? Does anyone deserve to have the power to essentially warp reality? I want the power to undo reality and shape it to my own will. Maybe that's something to keep in mind the next time you want to give someone unlimited power over your own existence. 

     Have any of the people reading this ever thought about how sometimes a disability can strip you of your right to jealousy? So many times I've struggled to just be normal, that the thought of being exceptional is beyond me. Be grateful for what you have, I've been told. Yet not a single autistic person in the media remains undefined by their disability. Maybe someday we'll have an autistic character for whom their disability is only a part of who they are, and not the whole person. I, for one, have to note that I'm both Autistic and a Dreamer. Both are important, but it's possible for one to exist without the other. 

   It's rare that you see the moon where I live. It's nice.

On Doing the Right Thing

     I want to believe that I have it in me to be a good person. Everyone does, and most of us are right. At least, when it comes to the ways in which our societies define good versus evil. What I'm not okay with is the way in which our society tries to force us to do the "right thing". 

     I'm one of those people who hurts others without thinking. A lot. It comes with having a brain that works poorly. I try and isolate myself as much as possible, both because I really hate people and because I know that prolonged contact with people means that someone is going to be hurt. The world does not like this. It doesn't want me to do the right thing and keep myself away from those who are more easily hurt. It keeps insisting that being human means that I learn to be with other people even if it means I have to pretend that I can't possibly hurt them. Psychology, career training, sensitivity therapies, all of these amount to little more than the world telling me that I have no choice but to be someone I adamantly dislike; someone who pretends they aren't causing people pain by their clearly selfish actions. Sure, I could become better, if I was to give up ninety percent of my personality. Am I supposed to brainwash myself into becoming a pro-social person? I know that I'm a terrible person, I have the ability to avoid hurting people, and yet the world has gone out of its way to make that as hard as it possibly can. 

     I hate this aspect about society so much that when people comment on Elon Musk's anti-social behavior, I find myself reflexively pointing out that we live in a world where he can't easily avoid other people. I'm not one of those people who believes that we are in control of our reactions, not when I know one too many impulsive people who reflexively do without thinking. I also think that in a world built on socializing, we have to take responsibility for the horrible things that happen as a result. Which is to say, most of the terrible things that happen in our world. Hermits don't tend to hurt anyone, just saying. 

    I know our world is one where socializing isn't optional, but I firmly believe that it should be. I don't think there should ever be a situation where someone is forced to interact with people if they don't want to, even if it's "for their own good". It's frankly disturbing that we're so wedded to the idea of forced interaction that most jobs still demand that you go into the office for at least a few days a week. Hell, I think it's appalling that we expect everyone to want to work in this day and age. We all know that we live in a world where that isn't necessary anymore, right? One can be alone and still depend on others. I think that we would do well to remember that. 

     I think that for my news years resolution (really, my next goal in life, starting whenever) I'm going to try and do some good for the world every single day. I feel like I might not be a great person, and I want to at least prove that I can be good if I want to be. I think that's all that anyone can really ask; the ability to be good when they want to be. And I want to be a good person, with or without the reputation of one. 

A Chocolate Bar

 Who cares about Orangutans?
They live so far away
And they don't even speak English.
Who cares if they suffer
From the loss of the forest?
All I care about 
Is the awful day at work I had.
I know this chocolate bar
Is full of evil,
But it's the only thing 
That I have to look forward to. 

My entire life is full
Of a million crimes
Unpunished by any law.
I know that I'm wrong
And I know that I'll suffer
When I'm sent to the afterlife,
But I have fifty years left
Before I have to worry about that.

What I try not to think about
Are the people around me
Doing the same things.
A coffee at Starbucks,
A food order from DoorDash,
An article in a newspaper feigning shock
Over the assassination of United Health Care's CEO.
All of us trying
To get through a day
Pretending that nothing's wrong.
All of us trying
To forget the damage we've done
And what will come to us 
Because of it.  

But I'm not a CEO
Or a journalist at a large newspaper.
I'm not someone who runs the world.
I'm just a person
Trying to get through their day.
Doesn't that mean that I should be spared? 

   I think that the United States owes all of it's citizens a big win. We were told that we'd won the lottery just by being born here, but it's becoming increasingly clear that wasn't the case. I don't think that anyone making that promise realized they were going to have to pay up, but here we are. 

    I think that we're on the cusp of a world where the only solution to our problems is with violence. No one wants that, but everyone knows that it's coming. Everyone knows that the assassination on Wednesday was the beginning of something enormous. The Fascists are about to discover what the elders meant by saying, "Be careful what you wish for." And all of us will have to pay the price. 

   The day before yesterday, a CEO was shot. As to be expected, everyone sided with the gunman, because there's no CEO in the United States who doesn't have blood on their hands. Like everyone else, I think the CEO had it coming, especially because his company was a private insurer, but I'm worried about where this will lead. I'm worried about a future where the only moral thing to do is to disobey the law. In some ways, I think that we're already there. 

  Ah, winter, when it's only 4 PM and the sun is already almost set. I can't wait until the days finally start getting longer. 

   I've been thinking a lot about how someday I'll just be forgotten. Not intentionally or maliciously, but in the way a storefront vanishes from a busy town. Even if I somehow become famous, that will happen, and I'm not sure how to cope with that. I've learned how to deal with not being famous, but the fact that someday everything about me will just vanish is somehow news to me. I know that the world moves on, but I still feel sad about how much will inevitably be lost. 

   I wish I could believe that my world would stay real forever. I don't care if it's here when I die, but I want to believe that it will be. I want to believe that the things I care about are not only important, but could only be used for good. I want to believe there is such a thing as a world that will outlast the Infinite. Alas, all I have is a delusion, and I'm not very good at maintaining it. I wish I knew how to believe that our world was endless. Barring that, I wish I could learn to accept its demise. 

A Perfect You

Look in the mirror
And imagine that you
Are the most beautiful,
Intelligent,
And Charismatic person
You know.

Picture a person

Like you in every way

Except where you want to be different.

Picture the person

You wish with all your heart

That you could be.

Look in the mirror

And imagine the other life

You wish you could lead.

Now imagine the people you would know,

The friends you would have,

The people who live next door.

Imagine the people

At your perfect job.

Imagine the family

In your perfect house.

Imagine the life you could lead

In a place such as this;

A place so perfect 

You will never leave

No matter how much 

You need to. 

Welcome

To the Last Resort. 

    I've been seeing a lot of people migrate over to BlueSky. I think I might give it a try. Twitter's getting awful, and I'm doing all I can to avoid seeing the worst of it. And it would be nice to have somewhere to try and build an audience again.