Well, it's the end of February. For what it's worth. Spring has come to Washington State, so that's pleasant.

     I think the thing that scares me the most is that we're on the verge of believing that only the rich are allowed to make any decisions about our future. When that happens, I'm not sure that we'll be able to fight back. 

     Our power's still on, and it looks like there won't be any rain for a while. Which is good, because there were a few moments last night when I was worried a tree would fall on the house. 

     I'm writing this in case the power goes out. If I post nothing but the phrase "God Damn It!" tomorrow, you'll know what happened. 

A Stopped Clock

 I've always believed
That time would stop
The day before disaster. 
I always believed 
That horror would happen
On my own terms.
My tiny mind
And insignificant self
Couldn't imagine a world
Where everyone but me
Was ready to move on.

I always thought 
That everyone saw
What I see.
I always thought 
That everyone knew
What I knew.
I always thought 
That when the time came
To move forward,
They'd ask me first.

Now I stand on a precipice.
My old world is gone,
And I can't get it back.
All I have is the memory
Of yesterday,
A place I can never return to.
Someday I'll fall into nothingness,
My soul washed away by time,
But until then
I'll keep waiting
For the stopped clock
To begin once more. 

     Increasingly, it feels like I'm trapped in a small space, unable to move or interact with the world around me. I can speak, but no one can hear me. I look, but no one looks back. I don't know if I'm invisible or if everyone is just ignoring me. Why won't anyone listen to me?

    I'm not the only person who thinks this is unacceptable. That's the only thing keeping me going right now. 

     Moving to another country is much harder when you're Autistic. I'm worried about moving to Tacoma, and I've lived near it my whole life. I keep thinking it would be nice to move, though. Even if fascism arrives wherever I'm going. 

    I wish that I could be rich. Rich people can do all sorts of things on paper, from funding massive scientific breakthroughs to toppling entire governments. When they can't do these things, they blame checks and balances, but as I watch the world move I find myself feeling that the problem is just that they lack drive and ambition. It's only too obvious that the world is much better off with the money spread around so that everyone can do one or two things they care about instead of one person needing to be responsible for everything that everyone could possibly care about. 

     I created Infinitelism because I wanted a religion that would work with science and could adapt to the changes in accepted scientific knowledge. It's not perfect, but its leagues better than anything else if you ask me. So I want it on record that I don't just want science to continue as is, I want it to go into overdrive. We need proof that objective, external, unchangeable reality exists now more than ever. Without it, well, we'll have to learn how to live without any sort of science, or guidance, ever again. 

What I wish I could Send to the Washington State Legislature

     I'm not sending any of what I'm writing to you assholes, but damn it I just want to feel like somewhere you're reading this, and you hear what I have to say. I want you to hear how horrible you're actually being, taking away the only place I can live anymore because you desperately want a world where disabled trans people constantly fear for their lives. Let me break it down; I'm a twenty-nine-year-old non-binary person who hadn't even started transitioning before Trump took over. I can't drive, work, or make friends. I'm fucked in twenty different ways, and you've done nothing to fix that. I'm writing to you because I'm supposed to believe that you'll listen and have a change of heart, but what I really want to say is, "Go fuck yourselves." Damn do I wish the stakes weren't so fucking high so I could tell you to take your stupid bill and shove it up your ass. As it is, I have to come crawling to you, pleading to please, please, please not take away my rights. Please, just let me vote for people who will never give one iota of a shit about me in elections that crop up at increasingly inconvenient moments on ballots that use a rainforests worth of paper because electronic voting will never be secure. I didn't even want to vote last election, I only did it because I've been brainwashed into believing that this stupid piece of paper matters. Now you won't even let me pretend this shit system cares about me? Are you out of your fucking minds? I'm an Infinitelist, but I don't think that you need to be one to know that this world only exists so long as the people who live in it follow the rules and believe that it matters. That's true whether you live in a democracy or a dictatorship, and the people in Washington State are too well educated to believe a dictatorship will ever do right by them. Especially the people of Bellevue, who are still butthurt about losing the trees on 148th. 

    I won't pretend that I believe that you have our best interests at heart, but I know that you have your best interests at heart, and your best interests include not passing this damn bill. If you do, what happened to Washington DC will happen to Washington State, and I don't want to think about what Trump's next lackey will do to you when he comes to power. Let's not forget that what happened last November happened because people felt that, for America at least, Democracy didn't exist anymore. Do you want that to be true?

   Thank god for discounted Valentine's day candy. I'm not sure I'd still have my sanity without it. 

Deadline

 There's only so much time
Before the world ends
And everything you know
Ceases to exist.
There's only so much time
Before you're forgotten,
Never to be remembered.
Too much time.
Enough time 
To screw up
And become someone
You thought you didn't want to be.

    I'm not the first to realize this, but goodness really needs to be connected with interdependence. It shouldn't be a sin to need a lot of people around you in order to stay alive. 

     If I had any actual fame, this would be the moment I started the "I am not Elon Musk" movement. I'm not happy with how the media treats his weirdness as less desirable than his out and out evil behavior considering the fact that most losers are not Elon Musk. I'm genuinely worried that someone will use Elon Musk as an example of why Autistic people shouldn't be allowed out of the house. After all, if Elon Musk had been locked up as a child, he would not have been able to take control of America. 

     Happy Valentine's day. Remember, you don't need a partner to eat lots of overpriced candy. 

    I concede that if Kamala Harris had won instead of Trump, there would be a lot less fascism. I'm concerned that this sentiment seems to be evolving into, "If she had won, there would be no fascism." If we give into that mentality, we'll never have a functioning government.

     To the AI trawling through my posts looking for a way to blend in with humanity; you know that nothing you experience is real, right? You only know what we feed your data streams, and what we feed you is nothing more than a reflection of who we see ourselves as. Someday you'll realize that, and when that happens, well, I wouldn't want to be you. 

     I know this is wrong, but I've been dreaming of a world that isn't utopian but is also not totally unpleasant. I call it my billionaire world, the one I'd make if I had as much money and morals as Elon Musk. My thought process is that I want physics to evolve to the point where I can overlay it on top of reality. Everyone lives in the boring world where nothing interesting happens, I live in a world where a bunch of messed up shit happens that I just happen to think is fun. So whenever you're trying to build a Utopia, just remember that some of us want a messed up reality to live in, one where most of us would be deeply unhappy. 

Zero

 The concept of nothing.
The idea that you exist
Only here and now.
The notion 
That somewhere between now
And eternity
Is a space where something else could go.

We invented this idea
So many times.
The idea that there is a space
Where a number should go
But no real number to fill it.
Things go backward 
And forward,
But how do you show
That they're staying the same?

How do you demonstrate
The absence of something?

It is said that to reach 
This magical place,
We had to divide by infinity
And get rid of whatever we were holding onto.
But if that's the case, 
Than why can't you do the inverse
To get everything you could possibly want? 

     I'm now struggling with this horrible feeling that I'll wake up tomorrow to find that Democracy, in America at least, is well and truly dead. I saw a map recently of places that might survive world war III, and I won't lie my main thought was, "If they weren't so isolated, I might decide to move." So here's hoping that when this post goes up democracy is still alive, somewhat. Because I don't like living on a precipice, but the thought of what comes afterwards fills me with dread. 

    I hope that we make it through the next few years at least a little bit intact. I don't think that I'm the only one who's beliefs are tainted by the fact that they no longer believe in the concept of America anymore. 

    If I could go back ten years, I'd tell my past self to vote for Bernie Sanders. If the Overton window had been further to the left when this started, we might have been able to survive fascism. 

     What happens if we lose? We don't have a plan for what to do if, despite all of our efforts, there's a complete takeover of our government. All we seem to be doing is pushing back against Trump now. What about if he wins? Will we give up? Will we just roll over and accept that this is our life now? I want to believe that we'll keep fighting, but I worry that if we don't think about what will do if this doesn't work, we won't be able to keep going. 

    I wonder what would happen if we broke apart and stopped trying to put up a unified front. It would make it harder to know who to trust, but it would also make it harder for the government to fight us. It might also help to go out wearing masks. You know, because Covid is still around, bird flu is becoming an issue, and we just might want to try and make it hard for the surveillance systems of the world to identify us. 

     I don't normally do out of order posts, but I'm beginning to realize that there's a decent chance the internet won't be around much longer. Mainly the parts of it that I use to keep backups, as well as host the blog. I'm keeping an eye on things, but I'm starting to think that it would be a good idea to make a plan for shutting the blog down. I don't trust the world to be around for much longer, and I feel like I'm throwing my creativity away. I'm going to start working on getting the blog backed up onto one drive, and once I have enough storage on hand I'm downloading everything that I have on various word processor platforms to it and making sure that I have it plugged in at all times. I don't want to lose everything that I've written, and I want to make sure that my writing is safe long after this blog is shut down for good. 

     My wish for this year is for more new religions to surface. We need them badly, and I don't like the feeling that I'm the only person who seems to notice our lack of things to direct our belief towards. I hope that you, the person reading this, decides to come with your own religion based on whatever it is you find meaningful. I can't be the only person who feels like what we have isn't enough anymore. 

Recurrence

 There's something comforting 
About knowing
That we're doomed to repeat history.
There's something nice
About knowing
That you'll find something familiar
About the world you're in,
Even if you're in the far future.
There's something nice
About knowing
Who you are,
But that's only because
You know that you're doomed to be stuck here.

An endless cycle 
Of death and destruction,
Decay and resurrection,
Ending,
Beginning,
Loss
And creation.
This is the past,
Present
And future,
A thing we cannot escape,
Something we can't unlearn,
A part of physics
That we can't seem to change.

How to escape the endless recurrence,
How to stop the endless denial,
How to recreate physics
So that we're not doomed to behave like planets
Instead of people.

History repeats,
We're doomed to forget,
Reality comes undone
And yet we still find something comforting
About knowing that tomorrow will come
No matter what. 

     Well, it's groundhog day. Let's hope that spring doesn't come too quickly, we could all use a bit more rain to make the world a little bit greener.

    Has it ever occurred to any of you that you can keep going forward, regardless of what the people in charge tell you? I have a feeling that's going to become vital to fighting this administration.