Happy Pi Day!

     There's supposed to be a lunar eclipse tonight, but I'm not sure we'll see it. It tends to get cloudy where we live. 

   When I was young, I was taught that all dark moments led to something special. We need darkness or else we wouldn't appreciate the light, that sort of thing. As an adult, I find that darkness only serves to making the light seem garish and fake, like someone trying to make a shirt less ugly by covering it with sequins. When I was young, darkness was something brief, a small window of sadness you would come out of to find life moving on as it always has. Growing up, it's turned into something that you don't know will pass. You just keep pushing forward, denying that the next patch of light is temporary and likely to be much shorter than the period of darkness you just emerged from. Eventually, you forget what warmth feels like. All you know is the coldness that comes from when there are no clouds to hold in the warmth of the sun. 

    I'm not a believer in making someone not exist. I find it crass, tacky, and tend to view it as a relic of only the crudest of dictatorships. In Elon Musk's case, I feel that I must make an exception. He's everything that's wrong with the human species. He's a reminder that failure is not exclusive to class, race, or gender. He's a living embodiment of the idea that one day we'll remember that our world isn't real, and that once you go enough levels down you'll see nothing. Such a person ought not to have been allowed into society, but as he's already here I feel the best and most merciful thing to do would be to erase all evidence of his existence. We're heading to dictatorship anyway, may as well do it properly. 

A Utopia On Paper

 I remember when the world was perfect.

There was a magazine stand
At the community center
I go to a lot, 
Though nowhere near as 
Often as I used to.
It hasn't been there in years,
Perhaps a decade
Or more,
But I remember when it was there.
It was a time when thoughts
Belonged in print
And when people 
Could be seen
In more ways than one.
It was a time when progress
Wasn't hampering humanity.

Back in the days
When the magazine stand was there,
The internet was still young.
You didn’t have always online games,
Only small distractions
From a life you had to return to.
It was perfect.
You had a day to day life
You suffered through,
On the promise that eventually
You could return
To the world that accepted you
Because it didn't know you any other way. 
Two worlds set each other off,
Neither one quite enough,
Yet together they could live in harmony.

When they took away the magazine stand,
I didn't miss it.
Not really.
I'd never bought anything there
And it's not as if you couldn't find anything
They sold
Online.
The internet had rendered so much
Obsolete,
And we took it for granted
That this was what progress looked like.
A utopia,
Where scarce resources stayed in the ground
And people had more space for other
More meaningful things.
A utopia on paper
That when put in practice
Quickly proved to be more flimsy
Than the material it was printed on. 

     I wish I was living somewhere else. Then all I'd have to do is hate America for it's terrible behavior to everyone who isn't American, or at least not the elite's idea of American. Instead, I have to try and figure out who's to blame for our leadership's outlandish behavior and see to it that they're properly punished. I'm not sure that I'm not among those who should be punished, especially since I chose not to vote last election. I wish I knew what it was like to have pride in your country. It's been so long since I felt proud to be an American, I've forgotten what it was like. 

    I don't think that I'm ever going to have children. Not a huge loss, I know, but I'm expecting to be held to task if I ever waver in this decision. I'm not good with kids, and I don't want to pass on my genes. 

     I keep thinking about the fact that we changed ourselves to be more fascist so the world around Donald Trump wouldn't fall apart. The Democrats especially, but everyone else in America followed suit. I know we did it for hierarchical reasons, but as someone who's always been an outsider I can't help but wonder, could the world shape itself to fit me? Every time I go outside I see loads of Teslas and way too many Cyber Trucks for one town. Yet the world feels as hostile towards me, both as a trans person and as an Autistic person, as it ever has. Why is it that Donald Trump can change the world to suit his needs, but I can't change the world to suit mine?  

     This is the kind of thing only an Infinitelist would think, but I'm starting to believe that fascism is something we do to ourselves. Not something we bring upon ourselves, not something we deserve because of past mistakes, it's something we do because we see that someone in charge is a fascist and we build the world around them because that's what we've been taught to do. Then once we built it, we don't want to reflect too deeply on why we built it because that would mean admitting that we weren't building it because of esoteric reasons like "good" or "evil", but simply because it was what needed to be done to keep the world real at that moment in time. And then the moment just didn't end. We didn't know how to end it. We know about law, fun, and fear, but we don't understand the physics of our Dreamworld. We don't even know how to enforce such a nebulous thing as physics in a world that's only sort of real. And yet, we have to. Otherwise reality will never be more than a moment long. 

     It would be nice if I could live in a Utopia made just for me. No one else would like it, but I would.